We returned to Turkey Creek after almost a year. We have had a good bit of rain this winter and the creek just looks so wonderful! It was even more beautiful than I had hoped and the kids were in heaven: climbing rocks, sliding down natural slides, and even jumping and swimming into the water!

I feel so blessed to be able to homeschool and get to enjoy this amazin place during the quiet of the week when there are less people and they feel more free to explore, play and be themselves.

A friend posted this on Facebook today and it came to mind when I was looking through some pics from the beginning of this year. And it is so true. Some days just flow so easily and some days are doomed from the get go and never course-correct. Man, the easy ones are the best! And for the shitty ones, well, that is why they invented drive-thru coffee bars.

I remember this day in January – my favorite kind of day. A early morning game with my little girl and later making Christmas thank you cards in the driveway. And as seems to happen at times, Quinn and I were working on them and Tyler was drawn in and began doing his own card for his uncle. And then we spied a kitten in the window watching. Cutie. And yes, kittens really do make everything better!

I really do love our front yard sitting in the dappled light under the trees. It can be very zen, in fact I don’t know why I don’t do it more often…especially before those blasted mosquitoes show up.

I can’t believe it has been almost a year since I have posted here. Then again, I can. This is a year I will never forget. And because of the deeply personal nature of this experience, it was just not something that needed to be documented. And, Tyler and Quinn, if you want to know to make of this huge gap in stories and reflections, it was a time when I needed to corral my energies. And I had to pull back from so many things, this included. The best part about this whole process has been how I feel I have been a better Mom to you guys and watching us have a trust and connection that I would not trade for the world.

But I am ready to dust this off and continue to capture our adventures and stories for you two. I already lament the bits that I never got a chance to blog about over your lives so far.

Pop died last week and I have been yearning for stories about him. Wanting to know how different people interacted with him, what they remember, what qualities of his shone.
And I want you two to have those stories.

Even the everyday ones. Some of my favorite moments. Like when I will interrupt you guys in the middle of play and say, “Hey, Tyler/Quinn, Tyler/Quinn… I love you.” Tyler I love the way you smile, your eyes sparkle and you give me a little head nod. And Quinn, I love how you roll your eyes, and sigh and before I get to it tell me, “I know what you are going to say Mom…you love me.”

Those moments are seriously the best ever. And I hope we are always that strongly connected, even when that connection is stretched thin and tested.

What happens when the lens you have spent most of your adult life looking through is changed? When your personal narrative – the one of who we are and how we became to be – is given a thorough autopsy? When the role we play, whether it be victims, fighters, survivors, rebels, caregivers, new improved versions, or a mix is called into question? When the lenses keep flipping and what you see changes and hence begins to unravel what you know and what you believe?

I feel like for the first time, I left the perch I’ve stood on so long and am now taking a 360 degree look at my life. It has been shocking to see how different things look at different angles. I have chosen to bite the forbidden fruit and accept the knowledge for better and for worse. Things are not at all what they seemed to be.

At first there is much anger and resentment when certain realities come into focus. I felt hurt, deceived, and used. But now it is about the moving on, doing the work that needs to be done and dealing with what is. There is a reality in front of me and I get to choose my path. I have the freedom of choice. That right there tells me that I have walked away from the fear, I am standing on both feet and I am starting to trust.

I am also owning what is mine – all my shit that complicates things that shouldn’t be complicated.

This time has been enlightening. I am not only taking notice of my patterns, but others as well. I am enjoying being the observer. I am watching me..and I am watching those around me. I can feel my world being shaken up and the pieces being rearranged in the process and it feels energizing. This is what accepting and embracing change must feel like. I finally let go.

While therapy initiated this lens changing process, it has been the intense therapeutic assessment that has blown the roof off. I asked questions, opened myself up to projective and standard tests, and in 11 days, I begin to get data and answers to a list of specific questions I asked. If you want to get to the core of your shit, in about 6 weeks, you can. But be ready and put on a seat belt, it is exhausting, painful and mind bending. Ink blots gave me nightmares. Need I say more?

My story was opened up, prodded, picked through and explored. I have become a fly on the wall of my own life. In a few weeks, I will get answers that will validate some of my story, add details, alter parts of it and shine a bright light on what is going on in my life. And while I may be the heroine in parts of the story, there will be truths I may not want to hear. And after this there will be lots of work and changes that I will have to own and make. It is going to be a massive head trip. I am all at once excited and fearful of what I will learn.

I feel like I am being vague and I don’t mean to be. If anything it is about choosing to face my demons. I could have stayed on that perch, but I was dying on that perch. I was losing what little there was left of who I am. In 11 days, my narrative will be given to me from an expert in this field.

All I know for now is that the results show a high level of depression that makes them wonder how I am getting out of bed everyday. A depression they think I have walked around with for most of my life. Wow, that is a very different narrative than my own. One I am sure that would puzzle those who know me well. But therein lies what I have rationalized and what is real.

And so I can’t wait to hear the whole story. I think I know who I am. What does my psychological autopsy reveal? 11 days. It can’t come soon enough. I think I am going to try to start reading again – I need a good distraction.

So last week we attempted to make croissants. It was a three day process. There were some scary moments in the baking when butter was pooling our pastry babies. Lessons were learned from that. But, they survived being drowned in butter and as I learned from a friend who sampled them – “there can never be too much butter!”

They really did come out quite well. I also made some pain au chocolat with 70% dark chocolate. Wow.

So, being tired of bread, I think I am going to start dabbling more in pastry. It was quite satisfying. Without further ado, the pastry porn I promised.

Some lovely moments from last Sunday.

Working through this depression I have found home to not always be the best place to be, especially on a day when I am down and we have nothing planned. And so a few weeks ago, I was determined to get us out of the house and ride the metro Downtown and have some fun there. The MetroRail runs all day now, so much easier to do.

But first, we pause for a picture Quinn wanted me to take:

And so off it was to ride the Metro. I must say, the trains are gorgeous! The ride was smooth and really lovely. We parked at Highland Mall for this trip. Unfortunately, there is really no official urban parking.

And so we arrive in Downtown. We walked from the station to Congress and headed to the Austin Museum of Art. Tyler commented about Downtown always being busy with hustle and bustle. Yes, it is. And it is fun to be in the middle of it.

The museum was great featuring 15 new artists to watch from in and around the Austin area. It featured so many different styles: performance art, video art, sculpture, photography, drawing, mixed media, and so much more. I love how it illustrates the diversity of mediums. There are so many ways to express ones self and I love my kids being able to see that.

In the kids area, there was a place where the kids could use stencils to make patterns or just do a drawing of their own. So of course, we left our mark!

After that, we moseyed into a souvenir shop on Congress. That was fun. It is always interesting as a native Texan to see what they are peddling to those that visit our state. After that we headed to the Hideout to have a snack. That place has so much eye candy. I really enjoyed the art that was hung there and the ambiance in general. I got some delicious chai tea and the kids enjoyed some ice cream. After that it was back home.

I love Downtown and I loved riding the metro. It was the perfect thing to do on this particular Thursday. I just love being out in the world and thankfully so do the kids.