I LOVE this shot – I can’t think of anything that more exemplifies living in the moment. And that is where I am right now -feeling so very alive! I feel like I am awakening after a long time. I have been trudging through these last two years searching for escape from my burdens.

But that is not the way to do it. That is running away from my life and whatever realities it may hold. My kids have been showing me all along – “it is raining, let’s gallop through it!”

Life will always be heavy and because of how I am wired, I will always feel the weight whether it be my own or someone else’s. So every opportunity I get, I have to go run in the rain and enjoy the sensations of water falling on my skin!

It has been hard because I am here, but with my husband, I feel like we are in different places. I wish I could just give him this feeling. I literally feel high, drunk, weightless, open, optimistic, sensual, alive and giddy. My focus over the next few months will be to integrate this into my family life. I shouldn’t need to be away from my family to be in this place. I want us all to feel alive, to feel the possibilities of each day. I need to tempt him to my place…and I am pretty sure with some effort, I can do that.

I won’t give up even though I sometimes feel like it. I want him with me. He has been my partner in adventure for so long, I want him with me. He mistakes my anger as pulling away, rather it stems from how badly I want to be connected to him. I have known him for so long, I know him intimately, I feel him, there is so much electricity still there after all these years and yet it seems like there is an abyss between us. Life weighs him down and to escape and decompress he spends many hours in one room of our house engaged in activities for one.

I have seen him elated and blissed out – I know him in that space. He thinks I don’t feel it, but I totally do. The singing, the laughter, the childlike silliness…it comes much less often then it used to. He is retreating to a place where he can’t afford to let go like that, he must at all times have one foot solidly on the ground being the adult.

I want to create opportunities in our home for him to be able to let go and feel light. And if anyone can do that for him, it is me. I left him behind to find my own bliss rather than engaging him more and drawing him out. I wanted him to want that fun, to seek it with me. That is not how he works. And so I will do the seeking for all of us (with the help of the kids I am sure) and I will keep it light.

So I do things like buying puppets. You will have to meet Chicken and Skiddish. Puppets – if you don’t have one and you have kids, you need one..or two. That is for another post though!