What happens when the lens you have spent most of your adult life looking through is changed? When your personal narrative – the one of who we are and how we became to be – is given a thorough autopsy? When the role we play, whether it be victims, fighters, survivors, rebels, caregivers, new improved versions, or a mix is called into question? When the lenses keep flipping and what you see changes and hence begins to unravel what you know and what you believe?

I feel like for the first time, I left the perch I’ve stood on so long and am now taking a 360 degree look at my life. It has been shocking to see how different things look at different angles. I have chosen to bite the forbidden fruit and accept the knowledge for better and for worse. Things are not at all what they seemed to be.

At first there is much anger and resentment when certain realities come into focus. I felt hurt, deceived, and used. But now it is about the moving on, doing the work that needs to be done and dealing with what is. There is a reality in front of me and I get to choose my path. I have the freedom of choice. That right there tells me that I have walked away from the fear, I am standing on both feet and I am starting to trust.

I am also owning what is mine – all my shit that complicates things that shouldn’t be complicated.

This time has been enlightening. I am not only taking notice of my patterns, but others as well. I am enjoying being the observer. I am watching me..and I am watching those around me. I can feel my world being shaken up and the pieces being rearranged in the process and it feels energizing. This is what accepting and embracing change must feel like. I finally let go.

While therapy initiated this lens changing process, it has been the intense therapeutic assessment that has blown the roof off. I asked questions, opened myself up to projective and standard tests, and in 11 days, I begin to get data and answers to a list of specific questions I asked. If you want to get to the core of your shit, in about 6 weeks, you can. But be ready and put on a seat belt, it is exhausting, painful and mind bending. Ink blots gave me nightmares. Need I say more?

My story was opened up, prodded, picked through and explored. I have become a fly on the wall of my own life. In a few weeks, I will get answers that will validate some of my story, add details, alter parts of it and shine a bright light on what is going on in my life. And while I may be the heroine in parts of the story, there will be truths I may not want to hear. And after this there will be lots of work and changes that I will have to own and make. It is going to be a massive head trip. I am all at once excited and fearful of what I will learn.

I feel like I am being vague and I don’t mean to be. If anything it is about choosing to face my demons. I could have stayed on that perch, but I was dying on that perch. I was losing what little there was left of who I am. In 11 days, my narrative will be given to me from an expert in this field.

All I know for now is that the results show a high level of depression that makes them wonder how I am getting out of bed everyday. A depression they think I have walked around with for most of my life. Wow, that is a very different narrative than my own. One I am sure that would puzzle those who know me well. But therein lies what I have rationalized and what is real.

And so I can’t wait to hear the whole story. I think I know who I am. What does my psychological autopsy reveal? 11 days. It can’t come soon enough. I think I am going to try to start reading again – I need a good distraction.

I feel like I have been picked apart. The curtain has been pulled back. I feel like I am walking around a house looking through each window, but what I see inside changes. I think of eye exams when they switch lenses and tell you to read the letters – with every lens you see something different. The analogies could go on and on.

Today I walked around so anxious, fretting about these recent discoveries. Who am I? Am I the things the doctor said? What does that mean? Questions abound. Curiosities rear their heads. Research ensues. Knowledge gained. Processing. So much processing. I feel like I am hovering over me and then am inside me and then back out. Examining every angle until I can settle on a conclusion that brings peace.

And I did find the conclusion that brought calm. A realization. A moment of elation follows.

And there it is – there is my process. This is how I cope with anxiety, but I am watching it as if it were a movie happening in front of me.

The realization was that even with all this new information and new ways of seeing myself, I am still me. There is nothing to fear. Even if what I see of me is blurry, or is from different angles, it is still me.

I haven’t changed – it is just new information. Information that can be useful in helping me learn new and/or better ways to cope with what stirs in my brain. Medication to address what is out of balance now and we will see what the future brings. I am trying to get used to these new bits of knowledge and figure out how to incorporate them into my self-image.

There was a moment where I felt like damaged goods. But I realized that it isn’t like that at all. All these parts create the characteristics that make me uniquely me. And disparate parts me, nurturing that made me less of a risk taker combined with a naturally more impulsive side create balance. Most of it works…and works pretty well.

So now I am aware of these things and have a greater appreciation for them. I have such a greater appreciation for just how unique we all are. And my mind is at peace. And now I hope it will let me sleep.

This was Wednesday. It started with a beautiful golden sunrise. I had to capture the joy it brought me. Then it was off to the appointment, the wake up call. Um, yeah, you are not okay.

From there was scheduling an appointment for medicinal support because it was now clear I needed it. Then came this article. The mirror was held up to my face and I finally got it. This was something significant and now out of my control. This happens to other people and that I was not crazy nor was I a failure. I was 1 in 5 people who would go through a really difficult and dark time in their lives.





Creating with Quinn

I was in such a funk after that. And because I know I am in this place, I try extra hard to be present with the kids. And so this afternoon, Quinn was cutting out hearts she had just painted.

She was giving them to me to, “put them in the kitchen Mama so when you see them you smile.” And so I looked at them and thought about hanging them. Then I saw there were 4 hearts and thought “mobile!”

We had no straws, but then I thought “sticks!” – even better! To be fair, once I tied the first heart on the stick, Quinn was very happy with her “heart whacking stick”. I had to pause the project because it seemed we were on the creative outs. She liked what she had and off she went happily.

Later she was done playing with it and allowed to me move forward with the mobile. It made me so happy to do something simple and creative with her art. It came out so well. I hung it in the kitchen as she had originally instructed. It makes me smile.

Four hearts. Four of us. In this life, each on our own journey, but sharing the road together. Of course, she later told me she liked the “heart whacking sticks” better. My very honest four year-old.

Lady Gaga!!

Later that night, I was headed to see Lady Gaga!!! I know – talk about a day of highs and lows…. It was a crazy thing. I had expressed via Facebook that I was way bummed I wasn’t going. I had this notion I was too old to go, but realized that was crap. I need to spend more time being true to myself. Anyway, another friend concurred and we agreed we would see her next time around. Well the very next day, someone she knew was selling two tickets. Talk about being meant to be!!

How often does a person get a “do-over” on a regret? and in such a big way!?!?! Naturally I put on a wig, some fun make up and expressed myself. Madonna would be damn proud! Speaking of regrets – never saw her live…

The concert was truly amazing. Whatever you think of Lady Gaga, you cannot deny that she is talented. Her voice is incredible. In addition to rocking the piano, she played organ, stand up base and that guitar/keyboard instrument I can’t name (:-p). She’s a fantastic performer and really gives her all. It’s a complete show – sets, costumes, performance art, interaction with the audience. It was really a great experience – and to feel that much energy in an arena is so cool.

The best moment though was her piano rendition of “Born this Way”. Everytime I listen to this I get chills. It really is a beautiful song and sung this way is so very powerful. And to hear thousands of people sing the chorus – well, that is a moment that will elevate you. Simply spine tingling. And given this crazy-making place in which I find myself – the words below mean a great deal. An affirmation if you will. The video I took is below – you must watch and listen to it – I promise you’ll get chills too.

“There’s nothin wrong with lovin who you are”
She said, “’cause he made you perfect, babe”
“So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far,
Listen to me when I say”

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way
Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way

And if you got this far – just for fun, here is a panorama of the arena.

Nature has always felt like what I thought church was supposed to, but never did (I grew up Catholic). It is all around me. It is always there. It is a relationship not fraught with the complexities of human ones. It is one I trust, one that fills me and one that I can go to whenever I am in need.

These last few weeks have been intense and difficult to say the least. In reviewing my most recent pics, I found a few that captured those moments. A pause in a difficult day where I stood face to face with something amazing and was able to find peace and room to breathe. These are the moments where I feel like I am face to face with my higher power.

I experienced it on a recent road trip to Dallas just me and the kids. The fact that I managed to get us packed and on road in and of itself was a miracle. I had an emotionally exhausting week thanks to a harassing neighbor, was parenting solo and was emotionally and physically exhausted.

And so when awful traffic caused the trip to be 6 hours (instead of 3) and our audio books weren’t working, the kids and I made do with 8 songs on repeat.

And as we were finally out of traffic and about 30 minutes outside of Dallas, I begin to notice the sun setting beside me, with the most gorgeous full moon rising on the other side. I found intense peace in its beauty and was able to hit the reset button. There was breathing room and space. I wasn’t alone.

And so this sunset accompanied us into Dallas. With sunroof open, our awesome 8 tunes blaring, darkness setting in, the bright lights of downtown Dallas greeting us, and room on the road to move – the kids as I were blissful. I had a smile on my face the rest of the way in – we made it. I will not soon forget that drive.

This picture was taken the very next night after the drive I spoke of earlier. I remember the feeling of my heart wanting to explode. I was overcome with the beauty in front and all around me. In that moment I was so filled.

When I look up at trees, I instantly feel a life energy all around me. The way this tree’s branches reach and stretch out with a yearning, blacked out against the colorful sky was invigorating. I see all at once the struggle, the triumph and strength. And it is simply beautiful.

This is life right here in all its truth, glory and ugliness. It feels so very safe and protected. No judgement. No matter whether there is color or blackness – all together the scene makes sense. It works. It is connected. It is how it should be.

I wish human existence could always feel like this. That no matter in what part we reside in the moment, it is deemed beautiful and an important place to be. I wish that parts of our existence weren’t so scary to ourselves or to others. That we could all always feel safe with each other.

This picture was taken outside of my Dad’s Alzheimer facility one evening after I had put him to bed about a week and a half after our trip to Dallas. The sky out there feels so wide open. It feels like a hug the way it is so completely big and can encompass me. The clouds help give a sense of just how expansive it is the way they are so thinly stretched out.

Every time I see this picture it takes my breath away. I want to get lost in that sky. I love the feeling of space. The feeling of there being room for all of life. Nothing can possibly be overwhelming or overstimulating here. I look at the clouds and I feel light, almost like I can float.

This is the right place for my Dad to be – surrounded by peace and wide open skies as his brain slowly fails him. I love that he can sit outside and take it in. He was always such a simple man who enjoyed simple pleasures. He never got the chance to retire since he was diagnosed while still working, but somehow I am positive that spending his evenings sitting next to his wife, daughter, son, or grandchildren under such a beautiful sky would be absolute bliss to him.

This was taken 4 days ago at a gas station off Mopac early in the morning as I was heading to a therapy appointment. The sky was golden – it was so beautiful.

This morning was to be a difficult one. One where I had to face that as many times as I had pressed the reset button, as I found my strength in the trees, in the skies, where ever I could, that I was still flailing about in the lake. I had used up all my lives. I couldn’t be stronger just one more time.

I have been reminding myself that this isn’t my fault. I didn’t cause this. It just is. Life does all sorts of things to people. Stress causes ulcers, headaches and lots of stuff. And sometimes stress can cause changes in brain chemicals that completely turn life and everything we perceive on its head.

It wasn’t time to give up, but give in. To stop being strong. To stop trying. To let go and hit the bottom. There is no shame in proving that truly we are all human. I am so often referred to as a “super woman” because I have an insane amount of energy (though I think it to be waning with age). And maybe I wanted to prove everyone right and be what I was perceived to be.

But I am not. I am me. And life can be too much for me too. It can be for anyone. My brain pretty much said enough is enough. So here I am standing at the bottom of this dark place. But I will remember that the sky is always up and the trees are always next to me. And through them I will find that life energy and connectedness that ties me to something greater than me. Something that will hold me, guide me and help me find myself and a place not so dark and lonely.

Somewhere deep inside me lies an artist. She is still searching for the medium and the tools, but she is getting close. I see pictures in my head all of the time, I feel the urge to make things, but I don’t always know how.

While life has been heavy, the urge has been stronger than ever to express myself. The primary way I do it now is with words and occasional photography. However, I feel that my words are clumsy and get in the way of my thoughts. My pictures capture what I see, but they don’t always communicate the feeling nor what is conjured up in my mind’s eye in reaction to the scene in front of me.

I have my eye on some art classes at Laguna Gloria. I want to learn to work with acrylic paint, mixed media techniques, collage, and book binding. Oftentimes, I will use the desire to make something for someone else as a reason to create.

But I want to let go of my practicality and give myself permission to create just for the sake of doing so. Or as a friend relayed recently, “for the experience of doing so”. For the release I will experience in taking all that is inside me and arranging into a piece of art.

And wouldn’t it be funny if a big part of this journey right now was to lead me this place where I realize that the missing piece in the way I process and experience life is what I create. And maybe that is some of the void.

And perhaps I am totally off-base. But I need to take a leap to find out. So some classes or mentoring are in order. I like the idea of creating just for me. I watched this beautiful video the other day and this quote stood out to me:

‎”Art is a way to set free whatever it is I can’t explain in words.” ~ Misty Mawn

Yes. I see all around me how when life gets hard, what gets dropped first are the things that bring us joy, that keep us grounded, that remind us who we are. Fun is free and is something we have control over. Even with some crayons, paper and glue – amazing collages can be made.

The trick is to really grasp at what we have control over and how to keep balance. We don’t have to be tossing water out of the boat every single second. Which leads into my next post…..how to let go of control (which we don’t have anyway..). But first, I think some painting is in order….

I thought I was fine, but it turns out I was simply coping incredibly well. And now I look back and I see how these things had always been churning. It is funny how well we can dance around our demons when life is going well. Or we get bogged down by them from time to time, but are able to shake them loose. But put together a perfect storm, and they will finally pull our asses under.

And so we are now mired in more therapy I care to admit. Can I just say that sanity is expensive? Don’t get me started on income inequality and how more people need access to mental health care….

And so I feel like I am on an elevator going up all the floors of a tall building. The basement was December/January and that sucked. Floor one was hard. Next stop: floor two. And so it goes and I dissect these things that drag me down and find a way to cope with what is.

This process of poke wound, hurt, figure out what is it all about, try to heal it. This process of feeling better until the next wound is hard. This cycle of being at 30,000 feet above my life and then right back in my life. This repeat of clarity to confusion and back.

And now I am way sleep deprived. I get so deep in these places I can’t remember when it was fine. People say it will get better and this is a hard time for us. And I find that so profound, because I think I came to believe that life would always feel like this. That this is being an adult and I just need to learn how to deal with it.

I know there are so many important lessons to be learned right now. And I am trying so hard to glean every bit of knowledge I can from this time. But it also brings me comfort to know that life won’t always be this heavy. That joy will be easier. It won’t be something we will we have to fight so hard for.

I so wonder how my kids will remember this time. Will is be the time we were always stressed? We were always angry? We were sad? We weren’t really present with them? Or will it be a blip? It is so strange to be figuring out my life and the same time that theirs is being shaped.

It blows my mind now to think of what my parents were holding during my childhood. We carry these burdens that our children are in no way capable of comprehending. And we do our best to contain our suffering so that our children do not have to bear any of it. And if we don’t have the people in our lives to help and support us, to love us – we risk imploding because of all that we have stuffed inside us.

This crazy, hard, beautiful life. There is really no conclusion here. It is all a journey. Right now, I am trying to find more ways to bring comfort and joy into my life..and sleep. I am looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. And I hope to stay out of tunnels for a while. I am pooped.

I wish I could articulate what the last two months have been like. Surreal. I look out the window for answers and there is a giant full moon staring back at me. It is all so completely surreal.

I have been the supporting cast member in a tale of struggle ignoring the goings on in my own world…the changes taking place, the mounting stress, the plate finally out of room for one more thing.

Then there was this moment. A single moment on a sunny, calm day by the lake when the truth that had been all around me finally sunk in. It was like a slow motion free fall from that point forward.

And after so long of facing someone else’s demons, I was now facing my own. December will go down as one of the darkest months for me on record. I walled out the world, sat in my dark pit, cried and mourned and just felt it all. Every thing that I had been stuffing down while I was holding it together and being strong, every little bit passed through me. Fears and anxiety kept my shoulders and stomach in knots. I have been down before, but never like this. This was different. This hurt so much. This was hopeless. This was dark.

It felt like my entire world crumbled and then a tornado picked me up dumped me somewhere else.

I have been battling to shake off the depression as it tries to take a stronger hold of me. The new year was looking good, but in a vulnerable place, too much was required of me and I backslid. Thus far I have avoided medications and hope I can continue to do so.

Since this,
I’ve grown up some
Different kinda figther
And when the darkness come, let it inside you
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in myself
Truth.

From: Alexander Ebert, “truth”

At this moment, I feel like I am shaking it loose again. I am thankful to be in the care of a therapist who has worked with me previously and is very good. And so here I am trying to work it all out. And that isn’t easy, but it is necessary. I am too tired to try and tell the story. It is similar to anyone else who has done battle with their demons.

I know me though. No matter how far down I am or how long I am down, I seem to always find a way back. And I have to hold onto that. I hold the determination.

There remains a good bit of stress in my life. I am doing what I can to keep myself above water and energized. These days, I am not feeling as down as I am tired. One step at a time. This year is going to be another difficult one in many ways, but I am hoping near the end that life overall will look brighter. Or at least I will be in a better place to handle the bumps that might be coming this year.

I feel the need to state here that homeschooling is not part of what has me down. The changes, the stress would not have been avoided if Tyler was in school. If anything, my kids have been been front and center in keeping me grounded and focused.

And with that – you have my truth. This humble reminder that I too have more growing to do.

It didn’t hit me until about a week before our renewal that my Dad would not be there. I was responding to an email and reminiscing about my wedding day. I was in a minor car accident the day before on the way to San Antonio. I was okay, but there was some damage done to my car. I remember how my Dad took care of everything while I was on my honeymoon so when I got home my car was as good as new.

And there he was…..my Dad. I spend so much time in the NOW with my Dad, more often Pop these days than Dad or Daddy. And I cried. And I was glad there were tears. Sometimes I spend so much time detached. Maybe that is coping. Those tears felt good. Missing him. Remembering him.

And now, I want to feel that more. I had a hard visit at my Dad’s a few weeks ago when I was putting him to bed. The kids being there and a bit crazy did not help. It is strange to tell my kid angrily, “You need to be quiet and calm down because I need get Pop to bed” while tears are streaming down my face. His Depends are wet more often than not. It is harder to brush his teeth than it is my 4 year-old. I put lotion on his feet and body.

My brother does this once a week for my Mom. I want to as well. I think my Mom tries to limit my caregiving where my Dad is concerned because I have kids (my brother does not). But I need to do that. I need to have those moments, to feel this journey. I am learning that stuffing it all down doesn’t work because at some point all that emotion comes back up.

I was nearly obliterated this December because everything that I have been holding and stuffing down came up. I haven’t felt that much pain or cried that much in a long time.

Below are a series of pictures that were taken the day of our renewal. Mom brought my Dad over in the afternoon and we looked through our wedding album with him. He seemed to get excited about some of the pictures. He liked one with Bryan and Chris and was laughing at the garter picture.

That is not my Dad is these pictures though. I kind of wish blogging was done back when I was kid. I want more stories, more pictures, more memories. It is like my head is so full of my kids and this life that feels so very full that there is no room for his story. That scares me…that sometimes I feel like I can’t remember him, I can’t feel him.

I don’t really know what to do about that right now, but to see him more, to feel him more, to help care for him.

The shoot is a strange thing I must admit. Even with a good friend shooting us. I was very happy with the pictures we got back. Meredith has a way of seeing the soul of her subjects; she sees you.

My favorite shot of the whole bunch is below. The kids are not in this one – it is just Chris and I. It is my favorite because we both looked straight into the lens. That is the shot I wanted more than anything: us. We allowed the camera to look beyond our eyes and peer in.

We are together in this life. Right now life feels heavy. We are both open and vulnerable. All walls are down. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in our 14 years of being together. Rarely do we feel safe enough to be emotionally naked in front of another person – even those with which we are incredibly close. No defenses and nothing hidden. Life is so odd that such beauty comes from hard times. I feel so incredibly blessed to have his arm to squeeze. Though we feel lost, we are lost together.

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

And these pictures. Now I have them. And for a month they have been on a CD sitting on our desk waiting to be given to family and printed for our walls. But they are more than that. In times like this where everything is a question – when I feel so distanced from my kids, when we feel lost, when we don’t know who we are…..I look at these photos.

And there we are. We are found. Sure the kids were a bit nuts that day and sure Chris and I weren’t quite sure what to do, but I had someone there who knew how to find us. It didn’t matter what was happening on the surface. Meredith wouldn’t lose us. It is so beautiful to be seen….and also to be found.

We just returned from a really shitty vacation. It was shitty for a whole host of reasons. And not that things have to go well to make a vacation good – one of our best vacations included a cabin that got flooded, a tent that blew over at midnight and required us to pack up and take the kids to a hotel, and a car accident.

Maybe we were hoping to find something this time. Maybe we wanted to feel something that has been missing. But really, we are both lost inside ourselves. And our kids picking up on that seemed so very lost themselves. They were forces to be reckoned with on this trip.

The upsides of such experiences is that Chris and I talk. We are stopped at a park in the middle of the journey home and as the kids play, we try to figure it out. We talk calmly and honestly. We know this place sucks. I think deep down we are both blindsided by just how heavy life has become.

We are both depressed. We came to the end of our plan and never really made a new one. I think that we were on the get married, get house, get dog, have kids, have career. I quit to stay home after Quinn was born and we knew I would be home until they were school age.

Now I am homeschooling, but for how long and what is next. What does Chris want? What the hell do we want to do with our lives anyway? What are we saving for? We ran into a man who lives pretty cheaply traveling around to all the national parks – Chris eyes lit up!

Here we are – we created this family and we don’t know what to do with it. Having it requires a lot from us and we are serious-types. So much so that we put all of ourselves into the responsibility and we lose ourselves. We are always dealing with the hard stuff that we don’t even know how to have fun anymore. We are both trying to keep life under control….and we have young children. Needing to feel control + young children = impossible, total hell and utter chaos.

I told Chris today that if we hadn’t had kids, I wouldn’t feel so concerned about the future. I could just live my life and die. And to some degree I envy that. The truth is I am tired of all the responsibility. It is sometimes hard to detach. Chris can’t detach, so even if I try to bring the levity, he is steeped in work stress.

Ultimately we need to embrace the chaos that is life and not worry about the lack of answers. We need to take risks and get back to enjoying the surprises that life has to offer. It is just the journey.

But for right now, I just want to feel in control for a little while. And I don’t need cheering up. I just need some time to myself. I need to keep my energy and my ideas for me, for us. I need to put some creativity into our lives. We need to move beyond simply coping or getting by.

The holidays are a good time for us – we have lots of lovely family traditions that will help carry us through. I told Chris we need to have as much fun as we can the next couple of weeks and when the New Year rolls around, we need to set some serious intentions. We need to commit to living our lives more fully.

I miss us. I want to regret this turn in our life, but that is ridiculous. There is a lot of good and wisdom that have come from it. If anything, we are just growing up.

I am sure one day I will regret posting all this shit. But my kids will know me – warts and all. If my brain turns to mush or god forbid I am taken prematurely, they will see their mother and their childhood wholly. There were amazing days and some days completely sucked. And maybe if they ever find themselves in this position or feeling this way, they will know that it is normal. Memories get fonder as time goes by and so I like recording this stuff when it is raw and I am in the moment. Because this right here is just as real and the amazing times. It is all part of the roller coaster.

Everyone has a different way that they pull themselves out of the muck, and this is mine. I feel it and I ruminate… a lot. And I make sense of it for myself so I can then make a plan to dig myself out. I like plans. And I like thinking out loud.

And with that, I have a long to do list and the day is getting away from me. Enough ruminating for now.