What happens when the lens you have spent most of your adult life looking through is changed? When your personal narrative – the one of who we are and how we became to be – is given a thorough autopsy? When the role we play, whether it be victims, fighters, survivors, rebels, caregivers, new improved versions, or a mix is called into question? When the lenses keep flipping and what you see changes and hence begins to unravel what you know and what you believe?

I feel like for the first time, I left the perch I’ve stood on so long and am now taking a 360 degree look at my life. It has been shocking to see how different things look at different angles. I have chosen to bite the forbidden fruit and accept the knowledge for better and for worse. Things are not at all what they seemed to be.

At first there is much anger and resentment when certain realities come into focus. I felt hurt, deceived, and used. But now it is about the moving on, doing the work that needs to be done and dealing with what is. There is a reality in front of me and I get to choose my path. I have the freedom of choice. That right there tells me that I have walked away from the fear, I am standing on both feet and I am starting to trust.

I am also owning what is mine – all my shit that complicates things that shouldn’t be complicated.

This time has been enlightening. I am not only taking notice of my patterns, but others as well. I am enjoying being the observer. I am watching me..and I am watching those around me. I can feel my world being shaken up and the pieces being rearranged in the process and it feels energizing. This is what accepting and embracing change must feel like. I finally let go.

While therapy initiated this lens changing process, it has been the intense therapeutic assessment that has blown the roof off. I asked questions, opened myself up to projective and standard tests, and in 11 days, I begin to get data and answers to a list of specific questions I asked. If you want to get to the core of your shit, in about 6 weeks, you can. But be ready and put on a seat belt, it is exhausting, painful and mind bending. Ink blots gave me nightmares. Need I say more?

My story was opened up, prodded, picked through and explored. I have become a fly on the wall of my own life. In a few weeks, I will get answers that will validate some of my story, add details, alter parts of it and shine a bright light on what is going on in my life. And while I may be the heroine in parts of the story, there will be truths I may not want to hear. And after this there will be lots of work and changes that I will have to own and make. It is going to be a massive head trip. I am all at once excited and fearful of what I will learn.

I feel like I am being vague and I don’t mean to be. If anything it is about choosing to face my demons. I could have stayed on that perch, but I was dying on that perch. I was losing what little there was left of who I am. In 11 days, my narrative will be given to me from an expert in this field.

All I know for now is that the results show a high level of depression that makes them wonder how I am getting out of bed everyday. A depression they think I have walked around with for most of my life. Wow, that is a very different narrative than my own. One I am sure that would puzzle those who know me well. But therein lies what I have rationalized and what is real.

And so I can’t wait to hear the whole story. I think I know who I am. What does my psychological autopsy reveal? 11 days. It can’t come soon enough. I think I am going to try to start reading again – I need a good distraction.

I feel like I have been picked apart. The curtain has been pulled back. I feel like I am walking around a house looking through each window, but what I see inside changes. I think of eye exams when they switch lenses and tell you to read the letters – with every lens you see something different. The analogies could go on and on.

Today I walked around so anxious, fretting about these recent discoveries. Who am I? Am I the things the doctor said? What does that mean? Questions abound. Curiosities rear their heads. Research ensues. Knowledge gained. Processing. So much processing. I feel like I am hovering over me and then am inside me and then back out. Examining every angle until I can settle on a conclusion that brings peace.

And I did find the conclusion that brought calm. A realization. A moment of elation follows.

And there it is – there is my process. This is how I cope with anxiety, but I am watching it as if it were a movie happening in front of me.

The realization was that even with all this new information and new ways of seeing myself, I am still me. There is nothing to fear. Even if what I see of me is blurry, or is from different angles, it is still me.

I haven’t changed – it is just new information. Information that can be useful in helping me learn new and/or better ways to cope with what stirs in my brain. Medication to address what is out of balance now and we will see what the future brings. I am trying to get used to these new bits of knowledge and figure out how to incorporate them into my self-image.

There was a moment where I felt like damaged goods. But I realized that it isn’t like that at all. All these parts create the characteristics that make me uniquely me. And disparate parts me, nurturing that made me less of a risk taker combined with a naturally more impulsive side create balance. Most of it works…and works pretty well.

So now I am aware of these things and have a greater appreciation for them. I have such a greater appreciation for just how unique we all are. And my mind is at peace. And now I hope it will let me sleep.

This was Wednesday. It started with a beautiful golden sunrise. I had to capture the joy it brought me. Then it was off to the appointment, the wake up call. Um, yeah, you are not okay.

From there was scheduling an appointment for medicinal support because it was now clear I needed it. Then came this article. The mirror was held up to my face and I finally got it. This was something significant and now out of my control. This happens to other people and that I was not crazy nor was I a failure. I was 1 in 5 people who would go through a really difficult and dark time in their lives.





Creating with Quinn

I was in such a funk after that. And because I know I am in this place, I try extra hard to be present with the kids. And so this afternoon, Quinn was cutting out hearts she had just painted.

She was giving them to me to, “put them in the kitchen Mama so when you see them you smile.” And so I looked at them and thought about hanging them. Then I saw there were 4 hearts and thought “mobile!”

We had no straws, but then I thought “sticks!” – even better! To be fair, once I tied the first heart on the stick, Quinn was very happy with her “heart whacking stick”. I had to pause the project because it seemed we were on the creative outs. She liked what she had and off she went happily.

Later she was done playing with it and allowed to me move forward with the mobile. It made me so happy to do something simple and creative with her art. It came out so well. I hung it in the kitchen as she had originally instructed. It makes me smile.

Four hearts. Four of us. In this life, each on our own journey, but sharing the road together. Of course, she later told me she liked the “heart whacking sticks” better. My very honest four year-old.

Lady Gaga!!

Later that night, I was headed to see Lady Gaga!!! I know – talk about a day of highs and lows…. It was a crazy thing. I had expressed via Facebook that I was way bummed I wasn’t going. I had this notion I was too old to go, but realized that was crap. I need to spend more time being true to myself. Anyway, another friend concurred and we agreed we would see her next time around. Well the very next day, someone she knew was selling two tickets. Talk about being meant to be!!

How often does a person get a “do-over” on a regret? and in such a big way!?!?! Naturally I put on a wig, some fun make up and expressed myself. Madonna would be damn proud! Speaking of regrets – never saw her live…

The concert was truly amazing. Whatever you think of Lady Gaga, you cannot deny that she is talented. Her voice is incredible. In addition to rocking the piano, she played organ, stand up base and that guitar/keyboard instrument I can’t name (:-p). She’s a fantastic performer and really gives her all. It’s a complete show – sets, costumes, performance art, interaction with the audience. It was really a great experience – and to feel that much energy in an arena is so cool.

The best moment though was her piano rendition of “Born this Way”. Everytime I listen to this I get chills. It really is a beautiful song and sung this way is so very powerful. And to hear thousands of people sing the chorus – well, that is a moment that will elevate you. Simply spine tingling. And given this crazy-making place in which I find myself – the words below mean a great deal. An affirmation if you will. The video I took is below – you must watch and listen to it – I promise you’ll get chills too.

“There’s nothin wrong with lovin who you are”
She said, “’cause he made you perfect, babe”
“So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far,
Listen to me when I say”

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way
Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way

And if you got this far – just for fun, here is a panorama of the arena.

Kids and Their Truth and Social Rules

I told them that I would be gone in the evening and that I would be taking care of Pop. That last time when they came it was a bit challenging, so they would stay home with Dad. Tyler cheers, “Hooray, we don’t have to put Pop to bed! We don’t have to go see Pop!” Quinn begins to follow suit and I hear Tyler say, “or, uh, maybe i shouldn’t have said that…”

I just turned around and said, “Tyler, I love you.” I had to visit a Great Grandparent when I was his age and I remember how I didn’t really look forward it. It is hard sometimes for them to visit with someone when it is difficult to connect. And at bedtime, they really can’t do much, but wait. It is much better during the day when they can play catch and such with him. I appreciated that he reflected and realized that maybe he shouldn’t have spoken that truth out loud. There was a window into a growing child figuring out the social rules.

So This is My Dad Right Now

When I arrived, I walked in and my Dad was walking around the halls…with one house shoe in his hand.
YouTube link (faster and easier to watch):

Click on the image below to view my copy – only do this if the YouTube one is unavailable because it will load much more slowly.

Every dementia patient takes on a different personality as they decline. I think a big part of that is the type of dementia that they are afflicted with and what parts of the brain are being attacked first. This video definitely represents a part of who my Dad used to be. I was the daughter he doted on, so I am fortunate to get these moments. The big bear hugs are gone, but now I get a song and dance. And it does make me smile.

Then we walk to his room, him with house shoe in hand. When we enter, I see that he has placed each pillow on a folding chair and his light is turned upside down. I guess he was trying to figure out how to turn it on. He wanted to show it to me, but was very confused. I helped him fix it and he seemed happy that is was right again.

I could not find his other house shoe anywhere in his room. We even went on a “house shoe hunt” walk after I got him in his PJs to see if we could find it. I found out later from my Mom that I should have checked all the drawers in his room. Ah…note to self.

Usually at night, my Dad watches concerts on DVD. He is long past being able to follow any kind of talking. But he always loved music and concerts. My Mom has amassed a vast library of his favorite artists – Bee Gees, Garth Brooks, Rod Steward, Cher and Celiene Dion (I think the latter two are more for my Mom! .

So I sat with Dad and watched Rod Stewart. A bit off topic, but I have to say how cool it was to watch the crowd – an older crowd thoroughly enjoying reliving the songs of their youth – singing and dancing. It was so cool to see. I love concerts – the shared experience of music is so incredible.

While we are watching, I look my Dad’s life in a frame that my Mom had put together. I wonder if it even means anything to him at this stage. If anything it lets caregivers know who he was and reminds us too. There was an episode about 6 months ago where he was very upset/sad. One of the main caregivers helped him back to his room and he pointed to the picture of his sister in the frame – she died about 14 years ago. He must have relived something and was really upset.

The nurse comes in and gives Dad his meds and we watch for about 10 more minutes. Before I put Dad in bed, I try to get him to go to the bathroom for the 3rd time, but no dice. Also learned from my Mom to turn the faucet on – that trick really does work. Note to self… Hopefully he doesn’t have an accident.

Dad goes right to bed and at 7:30pm at night I walk out to my car. Saturday nights are the only nights I can do this, so it doesn’t happen every week. But when I can, I go. It is peaceful and very restful and I enjoy my time alone with him.

I don’t know if I am any closer to dealing with this detachment that I am feeling, but I am not going to harp on it. I would rather just have these memories to hold onto.

I wish I could articulate what the last two months have been like. Surreal. I look out the window for answers and there is a giant full moon staring back at me. It is all so completely surreal.

I have been the supporting cast member in a tale of struggle ignoring the goings on in my own world…the changes taking place, the mounting stress, the plate finally out of room for one more thing.

Then there was this moment. A single moment on a sunny, calm day by the lake when the truth that had been all around me finally sunk in. It was like a slow motion free fall from that point forward.

And after so long of facing someone else’s demons, I was now facing my own. December will go down as one of the darkest months for me on record. I walled out the world, sat in my dark pit, cried and mourned and just felt it all. Every thing that I had been stuffing down while I was holding it together and being strong, every little bit passed through me. Fears and anxiety kept my shoulders and stomach in knots. I have been down before, but never like this. This was different. This hurt so much. This was hopeless. This was dark.

It felt like my entire world crumbled and then a tornado picked me up dumped me somewhere else.

I have been battling to shake off the depression as it tries to take a stronger hold of me. The new year was looking good, but in a vulnerable place, too much was required of me and I backslid. Thus far I have avoided medications and hope I can continue to do so.

Since this,
I’ve grown up some
Different kinda figther
And when the darkness come, let it inside you
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in myself
Truth.

From: Alexander Ebert, “truth”

At this moment, I feel like I am shaking it loose again. I am thankful to be in the care of a therapist who has worked with me previously and is very good. And so here I am trying to work it all out. And that isn’t easy, but it is necessary. I am too tired to try and tell the story. It is similar to anyone else who has done battle with their demons.

I know me though. No matter how far down I am or how long I am down, I seem to always find a way back. And I have to hold onto that. I hold the determination.

There remains a good bit of stress in my life. I am doing what I can to keep myself above water and energized. These days, I am not feeling as down as I am tired. One step at a time. This year is going to be another difficult one in many ways, but I am hoping near the end that life overall will look brighter. Or at least I will be in a better place to handle the bumps that might be coming this year.

I feel the need to state here that homeschooling is not part of what has me down. The changes, the stress would not have been avoided if Tyler was in school. If anything, my kids have been been front and center in keeping me grounded and focused.

And with that – you have my truth. This humble reminder that I too have more growing to do.

The shoot is a strange thing I must admit. Even with a good friend shooting us. I was very happy with the pictures we got back. Meredith has a way of seeing the soul of her subjects; she sees you.

My favorite shot of the whole bunch is below. The kids are not in this one – it is just Chris and I. It is my favorite because we both looked straight into the lens. That is the shot I wanted more than anything: us. We allowed the camera to look beyond our eyes and peer in.

We are together in this life. Right now life feels heavy. We are both open and vulnerable. All walls are down. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in our 14 years of being together. Rarely do we feel safe enough to be emotionally naked in front of another person – even those with which we are incredibly close. No defenses and nothing hidden. Life is so odd that such beauty comes from hard times. I feel so incredibly blessed to have his arm to squeeze. Though we feel lost, we are lost together.

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

And these pictures. Now I have them. And for a month they have been on a CD sitting on our desk waiting to be given to family and printed for our walls. But they are more than that. In times like this where everything is a question – when I feel so distanced from my kids, when we feel lost, when we don’t know who we are…..I look at these photos.

And there we are. We are found. Sure the kids were a bit nuts that day and sure Chris and I weren’t quite sure what to do, but I had someone there who knew how to find us. It didn’t matter what was happening on the surface. Meredith wouldn’t lose us. It is so beautiful to be seen….and also to be found.

Two weeks ago I renewed my vows with Chris and after the party I was pooped and emotionally drained. I was hoping for a quiet couple of weeks to recharge, but that is not what I got.

What I got was lots of news. And my mind started whirring over the list: both our Dads are in the severe stages of their illnesses and are dying, we are concerned for our mothers, my grandparents are near the end themselves, we have two young children (need I say more there..), my husband is crazy stressed and dealing with the hardest challenges he has faced in his career, a peeing cat, $10K in plumbing, projects undone and I just sit in the middle of it all dizzy.

My mind begins intensely processing all these things. There are so many balls in the air. I go to caregiver mode – I have to take care of it, deal with it, fix it, do something. And very quickly everything seems out of control and overwhelming – especially when I didn’t have much capacity to begin with. It was too much at once. I feel like I am failing and falling.

I react by making changes at home and am harder of the kids. And when I am not being hard on them, I check out. Their response of course is to act up and out. At some point this week I was wishing we had chosen potted plants over kids and I was dreaming of my own quiet space.

Enter the cat who started peeing all over the house a few months ago due to her own stress. She has done this before, but not all over the house. Chris didn’t want to deal with this problem that was hard to solve and so it was up to me. I tried to add a litter box and more convenient food/water a few weeks ago, but it seems to be a habit now. Anyway, when I found some pee in the kids room this week, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was done and she had to go – I needed control somewhere. Something had to give. The cat saga is still in “to be continued” mode, but at least it gave me the opportunity to cry my eyes out for a few days which I needed so badly.

Things will calm down and I will figure it all out, but all this shit hitting me at once is just too much. I want to take it all on and I can’t.

Today we had lunch with Pop at the monthly potluck at his Alzheimer center. We sat with a woman my Mom’s age who was visiting her parents both 86. I was telling her all that was going on and she said, “you are so young to be dealing with all this.” I liked hearing that. Just someone else saying wow, that is a lot of shit at 35. At that moment, I didn’t mind the pity. Of course, I can’t stay in that place – we all have to deal with our shit no matter our age.

Another neighbor today was talking about all she is dealing with and was telling me about the problems faced by a foster child she is working with. She was saying, then you hear about that and think, well, maybe my problems aren’t that bad.

I believe strongly that it is important to keep perspective and to not lose sight of our blessings. At the same time, rating the shit in our lives isn’t always helpful. We all feel it no matter what it is. It is heavy, it is sad, it is painful. And at some moments, like this week for me, life seems frickin’ overwhelming and just too much to deal with.

It doesn’t necessarily get easier from here, but at least the urgency to have answers, to fix it all is receding. There is space, a bit of time, and it doesn’t have to all sit on my shoulders.

Thank you to all those that rode the train with me this week. I really appreciate your love and support.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program which right now is Shaun of the Dead. And there was SOOO much crazy foreshadowing in the lines that I had not picked up on before. Nothing says stress relief like zombies and beer!

It was a perfect night. Also it was very tiring. So we limped into the week and here I am Tuesday…and we are so back to life. Some of the crap that I had been ignoring while I was getting ready for the fun stuff has decided to rear its head today.

1. The cat is peeing all over the house now. Our cats are scared of the kids, well all people really. I think she is mad now that we are home even more. So this morning I put food and water in the room where they hide, a new kitty scratch thing and a new litter box that they can get to more easily without having to cross paths with the kids.
2. The dog has now found the new food and water stash for the cats (see item #1) so I have to figure that one out.
3. I am cleaning the house and had to get to borax from under the sink. The bottom of the box was wet..again. So no, I did not spill water under there, the sink is indeed leaking.
4. Hubby is way stressed out and is not sleeping well at all. He heard the cat pee somewhere on the carpet last night (see item #1). Trying to figure out how to bring sleep and calm to his life.
5. Our hot water heater is on the fritz and may finally be going out. Water isn’t all the way cold yet, but given that hubby likes hot showers, I should get that fixed. And since that may relax him and help him sleep (see item #4) and our sink is leaking (see item #3), I should make that call to the plumber.
6. Our rhythms are way our of whack and so Tyler is not falling asleep until very late, but still getting up early and so is more emotional these days. It is hard because we want to eat dinner with Daddy, but 7PM is just too late. So have to figure out how to meet everyone’s needs and get kids to bed at an early time so we are not yelling so much.
7. My daughter is a hoarder. She is also wicked smart. I think I am going to have to seek some therapy on this one. There is something built in about it – and rather that break this habit, I want to work with it so we can all co-exist peacefully in this house. I am talking giant piles of stuff collected from around the house daily. It is a serious parenting challenge for me.
8. And I guess if a plumber is coming (see items #3 and #5), he should look at all the bath tiles that are caving in around the tub spicket. They are getting bad and with all the water the kids splash around there, well, I am nervous.
9. I was hoping to keep our budget in check since the party…plumber x 3 problems…I won’t hold my breath. Oy!

So I just had to sit down for a few minutes and chuckle. This is what it is all about – life being a pain in the ass and us having to find the humor and joy in the middle of it. It is what it is. Oy!

What a great morning! Her daughter and my son have known each other since they were in our bellies. What amused me so is how they had grown. We sat them next to each other and on the drive they started chatting like two old friends would. No silliness, no arguing, just two good friends catching up.

We drove through lovely country roads and arrived in about an hour. Then it was pretty much snack, swim, snack, swim, snack, swim for about two and a half hours. What a lovely, lovely park and respite from the summer heat. If we had more time, we probably would have stopped in some of the small shops in the town and had lunch.

I had driven by this place so many times and regret not going sooner. We will definitely return. And on a weekday, there were very few people, so it was quite nice.

A truly wonderful day! I am so glad that I gave in – it was an adventure that I really needed.

I feel like I am in orbit right now. All these ideas, energy, good intentions, and plans are orbiting with me, but I can’t seem to integrate us all into one being. I can’t seem to get moving or get it together.

I’m not giving up though.

“Never give up. Never Surrender.” – Galaxy Quest

I am trusting that in time I will get it figured out. Though I would like to enter my vote for the soon the better.