What happens when the lens you have spent most of your adult life looking through is changed? When your personal narrative – the one of who we are and how we became to be – is given a thorough autopsy? When the role we play, whether it be victims, fighters, survivors, rebels, caregivers, new improved versions, or a mix is called into question? When the lenses keep flipping and what you see changes and hence begins to unravel what you know and what you believe?

I feel like for the first time, I left the perch I’ve stood on so long and am now taking a 360 degree look at my life. It has been shocking to see how different things look at different angles. I have chosen to bite the forbidden fruit and accept the knowledge for better and for worse. Things are not at all what they seemed to be.

At first there is much anger and resentment when certain realities come into focus. I felt hurt, deceived, and used. But now it is about the moving on, doing the work that needs to be done and dealing with what is. There is a reality in front of me and I get to choose my path. I have the freedom of choice. That right there tells me that I have walked away from the fear, I am standing on both feet and I am starting to trust.

I am also owning what is mine – all my shit that complicates things that shouldn’t be complicated.

This time has been enlightening. I am not only taking notice of my patterns, but others as well. I am enjoying being the observer. I am watching me..and I am watching those around me. I can feel my world being shaken up and the pieces being rearranged in the process and it feels energizing. This is what accepting and embracing change must feel like. I finally let go.

While therapy initiated this lens changing process, it has been the intense therapeutic assessment that has blown the roof off. I asked questions, opened myself up to projective and standard tests, and in 11 days, I begin to get data and answers to a list of specific questions I asked. If you want to get to the core of your shit, in about 6 weeks, you can. But be ready and put on a seat belt, it is exhausting, painful and mind bending. Ink blots gave me nightmares. Need I say more?

My story was opened up, prodded, picked through and explored. I have become a fly on the wall of my own life. In a few weeks, I will get answers that will validate some of my story, add details, alter parts of it and shine a bright light on what is going on in my life. And while I may be the heroine in parts of the story, there will be truths I may not want to hear. And after this there will be lots of work and changes that I will have to own and make. It is going to be a massive head trip. I am all at once excited and fearful of what I will learn.

I feel like I am being vague and I don’t mean to be. If anything it is about choosing to face my demons. I could have stayed on that perch, but I was dying on that perch. I was losing what little there was left of who I am. In 11 days, my narrative will be given to me from an expert in this field.

All I know for now is that the results show a high level of depression that makes them wonder how I am getting out of bed everyday. A depression they think I have walked around with for most of my life. Wow, that is a very different narrative than my own. One I am sure that would puzzle those who know me well. But therein lies what I have rationalized and what is real.

And so I can’t wait to hear the whole story. I think I know who I am. What does my psychological autopsy reveal? 11 days. It can’t come soon enough. I think I am going to try to start reading again – I need a good distraction.