Fear is such a necessary and nasty thing. Change is coming. Fear serves to heighten my awareness and alert me that I am standing at a precipice and need to make a decision. Do I freeze or do I leap?

Then there is the nasty side. Where fear leads to me conjuring possible alternate realities that are less than desirable. Next thing I know I am in a funk and feeling very much the victim.

The change approaching me isn’t that scary in and of itself, it is more that is exposes a weak point for me. I have decided to homeschool my kids next year. That in and of itself doesn’t worry me at all. I already know how we are spending the year, I am going to have them in a gymnastics class for homeschoolers one day a week, we have a weekly hike with another awesome homeschool family, and through the ever-expanding homeschool network in Austin we will find other opportunities and adventures. I am getting excited about it!

The scary part for me is that after 4 years of being supported by a very tight-knit group of Mamas, I am the only one making this choice. They will all be sending their kids to various schools around town. And I don’t know what the other side looks like. I fear that I will be forgotten or left out. I feel a bit lonely. I don’t know how all our lives will or won’t change. I will miss these last years of adventures, playdates and outings…most of all the support and friendship. Our friendships won’t be ending and I know that, it is more that there might be less room for them.

This is where the fear prays on my weak spots. I immediately flash black to moments in my past, where I was that person who was left out. I find it amusing that at 35 I can still feel like a kid in high school afraid that I won’t make any friends on the first day of class. It is surprising how old wounds can so easily surface to reinforce thoughts brought forward by fear.

But this morning, I stopped and took a deep breath. I will not play victim and I can’t spend my time worrying about pretend scenarios in my head. What I need to do is trust in the universe, trust that the people who are meant to be in my life will be. I also need to kick my own butt and have confidence in myself and not let the insecurities drive. I was always the girl afraid to take risks and do things against the grain, so this is very good for me.

It is just a down few days for me…they seem to come now and then. And in some ways it is good because it gives me a chance to bolster myself, to reaffirm my decisions, to dig and find that “just do it” attitude that I know is there. Everything will truly be fine and I am so lucky to even have a choice in this matter. Sometimes it is just hard to leave the nest…..

Yesterday my kids wanted to go to an art museum to see what other artists’ work looked like. Yes, next year will be very fun indeed.