My head hurts. That probably has to do with the fact that we did a cereal and milk breakfast this morning. I need more protein, more sustenance than that. Then followed that up with a latte and nothing else. When my kids aren’t around, I am terrible about stopping to eat. A very bad habit that I pay for around this time of day, 1pm.

I feel like I am in orbit right now. All these ideas, energy, good intentions, and plans are orbiting with me, but I can’t seem to integrate us all into one being. I can’t seem to get moving or get it together.

I’m not giving up though.

“Never give up. Never Surrender.” – Galaxy Quest

I am trusting that in time I will get it figured out. Though I would like to enter my vote for the soon the better.

I feel like I am reeling at the moment. Maybe that is the 2nd latte today? Who cares, it tastes good and makes me happy and therefore is it completely called for! :-p

Life is all it should be, up, down and all over. I am starting a Happiness Project and that is a good thing. An extension of my Enjoyment Project which I am almost done with.

I am adopting all the routines I had dropped a few years ago. Why on earth did i do that? They were brilliant! I have been back on the FlyLady kick for a week and I can see my reflection in my microwave. I don’t think that thing had been cleaned in over a year. I was extra proud for finding a fantastic degreaser recipe in my Clean and Green non-toxic cleansers book. All those cleansers in the store can suck it! Seriously – with 5 ingredients (borax, washing soda, vinegar, baking soda and Dr. Bronner’s) in a wide variety of combinations., I can make you a cleaner for any use. Soft srcubbers, degreasers, stainless steel..you name it!

Chris and I are doing better these days. Dammit, we better be! We are about to renew our vows in a few months and ya know, would be a bit hypocritical to be arguing then! I think as any couple, it can be hard to find balance and to find that time for us. And like leaving metal out in the rain, you forget about it and let it sit outside and it will rust. It is easy to get into such poor habits that we forget the simplest courtesies with each other…then we just get cranky and nothing good comes from that. So we are planning a date together this weekend and that will be so very good. I want to find a romantic spot with a sunset – if you know of one – please tell me!!

The kids…*sigh*. I can honestly confess that I have been a crap Mom lately. Tyler is in a very difficult phase and I am so completely flummoxed. I realize that the best thing I can do is get us out together outside or swimming. There are no distractions for me, the kids are usually content, they get my full attention, and we connect. We need as much connection as we can create, because I feel like I don’t get my children as well as I should. They are growing into themselves. In my son, I see so much of myself and yet he is not me. It is hard to explain, but I don’t think that I am being as supportive.

The challenge remains how to set the boundaries I need to set while allowing him the space to be himself. It sounds very simply, but it is far more complicated. I take his behavior to be one thing, when it may be something completely different. So that is the kid rearing challenge du jour I guess.

Also, I am homeschooling the kids next year. That in and of itself doesn’t scare me at all. What does is that the social network of Mamas that has supported me the last 4 years will all be sending their kids to school and I am nervous about the network not being as available as it once was.
Yes, I am outgoing. Yes, I meet people easily. But the thought of finding a new tribe is a but daunting. Austin has such a large community of HSers, I am sure it won’t be that bad. But right now it looms large over me.

So that is just what is swirling around in my head and with some time to empty it before I pick up the kids, well, I thought I would!

1. Cooking at the beginning of a season

I could have just said summer cooking, but really it is all about the beginning of the season. Just like a new relationship, I am in love with summer right now. We have now started getting a good bit of summer veggies and I am having fun cooking many of our favorites from last year.

Also, I have been making more drinks – lemonade, cherry limeade, margaritas, and hibiscus mint tea with ginger, lemon and sugar (SO good!). I even made a homemade granita last week.

I experience every season in two ways – out in nature and in my kitchen. I love the light meals, the cool foods, the crunch of fresh veggies. It is all so very good!

This girl, oh this wonderful, mellow, sweet, drive me up the wall insane little one. In our family, Tyler and I are both fire. Because his personality is so much like mine, I feel like I already know him. Lately, things he says and does take me back to specific moments in my childhood where I did the same thing. And I love that familiarity, the many bits of sameness that we share.

But this girl, she is air. And this family needs air. She has this way about her that I can’t explain. She is quite verbal so every thing she does has a reasonable explanation and it makes us smile. “Well of course I need to do that, I am doing this.” It all makes so much sense and is so reasonable – she has no idea why I am in such a tizzy about it. She sings made up songs all the time. She has a wonderful imagination. All trash is treasure and can fit into whatever she might be carrying at the time.

“We should talk to Uncle Dean about going up to his house in the snow, because I like snow.”

Or whenever she is enjoying something, “What fun! What fun!”

When you clean out her play kitchen you will find just about everything that has gone missing in the next month. I found Star Wars’ R2-D2 in there yesterday. Chris said, “she likes R2-D2.” I also found rocks, pipe cleaners, paper, more paper, pens, pencils, toys. Whatever is special in that moment goes there. I also find many things special to other family members in there too!

She is so self-reliant. She is hungry and so this little momma raids my fridge. It is all so matter-of-fact. She will only eat a bit of what she gets though and store the rest of it back in the fridge.

She is so charming. Even when I am angry, she has a way of being that distracts me from my anger. I end up smiling or laughing even. And I am not one to let go of anger easily, but somehow she makes it so easy.

She just has a way about her and if you have spent a lot of time with her you know what I mean. She is so unfamiliar to me, though I do see glimpses of Daddy in there. Still, I love the mystery, I love how light it all is, and I am enjoying seeing what comes of this silly girl who goes about her day enjoying life.

This picture above and one below was taken in November. She got back in her cradle the other day and so I snapped another picture. This cracks me up. This little girl of mine loves to cozy right into her cradle with her dolls because she can. And so she lays there covered up in “blankets” singing songs and chatting with her dolls.

In two weeks she will be 4 years old. I really can’t believe it. I really can’t.

Am I depressed? Is it sleep deprivation because I just can’t seem to get any? Am I low on some vitamin? Am I burned out? Am I just an old fart? It is that I am too emotional and so I just tend to end up here time to time? Is it that I don’t take care of myself? Is this a mid-life crisis?

I assume it is a bit of yes to all of the above. Who knows. Last night was a mix of pity party and beating myself up. Sad I am here and blaming myself for being here. Today it was more anger at once again digging myself out when I would rather just give up.

But I am not built like that. I will do what I need to do to get myself to a better place though I am kind of sick of landing here. It seems a little different each time. Maybe I have just been depressed for a while, but it just seems to flare every so often?

Or maybe it is just the icky ebb and flow of life. The biggest bummer is just that being tired makes me a crappy Mom.

All I know is that I don’t feel very wise at the moment and feel like a bit of a fake. And in this moment, I feel very indifferent which is refreshing. No emotion is so much easier than being flooded with them.

I have had some good distraction though. Who knows. I’m tired, but I always am and that seems to be at the heart of the problem.

So whenever I disappear for a while you can count on 2 things being true:

1. I am very tired.
2. Life is insane.

There has been a lot of life going on lately. And finally, finally it feels like things are letting up. But you know what? I am 100% burned out…on everything. Everything feels like a chore, and obligation and I am really tired of that.

Things I used to love and have passion for, I don’t anymore. And so I am realizing that I need to clear my plate completely and start over. Of course, things don’t happen that easily, but I am learning to do the minimum I have to do and to delegate as much as I can.

I am feeling inspired to go in new directions, but am trying to be cautious lest I fill my plate up all over again. I want to do some fun project through my blog, but I don’t know what – maybe 30 days of loafing. And if you know me at all – well that title alone is hilarious.

So we will see what comes. At any rate, I wanted to check in to say “hi”! and that I hope to hang around these parts more often than I have been. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods!

A blah day – all over the place in my head. Just one of those down days. In the kitchen making dinner and I look up, and there is the sunset. As much as I envy those folks in the hills that get to see the entire expanse of the sunset every night, I wouldn’t trade my little view for anything. I am blessed to get the glimpse I get and it makes me so very happy.

I stopped many times this evening trying to capture the beauty in front of me. I can’t explain how it fills me. It requires nothing of me, but to be in the moment drinking in the visual goodness. The clouds dance and takes so many forms – some days looking like artists strokes – sometimes long, somtimes curved, some days cotton balls, some days wisps, some days a mix of it all. I bask in the gorgeous glow of the sun and for that fleeting moment all is right with me, all is right with the world.

Tonight, the sunset was the friend knocking on my window asking “why so glum?” and got me out of my head for a while. And if that wasn’t cool enough, on one trip out to take another picture, I look up and there is the moon looking down at me! And it was like “hi”!…it is a party. :-p

And so I share some of the scenery with you tonight. Maybe your day wasn’t that hot either and you could use the visual distraction.

And it is over…thanks for dropping by!