A blah day – all over the place in my head. Just one of those down days. In the kitchen making dinner and I look up, and there is the sunset. As much as I envy those folks in the hills that get to see the entire expanse of the sunset every night, I wouldn’t trade my little view for anything. I am blessed to get the glimpse I get and it makes me so very happy.

I stopped many times this evening trying to capture the beauty in front of me. I can’t explain how it fills me. It requires nothing of me, but to be in the moment drinking in the visual goodness. The clouds dance and takes so many forms – some days looking like artists strokes – sometimes long, somtimes curved, some days cotton balls, some days wisps, some days a mix of it all. I bask in the gorgeous glow of the sun and for that fleeting moment all is right with me, all is right with the world.

Tonight, the sunset was the friend knocking on my window asking “why so glum?” and got me out of my head for a while. And if that wasn’t cool enough, on one trip out to take another picture, I look up and there is the moon looking down at me! And it was like “hi”!…it is a party. :-p

And so I share some of the scenery with you tonight. Maybe your day wasn’t that hot either and you could use the visual distraction.

And it is over…thanks for dropping by!

Tyler had the very good luck a few weeks ago to find a heart rock at Zilker Park. He was very proud of his find. He brought it to me to put in a safe place and said, “Momma, I want to put this heart rock in Daddy’s heart for Valentine’s Day.”

This boy loves and adores his Daddy so much..I think more than his Daddy realizes.

Grandma is a good influence around here. She says we should bring home cupcakes one afternoon, and so we do!

I feel better today and considering that I got no more sleep last night, that is a good thing. I think I have been going through the grief process and I am finally at the acceptance phase.

He does loves me, I do know that. And he has to work. He is trying to build a photography business. He is trying to survive. There isn’t much time for chats, adventures and us. There just isn’t right now and I can’t change that. If I support him, then I have to accept that.

Part of me feels like I fought so hard to actually end up with less. But I think the universe wasn’t going to let us off the hook of working on our marriage so easily. It was hard to return to the old dynamic though – he never needed me like that and so for once we were in my realm and I was comfortable there. But he is better and that is really what is best. And so now we make space to work on the old crap – can’t ignore it forever.

“If you want more love, why don’t you say so? Just say so.”

{“Heartbreak Warfare” – John Mayer}

That line stops me dead in my tracks. This evening my friend sends me a link to this article that recommends, “Ask for love when you need it.”

Really? Is it just that easy? To do that means you have a good bit of of trust in a person. Because to ask for that makes one very vulnerable and you have to trust that whomever you ask will grant your request. It seems like such a foreign idea though my kids do it all the time and it seems to work for them…

Did I mention I have trust issues? *sigh*

Innovate
The other things that plagues my head these days is my decision to homeschool. The school part is cake for me – really, not intimidated there. It is more the “not working” element. And I don’t know how long I intend to homeschool – it may only be a few years. It is hard to see my husband stress so much and I feel guilty being here. I never wanted this for us – I never wanted one of us to have to responsible for it all. We were supposed to share this burden so neither of us would feel stuck.

I know that overall we are better off with me home right now and truth be told, I love it and I am good at it. But I grew up where suffering was way more respected. And if I am not slogging right there with him, then I need to expect very little from him because be provides for us. Oh these tapes in my head!!

But today I was talking to the director at my part-time job and the word innovate came to me. Why does it have to be one way or the other? I can find a way to do it all and not kill myself. That if I am smart, I can find the opportunity that will allow for both. I may not be bringing in that much, but at least a little extra.

So much change – I hate chage…oh, but I love to change everything and everyone else. I am strange, I know. I don’t know – that thought brought some levity….

Off to work..and finish knitting me some wrist warmers!

This is me lately – in constant motion. Waiting for a friend to come over to discuss a project, I was just walking around the house. Not enough time to sink into anthing, so what should I do. Maybe it was the caffeine, but I just couldn’t sit still – a huge problem lately. And so I put on my jacket, hat and gloves and went outside and laid in the grass on that sunny afternoon.

And once I was there, I couldn’t move. I sank into the ground and let the sun recharge me. I admired the trees I have loved all winter and looked at the blue sky. My mind quieted. I need to remember this and do it way more often.

I am so flooded with emotions these days that are intense, but meaningless. There is no reason for them, but they come. I am learning to just ignore them. I listen to whatever music will let that emotion play out in my head: anger, rebellion, giddy, lost, weary, sad, elated, depressed…..it helps. I am learning to not attach my emotions to anything or anyone in particular. Nevertheless, processing through wears me out.

I operate on a currency of emotion and often these days I think it sucks. Nothing is stable in my world everything is fleeting. Up, down and all around.

All my friends are figuring out school – I know at least for now, I am homeschooling – there I said it. The schooling itself will be cake for this daughter of an elementary school teacher – it is more the going against the grain that freaks me out. Will I crave more freedom? What am I going to do – I want to go back to work at some point, but doing what and what will I get paid since I have been at home? I am pretty damn smart and creative…. Seeing my husband work and stress all the times makes me feel so guilty. Everything is so uncertain.

I don’t know – I feel lonely, but I always feel this way…always. Connections never feel permanent, but for the moment. I feel misunderstood or perhaps like no one knows me. Course some days I don’t know who I am either. Hubby says I always take solice in this notion, so be it then. I am married to someone with an avoidant/dismissive attachment type – I am the opposite, preoccupied/ambivalent and require strong connections. It is all baggage I guess. He provides me a strong foundation upon which I can rely always – but there is another side there. And perhaps I am learning more and more how it is ME who has to be there for me….be my own best friend. I need to remind myself that really it is all fine, I am okay, everything is okay.

“self-talk” is a good coping strategy for my type and I do it a lot. And perhaps this blog is part of that – I can talk to myself and work it out. So many of these emotions are fleeting – it is all weather. And if I breathe, don’t put to much stock it in, it will pass.

And with this constant churn of emotion, I need a lot of nrecharge….and really outside is the only place i can get it. I think I rely too much on people being an extrovert, but then I exhaust people – it is like I suck out their energy. Nature is the only place big enough to absorb it all – I can dump it all there feeling no guilt and then simply feel light and free.

This week is going to be hard because I am working on a really special project for a friend. It will take a lot out of me to complete it…and I have a feeling that it will require a few late nights, so the sleep deprivation won’t be fun. But the end result, will be worth it….it always is.

And I expect next week, you will find me lying in the grass quite a bit recharging, basking in the accomplishment of the week before and trying to shake off all the emotion that is weighing me down. Just being okay in my world and enjoying the company of the trees.

Ah, the three of us are best when together. Mom told me that she was meeting with Bryan today to review things for her knee replacement surgery tomorrow. I told her I wanted to come to so I could get the details and ask questions…and because that is the best dynamic.

It works out well – my Mom is the heavy freaking out about well, everything. Bryan and I sit there making inappropriate jokes and barbs to cut through the tension and lighten the mood. It is so fun to watch my Mom want to remain serious or know she shouln’t laugh, but can’t help it. What can I say – Bryan and I are pretty damn funny together.

Mom was concerned that Bryan wasn’t absobring information, so I call him unreliable and tell Mom I have it covered. Bryan throws a barb at me about my inability to create a career for myself. Then Mom tells me that Bryan is the primary contact since he is more flexible, Bryan gloats.

Then Mom goes off about our Dad’s “Do Not Revive” directive telling us that if anything happens to him in the 2 hours she is under, to not go to herioics. I joke that she is just counting the days until she can get a condo in Boca Raton. Then she starts worrying that she is going to die on the table, so Bryan and I starts immediately divying up the estate starting with the TV.

We ebb and flow between sarcasm and keeping my Mom calm and focused on what is needed and not what is going to happen 5 weeks down the road when a friend wants to come visit her and will I take her. We try to reassure her that we’ve got it, it will all be okay.

This is us. This was all of us sitting in our living room with Chris until 2am waiting for my labor with Quinn to begin after my water broke. Going between my Mom freaking out that I wasn’t immediately going in to the hopital and my brother cracking jokes. It was one of my favorite parts of that birth story.

Shit is heavy. My brother is an incredible man who will apply lotion to his father’s feet and check his father’s backside to make sure it is clean. I get a “pass” on some of these harsher realities because I was the one who had children, he didn’t. It isn’t always fair to him as I think he ends up bearing more weight that he should have to…and so I am slowly trying to step up more.

Nevertheless, we crack jokes because what else can you do? Reality is what it is. It is how we survive and how we get through. I am ever thankful for him and that he is HERE. How many families live together in the same city these days? We are beyond lucky.

I can make jokes by myself, but when Bryan is around, they just come so easily and we crack each other up as the jokes sometimes fly over our Mom’s head. Sorry, Mom.

My two kids have been wrestling like crazy lately and having a great time. I smile. That is my brother and I right there.

Even though I know we drive my Mom nuts at times thinking that we just don’t get the gravity of the situation, I hope as we leave her house, she knows we have it covered….and we already know who is getting the TV. :-p