Hedge Family Blog

Validation and Repair

Alyssa — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 02:28:00 +0000

So had my book group study today. One thing that hit me is that I do not have the tools for helping my child when he is experiencing negtive energy. {and I hate to call it negative, but I don't know how else to frame it right now} I love it when he is in a good mood, but when that mood turns stormy, well I rail against it. I realize that instead of being grumpy back at him, I need to first validate his mood and sympathize with it. I need to help him find outlets for any energy he has. And if he has reacted in a way that is hurtful to someone help him repair. Also, if I have reacted in a negative way, I need to repair with him. Think about all that.

Validation and Sympathy
How many times have you sought validation from a spouse or loved one when you feel like crap and haven't gotten it or been told to "suck it up"? For me, that just makes me feel worse and doesn't really help me back to a positive place. As our leader said, they are just feelings, it is just energy - it is okay and normal. I think by validating my child's feelings, he learns that it is normal to feel all sorts of ways and can accept and validate his own emotions as he grows older. Once I acknowledge and accept that I feel a certain way, I can then choose how I am going to react to it. What am I going to do with this energy?

Outlets
My husband said, "yes you can be grumpy, but that doesn't give you a right to be nasty". No it doesn't. Again, how many of us were told, "yes, you appear to be having a hard time with x, why don't you y." I doubt many of us were offered outlets. The outlet could be anything: taking a deep breath, taking a walk, hitting a pillow, crying, etc. When a child gets a burst of emotional energy, they need help learning how to direct that energy that offers a safe release that doesn't harm people, animals or property. The appropriate outlet will depend on the situation and the child. Excercise is a fabulous outlet for me, but it isn't readily available right now, so I need to work on creating other safe ways for me to release my energy.

Repair
This one is crucial - I was never taught to repair. I'm sorry is NOT a repair to me. When I hurt someone, I need to go beyond I'm sorry and get descriptive. I am sorry for x, I see that is hurt you, etc. When I an receiving an apology, a descriptive one helps me know that the person understands how they hurt me. We haven't gotten to this chapter in the book yet, so I will have better thoughts here down the road. But my point is that, I don't have strong examples, meaning mental models, of how to reconnect with someone when I lose my temper and did/said hurtful things. I doubt many of us were taught much about repair beyond - "say I'm sorry and give a hug".

It just hit me that these are really important tools that our parents probably didn't have themselves and therefore couldn't pass onto us. I think that these things can help me not only with my child, but in my relationships as well. I also need to learn that instead of beating myself up for how I feel, to accept and acknowledge it. What I think and feel has meaning. To dismiss my feelings doesn't help me release the energy generated by those feelings and process through the occurences that caused them.

In mainstream American parenting, I don't see a focus on helping our children learn about emotions, empathy or how to handle anger. I don't see that we show them how to stay connected to someone even when they are angry. Anger is really dangerous and without knowing how to deal with it and if self-control and empathy aren't present, the door opens for some scary stuff to take place. It seems that when people are hurt, the only thing they know to do is hurt that person back. I wonder if that is one reason why the murder rate is so high in this country?

I have to learn to love my child the MOST when he is in a bad mood or pushing my buttons. While that seems unrealistic, it is my actions during these times that will speak volumes to him in the long run. Do I meet his mood irritated and annoyed or do I accept it for what it is and try to help him move through it? I don't want him to grow up thinking that people only like him when he's happy.

Again, he has energy just like me. I can't take it personally - he isn't trying to make my life harder. Just like when I'm PMSing, I'm not trying to make my hubby's life hell. It is energy. Anger has its place like any other feeling. It is how we move through, process and grow from it that makes a difference.

My Apologies to Austin Subaru

Alyssa — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 01:04:00 +0000

OK - so here is the deal. They DID wash my car and Chris thinks they also cleaned the dash. The did vacuum, just not well. When I got in the car and there were still crumbs in the seat and the dirt that had spilled out of Tyler's ride-on toy still there, I figured nothing had been cleaned. So I half apologize for my rant - it was washed and vacuumed...again, just not well.

Confidence

Alyssa — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 01:05:00 +0000

Resting after a long journey

Is my baby "easy" or am I just more experienced? I seem to be able to easily decode her cries. And not because they are each different - I don't know where the "experts" come up with that. For me, both my kids had the same cries, it was more knowing the context of the situation and using that information to decode the problem. I know when she needs a diaper change and when she is just plain tired. Today my grandparents came to see her for the first time with my parents. After about and hour and a half, I knew she was tired. I tried to put her down in the crib like I normally do, but she lost it and was very upset and stayed that way for several minutes. I figured she was overstimulated and probably freaked out from all the new faces. Finally, I got the sling and put her in it facing me with her pacifier. Normally, she wouldn't go for this, but I had a hunch. I told my Mom we would envelope her in Mommy scent. Sure enough she calmed down and not long after went to sleep.

I felt so confident as a Mommy at that moment. I was getting a little frustrated at first, but I just hung in there trying things. It was a good feeling.

Oh, and as for that "easy" baby I had. I have run into several Moms who have said things along the line of "oh, my baby was like that too, but then it all changed". And they have said this about everything - nursing, sleeping.... I guess I just need to enjoy this phase because who knows what is around the corner....

Tyler and Piper

Alyssa — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 01:16:00 +0000

These two knew each other in utero. They are so funny together. How well does Tyler know Piper? He knows her car, he knows her house, he even gets excited when we turn onto her street!! Who knows what will become of these two. Will they stay friends or drift apart? Will we have a Wonder Years (old TV show) scenario on our hands? Will Piper be Tyler's Winnie Cooper or will they just be best buds? As in any relationship, it will naturally evolve into whatever it is meant to be, but for now these two are so cute and seem to have a lot of fun together.

Tyler was showing Piper a game he and his Daddy play on the computer. She climbed up in the chair behind him. He had finished the puzzle, so a song was playing and they both got excited. She rested her hands on his shoulder as he played the puzzle again. It was as if she was giving him moral support, so he could finish it and they could hear the music again.

Playing a Game

Deep in Focus

You did it!

Life is more fun with a friend!

Worn Out....

Alyssa — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 01:46:00 +0000

I am pooped today. Was it the heat? The insane errands I ran with the kids? Or just nearing the end of a week? Maybe I have been incredibly productive and am now tired?

Got my Car back...dirrrty
So the rental went back today. For a brief second, Tyler was not happy to see "new car" go. Thankfully, it did not become a meltdown. Quinn was tired and in the end konked out on the way home. We had to drop the dog off to get groomed, get some gas for the rental, go to Enterprise to check out and then go get the car. Quinn was in a bad mood because she wanted to nap. It was hectic, but we made it. The cost of the 30K service was a cool $500. As I drove home, I was thinking - for that money they could have at least vacuumed my car. {sigh} Then later Chris reads the receipt which has a description of all they did and the very last thing - wash and vacuum. Grrr. They had my car for two days - it would have been nice, ya know? I also have to buy new tired for the car - that will probably be another couple of hundred bucks. (sigh)

Tired of Responsibility
I think that is why I want Chris to make sure Tyler's teeth get brushed and not me. He has had trouble getting it into the routine. But it is just one more responsibility I don't want. After kids, house, laundry, bills, animals, cars - I just don't want to have to think about his teeth. I don't know why his teeth represent so much responsibility to me, they just do. Being responsible is tiring - maybe that is why going out with the girls or staying out too late is so fun. When you are the one doing all the boundary setting, it is nice to have a turn at pushing the boundaries. And it sucks that when I let my guard down, there are consequences to be had - a late charge on a bill, an animal may have fleas because I didn't put on their preventative medicine, a car or the house may need an expensive repair because I didn't address the problem sooner. All these things command my attention and make so much background noise it can be hard to focus. As usual, I think I need more routines to help me not have to think so much and make some things, like bill paying, automatic (i.e., happens every Thursday).

Cursing
My child has a potty mouth - well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? And you know what - I don't care. Chris said he said "oh shit" this evening and I reported the "dammit" yesterday. Thankfully, the F-bombs have been seriously cut back at our house and I have never heard him use that word and am not worried about that. Thankfully, I mostly use "oh goodness" and "oh, god" and that is what he mostly uses. The fact of the matter is that everyone "cusses" whether you react with a "shuckey darn", "oh goodness" or {expletive deleted}. It will be my job to teach Tyler about the appropriateness of certain reactions in certain places. I am doing my best to ignore any choice words he throws out so I don't offer any reinforcement and will also watch my mouth as carefully as I can. It is what it is people - at this point I am too tired to freak out about words and am more concerned with keeping him from running in the street....

Quinn's First Toy
So many infant toys all around. I was laying on the floor holding her sitting on my chest. Tyler found my first aid kit in the diaper bag and was pulling out travel packets of neosporin calling them "tickets". We sometimes pretend the car is a train and I will grab a business card or something and call it his ticket. He was handing me tickets and laying tickets on my chest for Quinn. Anyway, I am watching him and then turn to look at Quinn - who has a Neosporin packet (unopened) in her hands and in her mouth!! Her first in mouth toy...ggrrreat!

Someone said today that they heard that toddlers post the greatest risk to infants and I can see why. I really need to be careful and although I like to trust Tyler alone with her for a few seconds, I have to remember that he doesn't understand what is good or bad for her.

Ok, 9:30pm. I so badly want to run to DQ and get a shake, but I will be good and drink water instead. I need to get going - I would LOVE to be in bed by 10pm... Oh, and I have discovered that the secret to a good night's sleep is a shower before bed. I get pretty sweaty throughout the day - in part from playing outside, naptime walks, cooking in a hot kitchen, and hormones that cause me to perspire easily. Getting all that stickiness and grime off makes a difference. The perfect temperature in the bedroom also helps. We got digital thermostats through a program with Austin Energy. It is nice to know what at what temperature I am actually setting the thermostat. Anyway, I have been sleeping so nicely....

Another Priceless Moment

Alyssa — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 02:24:00 +0000

I think a while back I blogged about a 30 minute conversaion my Dad was having with Quinn. She loves all the noises and funny faces that he makes. I felt so excited to catch another great exchange between the two of them.

Note: For pictures I really like, I am adding a link to an enlarged one. So for this pic, you can click on the picture to see a bigger one... Mom, that is the pic you will want to save...

Pop and Quinn

Tyler Loves to Play in the Car

Alyssa — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 02:18:00 +0000

Tyler loves to play in the car. He will sit there and vroom with the steering wheel, honk the horn (Quinn isn't so fond of that one), and mess with every switch and button he can find. I now know that you can take CDs out of the CD changer when the car is off. Glad to know, thanks Tyler! :-p Here are some pics of him in the car playing. Oh, and the one where he is pointing at me, he is asking me to close the door. Ya know - it ruins the whole feeling that he is driving if the passenger door is open. I have since learned to roll down the windows - I don't like him in there with the car completely closed up. This also allows me to hear him say "Get down" after his 15 minutes adventure.

Close Door!

Beep!Beep!

Tyler Names His Creations!

Alyssa — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 01:42:00 +0000

Boat	Tracks (as in choo-choo)

A few weeks ago, Tyler built this creation out of Legos, said "boat" and started pushing it around the table doing boat sounds. It was cool. Then we played with markers one day and he announced to me that he had drawn tracks. I thought it was cool that he identifying his creations and that in his mind he had some intention as to what he was building or drawing!

I got a good man...

Alyssa — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 03:24:00 +0000

I was talking to Chris this evening about his job. He said he doesn't want to work more than 40 hours a week because he wants to come home and play with the kids. He said whenever someone has their kid at work and he hears them, he wants to come right home and see the kids.

How sweet is that? He is such a wonderful man, father, husband.....

Quinn Sitting, Assisted Of Course

Alyssa — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 01:51:00 +0000

Sitting is fun!

Made it through the day...

Alyssa — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 01:17:00 +0000

Dropping off the car
Dropping the car off went really, really well. The kids were fine, Quinn just fussed a bit on the way home. But guess WHAT?? I got a minivan rental!! Brand-new with only 43 miles! I L-O-V-E minivans to the shock and horror of all my friends and husband. Our car wasn't ready, so I get to keep it another day! Woo-hoo!

Practicality people!! When I was a kid we went cross-country to Pennsylvania in a minivan. It offers great room to move around, gives each kid their own seat, and a lot of space for long trips. We don't own one now and maybe we never will, but I still think they rule!

No Nap Day
Oh, Tyler didn't nap today. We did our walk, but it took him forever to konk. When I tried to transfer him he awoke. By the grace of God, I didn't lose my temper. I told him to read books on his bed. This lasted 5 minutes. However, I wisely used that 5 minutes to finish some Ben and Jerry's ice cream which made everything better!! :-D Quinn was awake in the swing by the way - she didn't nap either. Surprisingly, we had a pretty low-key day at home and to the delight of my husband, this meant that Tyler was asleep by 8:15pm. My husband would secretly love for Tyler to not nap, but he knows my sanity usually depends on it.

Cat Puke
So the cat threw up upstairs. Tyler was pointing to the carpet saying poo-poo. God knows what he was pointing as, because when I pointed to the cat puke, he reacted like he hadn't seen it saying "yucky". I confirmed the yuck telling him it was not poo, but cat vomit. You should have heard him trying to say that word. I was tying to explain not to touch it. Then he said "eat it" and I say "no we don't eat it, although Chase (our dog) might". Then Tyler says "Chase eat it" to which I said 'no'. He then said "clean it" and I told him I would get it cleaned up. It was one of those funny exhchanges...

Dammit!
I dropped something and say "dang it" (I swear it was a dang) to which Tyler pipes in "dammit, dammit". Oops (meaning I have used dammit before on not so careful days). Thankfully, I use "oh my goodness" and less thankfully "oh, God". Both of those he has picked up. I joke with people that when he says "oh, God" in public (which he never really does), I just respond with "Praise, Jesus". At some point he will pick this stuff up. I guess at least I know where it is coming from... I changed the conversation quickly, so hopefully the dammits will fade away......

I am feeling lethargic today, so I am going to kick my butt and get some stuff done. I have some more emailing to do and then want to clean the shower upstairs..its gross. I will post some pics for you and sign off...

Thoughts or lack thereof

Alyssa — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 00:43:00 +0000

A friend blogged about how she wanted to stop chronicling every little thing her little girl does and spend more time writing what she wants to write - more about aspects of mothering and basically write with more depth. {sigh}

I blog about every little thing my kids do at a frenetic pace. Part because this is their baby book, part to share with family and friends, part so I don't forget, and part to have an adult conversation - even if it is with myself. I read other friends' blogs and would love to put something profound out there, but the reality is - I got nothin'. I could probably be diagnosed ADD, so chances are I couldn't sit down long enough to come up with something profound. On top of that, I am not an articulate author by any means and honestly, I am not a thinker. My husband is incredibly brilliant as our his friends. These are people who missed one question on the SAT back in the day. I always enjoyed being a fly on the wall during philisophical conversations. Oh, I do love geeks - if I could do college again, I would so hang out more with the geeks. And my hubby was a hot geek to boot! I was tunred on by a customer service inquiry letter Chris wrote a while back (brains turn me on). But I am far from being in the same arena as any of them.

However, I have brains, just not in the traditional sense. I don't excel at any one thing. I am a problem solver, networker and communicator. I am a great cheerleader, motivator and muse to people. I do really well helping to build and shape organizations and communities. I am creative and enjoy managing. I like bringing structure to chaotic environments. One boss once described me as the "glue" that held the team together. I am also a pretty decent presenter when well-rehersed. I wouldn't say that I am a star of the show, but you really want me backstage.

So far in my career I think I have learned a great deal, but I have yet to get to a place where I would call myself successful. My road has been very non-traditional. I was a business consultant for 4 years, then went to work for my boss trying to help him start a semiconductor company, then tried to start my own software company (it sounds way cooler than it was - we didn't get that far), then worked for a 5 person financial company starting off working on software and ended up doing some light accouting for their clients. Jack of all trades - that is me. I think that whatever I do when I go back to work - I just want to feel successful for once in my life. And while that doesn't mean making boatloads of money (although that would be nice), I just want to feel accomplished and know that I am using my talents and making a difference. I have thought about non-profits, teaching, and back to the corporate world.

My husband half-joked that when Quinn gets a little older, I could return to work next year and he would stay home with the kids. My heart broke and I felt awful. I know that I can't go back to work making the same money as my husband. All these years I have wanted us to be equal partners, but I can't give him the same opportunity he has given me. And he would do it, he would love to stay home with the kids. My husband could stay at home and then go back to work later making just as much - he is that good at what he does and always impresses people. I can't. And we need his income.

It bums me out. I know if given the right opportunity I would kick some major ass and could blow my bosses away. I just don't know how to sell myself I guess.

{sigh} Maybe success is ensuring my kids don't wind up feeling as inadequate and insecure as me.

Confessions of a Domestic Goddess...

Alyssa — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 03:23:00 +0000

Blog entry coming soon. I was cleaning toilets tonight and promising a friend that at some point I would get a life....this headline came to mind...

Ok, so I love to clean my house. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of it. In my life B.C. (before children), you could always tell the state of my life by the condition of my apartment or house. A clean house gave me that sense that I was on top of things and kind of helped me get back in control. Now with kids, I guess my life is always in some state of chaos and my house definitely shows it.

The other day I swatted a fly and all this dust flew in the air - ghack!! My poor baby in inhaling this crappy indoor air. That led me to clean half my kitchen. Oh my God!! I was almost orgasmic about it. I wanted to sit in a chair facing my kitchen and just stare at my shiny sink and windows and happy plants (they got their first taste of water in weeks). I had to take it in because it wouldn't last. My beautiful wood floors go to hell within a day of being cleaned.

Now, I am not going to deprive my children of that whole half of childhood that involves making messes so I contain the messes where I can and just let the rest go. These days I focus on "sanitary" instead of "clean". So I like to focus on my bathrooms and kitchen.

Note: I guess sanitary would imply higher standards than clean. What I mean is that when something starts feeling unsanitary (read:gross)- I clean it. Bathrooms and kitchens seem to get there faster than everything else.

Last night I cleaned all three toilets and felt so good! I am giving myself a quick half hour on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays to clean something after the kids crash. Thursdays and Fridays are for me!! Gives me time to do a quick pedicure or read. Of course, that is if I don't spend all night on email and blogging....

Does that make me wierd that clean toilets make me happy? Actually a clean kitchen makes me the absolute happiest.... And yet I love being a career women, although I wouldn't say I really had a career before kids. Talking careers, my hubby took the straight path and I took the one that meanders from here to there - eventually going somewhere or so I hoped. Anyway, I am that wierd mix of women who on one hand wants to be a high-powered business women and also volunteer to save the world and at the same time have time to clean her kitchen and toilets, bake cookies for the kids, and keep the hubby's shirts ironed. Ah, the 90s and 50s collide.

I have heard the term "domestic enginner" for being a housewife or SAHM. I wonder if I could be so bold as to put that on my resume for the years I am at home. Think of the fun terms for the things I did: Moderated intense and often heated negotiations, succesfully allocated limited budget across several departments, managed creative projects and ensured they were completed in a timely and neat manner, educated and mentored junior staff... :-p

Tyler's New Robe

Alyssa — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 03:01:00 +0000

My Mom got Tyler a robe for winter. We put it on his yesterday - he LOVES it! In fact, he wouldn't take it off when Chris was trying to get him into his nighttime diaper and nightshirt!

The force is strong with this one...

Can I wear this to bed?

Miss Independent

Alyssa — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 01:57:00 +0000

"I feel good. na. na, na, na, na, na, na. As good as I should now." C'mon dance with me.... This afternoon, I was on a roll. I was tired of feeling like I could accomplish nothing with two kids. I figured to hell with that - stuff what getting done one way or another. I desperately needed to get my Subaru serviced, so I called them up. I figured if worse came to worse, I could wait there with the kids and would do whatever it took to keep the kids happy. Well, I was in luck - because I was doing a 30K service - they would rent me a car!! Suh-weet! So tomorrow morning I am taking the car in at 8AM!!

Challenge #1 - get kids up and out of the house at 7:45am

Challenge #2 - get car seats out of Car A and into Car B while watching kid #1 and holding kid #2

Challenge #3 - get to rental car place (they will pick me up, but I have to do some paperwork at their store) and hope kid are in a good mood

I think I can do it. It is one day and hopefully people will take mercy on me..or at least bust ass to get my screaming kids out of there business. That is one advantage if your kids meltdown - it sure puts a fire under people's butt because they want you out of there as much as you want to leave.

Future adventures include switching banks...yee-haw! Bring it on!

Oh, and I was on a roll - now I feel like one after consuming 2/3 pint of Ben and Jerry's... Well, I have to go clean. I asked Chris to download pics tonight - got some cute stuff for you. You have got to see Tyler in the new robe his grandma got for him! If he does that, I will hop back on and get you at least on pic..