Sometimes it is the little things that break a camel’s back.   The hike class went quite well and everyone seemed very enchanted with Turkey Creek.  And of course, it was just what I needed to lift my spirits.  So home I go to get Quinn down for nap – which will be a short one.  We have to go to the grocery store early so we can watch a friend’s child in the afternoon.  I am working on quelling a headache in the back of my head.

And so I just need her down by 1:30pm so I can make my list.  And then Tyler enters the room at the beginning of nap to tell me he needs to go potty.  I am zen – you can do all that yourself, go ahead and close the door.  He returns again, “close the door.  go back to your room”.  Finally she is asleep – I feel her twitches that tell me she is gone.  I lift her up to take her to bed and in the middle of the transfer, light streams in as Tyler opens the door – he wakes her up.

Don’t mess with the nap – sacred rule around here.  And so I told him he would have to stay in his room because I didn’t want to see him right now and slammed the door as hard as I could.  Harsh response, but considering my state, a mild one.  Both kids are tired from a bad night and Quinn needed that rest.  I needed that break.

*sigh*

It is the little things that knock a Mama.  You can breathe through the big ones, usually it is something small and unexpected that blow it all to hell.   But I am okay.  Of course, Quinn had to go find Tyler, but as long as they play quietly, I will be fine.  I need some advil.

I will not be broken.   I feel the earth shifting beneath me, but the survivalist in me refuses to let myself fall, refuses to be weak, refuses to give in.   I will figure it out.  I am on an island I realize.  Because it is really hard to lean on mamas who also have their own children, lives and stresses and challenges.  It is difficult to ask them to put all that aside just because I am having a bad day.   Hubby’s needs are so high right now, I can’t ask him to deal with my whining – he needs me to be strong and stable.

And so it feels weird because I think the healthy thing is to lean on others, but right now, it seems that the best response is to learn to be my own best friend. And for someone like myself who used to require so much affirmation from others and was a 100% extrovert  – it is a good lesson for me.  To learn to lean on me, to learn that I can talk myself down, I can pick myself up, I can find hope.  And I like that because then I never really feel alone.

Okay, I feel better.  Off too make my grocery list.   TGIF, people, TGIF.