Why? Because it is calm there. Everything is still there while life whirls crazily around me. Life is good, but busy and so much is going on.

On one hand, there is everyone else’s life going on.

- My Dad is going into an Alzheimers Home this week. Yes, he is 60 and being put in a home. It is a sad disease he has and has convinced me that I will terminate my life when the right time comes if I am diagnosed with any kind of brain degeneration. Oddly enough, my Mom and I are having caregiver guilt at the same time as I am putting my kids in a program 2 days a week and she is putting my Dad in.

- I had a friend who thought she might have an aneurysm. Those freak me out as I saw two friends go through that with their Moms. One friend’s Mom died on the way to the ER when my friend was 7 yrs old. I went to the funeral, we were in second grade together. The whole thing left a huge impression on me. Another friend was in college when her Mom had one and survived, but had to have her frontal lobe removed. Her Mom would be 8 yrs old for the rest of her life and my friend would become her caregiver. The good news is that today we found out she is fine! She didn’t post what was causing those terrible headaches, but I hope that they find out.

- I am entering that time in my life where marriages are starting to deteriorate. That is a new phase for me. It is so sad, but as I am learning, each situation is so completely different. Some I could see coming and some I couldn’t. One of the crappier sides to life. In the end I hope everyone ends up happy. I have seen people divorce and their lives end up in way better places than they could ever imagine. That is what I hope for my friends.

Oh, and in talking to Chris about his job today, Tyler says, “that’s just life.” to something I said. I promptly told him he was too young to say that. Anyway, it is weird to be an observer sometimes - there isn’t anything i can do, but support where appropriate.

Then there is my life about to go on…

I say about because nothing starts in earnest for another two weeks. And so I can feel myself just waiting. Waiting for the shift, waiting for the wave to carry me. Waiting for the time.

1. Kids start school. That will be a really nice break. I plan to spend most of my time exercising, working on house projects that need to get finished, and planning stuff for the kids. I will have my one small job, but I would love another way to earn some money. Not that I have time, but who needs time? I realize that the cost of putting the kids in school goes way beyond the tuition because I will have more time and that will cost money - yoga classes, a meal out with a friend here and there, supplies for projects. It is actually cost effective to have the kids at home because things get done so slowly, you spend your money slowly! :-p

2. Monday Morning Co-op Starts. It will initially be for just 2/2.5 hours in September, but in October we will extend it to a full day from about 9:30 to 3pm. Although it will be a bit much with the kids in school, it will really help me dip my toes into the homeschooling waters and see what I think. I have started examining my many ideas and emotions around schooling for the kids. I want to really understand the reason for my choices and make sure it is best for the kids and for our family. The co-op will be parent/child based, at my house and based on Enki Education. If we do homeschool, this will be our base community.

3. BFC Office Manager Job - Our director is back from vacation, so my job will begin in earnest now. I am really looking forward to it. Fall registration will be starting soon, so I will be busy with that and a whole host of other things. It is neat to help grow a business and begin to formalize processes and operations.

Waiting for the season to shift

I feel it most when it comes to my cooking. I have had the best time cooking this summer. I have enjoyed the summer veggies and all the new, exciting recipes. Suddenly, that excitement has waned and I feel so unmotivated. And I realized that I am ready for the next harvest. I am in line with the earth, because the CSA just emailed that we are at the end of our summer harvest and that things will be lean for the month of August. I have been ordering some from the Soup Peddler and just trying to keep the meals simple around here. Chris and I love fall, so we are just waiting, waiting, waiting.

Surviving the Summer

I think Chris and I have done a good job getting through the summer. Kayaking has been really helpful and a wonderful discovery for our family. Also spontaneity has been crucial.

The other night we were going to do a repeat of our sunset kayak trip. We left the house late and I just felt that Chris and I didn’t have it in us. So we went to Jo’s Downtown and got lattes, then parked at Auditorium Shores. We started walking towards Congress Bridge and thought about maybe seeing if we could catch the bats. Sure enough we waited for about 20 minutes and then got to see them. The kids thought they were about 5 minutes of cool. Chris has never seen them come out from so close and from that perspective (we were under the bridge). And of course, dusk in the city is so damn cool. I wanted to stash the kids and go get a drink with Chris at the Hyatt.

This past weekend we took the kids to the Children’s Museum. I didn’t realize that Chris had never been, so Daddy had a great time playing with the kids.

Also with the kids starting school, we have been getting Grandparents to take the kids on the weekends. Chris and I have been having all these fun dates - we went Kayaking together on Town Lake, had coffee with friends and just this weekend saw the Dark Knight at the IMAX theater with friends. It has been really nice to spend time together as a couple.

That is where I am in a nutshell. I have so many other things I want to post about, but I have some other to-do’s that require my attention…

It is bad folks - I headed to my favorite house of sin Saturday - that is right- Hill Country Weavers and picked up yarn for another three hats. I started a hat Saturday night and had it finished Monday morning. I just can’t stop. Actually, I am getting better at putting it down.

But just today I was telling a friend how I LOVE the decrease sequence of a hat. It is like hiking - you go up and up and up for the view at the top. The decrease sequence is where all the shaping happens - it is just so fun. And don’t interrupt me when I am “in sequence” - it requires focus and I don’t want to stop until I have finished.

My name is A. Hedge and I have a problem - I should just start practicing…

I have much to share and no time - isn’t that always the case. The kids have their first visit to their school tomorrow morning. Chris is going with us and we will see how it goes. My boss gets back from her vacation in two weeks, so I need to make sure am I ready for the fall registration period as it will get hectic.

Then there is this binder in which I pretty much organized my life with color coded sheets of paper. Said binder got left at the house of sin, er.. knitting store, and now cannot be found. Three hours of work - the mourning continues, but the knitting eases the pain…

And at some point, I have to sit down and get into details about my kids - fascinating beings these two. And if I don’t get their nuances and idiosyncrasies documented,  they will be lost forever. Lord, knows I can’t remember either of them a year ago. Ask me if they were like this a year ago and I would tell you, ” I have no clue, check the blog…..”

I need to head to bed, but just wanted to check in. I also need to tell you about our new favorite recreational activity - kayaking. Chris and i were actually on the lake twice this weekend - we were sore as hell, but man it was so fun!!

Gotta get to bed!

Kayaking on LadyBird Lake at sunset with hubby and the kids.

No one on my shoulder bringing me fears Got no clouds up above me bringing me tears Got nothing to tell you I got nothing much to say Only I’m glad to be here with you On this heavenly heavenly heavenly heavenly heavenly day - Patty Griffin

Then I head to the knitting store and start many knew projects, I get busy at night with chores and whatnot, and lately, I have been plain tired. Chris and I are both somewhat confused and frustrated by our fatigue lately.

Are we getting old? Have we lost our endurance? He and I are both pretty productive people and a lack of energy just doesn’t work with out lifestyles.

I have about 100 too many things that I want to accomplish this fall. I feel like I spent this year shedding every extra-curricular thing I was involved in only so I could start it up again.

At least I do so with fresh ideas, renewed vigor and enthusiasm instead of a feeling of dread and resentment. Maybe I just needed some time off.

Keep checking back because i have like 5 other blog posts sitting in my head just waiting for me to have the time to get them out.

Oh, and I the above project was a vest for my Mom. Well, sadly, I have almost finished the front part and it doesn’t fit her. I am new to knitting clothing and I understand that there are a lot of tricks and know-how and experience that go into making a knitted fitted garment. So, I guess I am just getting started there. On the upside, it looks like that vest will fit me perfectly. Wow, I am making something for myself - what a novel idea!!

Vincera….Chris came to Austin with 6 friends to start a company. Considering the economic climate at the time and backlash against web startups, they had an uphill battle the entire way. While their story isn’t a 100% happy ending, they did get funding and had a pretty good run spanning many years. That core group - those 6 guys and their significants became a family.

I walked into the office with a crazy new haircut one Friday at the end of the day and tried to round up some folks to go our for dinner - everyone came. I remember Trieu asking some of us to come support his cousin at a film fest at the Alamo - we all came. We had Iron Chef competitions at our house and so much good times. We traveled to Canada to attend Kevin and Candice’s wedding. Everyone came - even Ashish and Shalini with their 1 year old son. It was the most amazing group of people I have every been around. Everyone was there for everyone. We could lean on each other. And when the guys were working way too damn much - we formed the Vincera Wives Club and consoled ourselves with drinks at Trudy’s.

Enter kids and suddenly 6 months go by and we haven’t seen or talked with each other. Babies are born and by the time we get over to see the new little one, he is 5 months old. Everyone is so busy with their lives these days.

Well, Michelle emailed a few weeks ago and we all managed to get together at a water park in Round Rock this past weekend. We had a picnic, played in the water with the kids, and well it was awesome. We are all ready to do it again and start getting together way more often. We all missed each other so much. It was like old times.

A few weeks ago, I lamented I had lost all my friends. And now I realized, that no, that is not the case - I just need to pick up the phone or send an email. It is amazing what can happen when you put some effort in!

My Girls!!

Well, a very, very part-time one anyway. Remember I was talking about enjoying process and building organizations? Well, I have a part-time job with Blossom Family Center. It is a small gig, about 3 to 5 hours a week, but I am sure I will volunteer way more than that. I am basically an office manager. There is so much chaos to organize and i love that - files, office organization, enrollment and admissions processes, accounting.

I am already designing a database in my head for storing records and streamlining the enrollment process. I am dreaming of an on-line registration process. Oh, and I am completely ignorant when it comes to web software, but considering all I learned in constructing the web site and how well it turned out..well, I am pumped.

This is the first part of my wanting to do more, expanding out into the world, and reclaiming parts of who I used to be. And the great thing about this job is that is is something new for my resume. This job and projects I am starting up serve a dual role: fulfill my need to participate more in life outside our home, volunteering and helping orgs and finding ways to demonstrate my skills/learn new skills that can be added to my resume when and if I head back to work.

Remember that dream of wanting to run a non-profit? Well in lieu of a fancy degree, I am hoping that lots of practical experience and good references might get me somewhere in that quest.

Chris is concerned about me getting over-extended and rightly so. But I am always happiest running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The Blossom Family Center is run by a woman with 4 children so she totally understands the demands of family and is very flexible. Most of my work can be done from home which is nice.

Ah, employed again - it feels good.

For the longest time the best way I could describe my relationship with music was to describe how I wanted to listen to it. I wanted to drown in it. I could see myself completely underwater with earphones on. I was completely enveloped in sound, floating, sinking into the sonic goodness. I happened upon this site, Drowned in Sound, the other day and was excited to see that I am not the only one who feels that way.

These days the closest I can come to that feeling is having the music cranked up beyond reasonable levels in the car. I rarely find myself alone in the car, so the precious few times I do - it is heaven.

I had to drive down to Oak Hill today for a quick errand and wasn’t jazzed until I discovered an old favorite song, “Bittersweet Symphony” by the Verve. I start floating in the car the second the strings start in. It is as if I take off the facade of myself, and the whole person inside emerges. I am so powerful in that moment and full of ideas, confidence and creativity.

On the way home and on listen #6 (it is a 6 minute song), these words suddenly fly at me:

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

but I’m here in my mold , I am here with my mold
And I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I can’t change my mold

And there it is. I am still writhing in my mold, still trying to shake off some negative emotions that have me down. At the same time I am wanting to change, wanting to bust out of that mold. Wanting to take the amazing amounts of energy and creativity inside, all the different sides of me and work harder to find an outlet for all of them. I want to world to see those sides of me because it is as if until the world does, the world doesn’t really know me.

And boy was that energy flowing out of me today. I am trying to pay more attention to what is happening to me and what it means. For instance, I was thinking about how we had dinner with Kat and Steve two weeks ago. I haven’t seen much of Kat in ages and she mentions she is now teaching bellydancing for UT Informal Classes. And it hits me - I should take some bellydancing lessons. Crazy? Perhaps.. But wait, there is more!I was envisioning crazy goddess ceremonies for the upcoming winter solstice. I was thinking henna tatoos and dancing to music around a bonfire in the cold of the night. A Mama has to let loose sometimes. We have to get in touch with that wild child that remains under the weight of the responsibility that comes with raising children.

The universe is pushing me out of my comfort zone. I like to settle in a place and stay, well, indefinitely. I feel like the universe is telling me to move on. The next chapter is opening up. I am leaving the baby days, my kids are getting older and my focus can begin to shift a bit.

I am just taking stock right now. Taking a line from a friend, positivity begets positivity. Just flow to where the opportunities lie (I will tell you about one in my next post!). My wise, wise friend Wendy says that the right path is easy. When things are hard, they just aren’t meant to be.

My focus has been to narrow lately. Life is all around me and so are my friends. And as I open my eyes and put in some effort on my part, I am rediscovering all these amazing people who have been around me for years. The people who know me best and really, have always been there. The more I keep opening myself up to the world, taking risks, putting myself out there, the more creative outlets open up. And the ideas are flowing like crazy right now. Maybe I am just ready for a change for once in my life.. I don’t know. Maybe it is just a temporary high! :-p

Regardless of what it all means - I am in a good place. The kids start school soon, we have vacations coming up… And the best thing of all is that my favorite time of year, autumn, is just around the corner!

I am here in my mold..I CAN change…I feel free now….