I feel better today and considering that I got no more sleep last night, that is a good thing. I think I have been going through the grief process and I am finally at the acceptance phase.

He does loves me, I do know that. And he has to work. He is trying to build a photography business. He is trying to survive. There isn’t much time for chats, adventures and us. There just isn’t right now and I can’t change that. If I support him, then I have to accept that.

Part of me feels like I fought so hard to actually end up with less. But I think the universe wasn’t going to let us off the hook of working on our marriage so easily. It was hard to return to the old dynamic though – he never needed me like that and so for once we were in my realm and I was comfortable there. But he is better and that is really what is best. And so now we make space to work on the old crap – can’t ignore it forever.

“If you want more love, why don’t you say so? Just say so.”

{“Heartbreak Warfare” – John Mayer}

That line stops me dead in my tracks. This evening my friend sends me a link to this article that recommends, “Ask for love when you need it.”

Really? Is it just that easy? To do that means you have a good bit of of trust in a person. Because to ask for that makes one very vulnerable and you have to trust that whomever you ask will grant your request. It seems like such a foreign idea though my kids do it all the time and it seems to work for them…

Did I mention I have trust issues? *sigh*

Innovate
The other things that plagues my head these days is my decision to homeschool. The school part is cake for me – really, not intimidated there. It is more the “not working” element. And I don’t know how long I intend to homeschool – it may only be a few years. It is hard to see my husband stress so much and I feel guilty being here. I never wanted this for us – I never wanted one of us to have to responsible for it all. We were supposed to share this burden so neither of us would feel stuck.

I know that overall we are better off with me home right now and truth be told, I love it and I am good at it. But I grew up where suffering was way more respected. And if I am not slogging right there with him, then I need to expect very little from him because be provides for us. Oh these tapes in my head!!

But today I was talking to the director at my part-time job and the word innovate came to me. Why does it have to be one way or the other? I can find a way to do it all and not kill myself. That if I am smart, I can find the opportunity that will allow for both. I may not be bringing in that much, but at least a little extra.

So much change – I hate chage…oh, but I love to change everything and everyone else. I am strange, I know. I don’t know – that thought brought some levity….

Off to work..and finish knitting me some wrist warmers!

Tired…always tired. Perfect storms find me somehow. I never seek to create them. And so it has been with the last month and a half. Life combined with more life and very little sleep. So much going on, I feel like I haven’t stood still in a month! And so it was Monday that I found myself completely empty. I have hibernated as much as I can to refuel and to put my energy into what has been shoved to the side lately. Trying to get sleep, but I don’t always have control over that one.

Life is so incredibly strange right now. Hubby works all the time and when not he focuses on photography shows, his website, reading and listening to new music. There just isn’t a lot of room for me in his interests.

My head jumps back and forth between the past and the future. I feel stuck and am questioning this place I am in. I am an adventurer stuck at home. I feel like I am a cliche.

One of these days the sky’s gonna break and everything will escape and I’ll know
One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they’ll know
That you and I were made for this
I was made to taste your kiss
We were made to never fall away
Never fall away

{Civil Twlight – “Letters from the Sky”}

I spent the better part of 2008 and 2009 fighting, determined to get my family to a better place refusing to let the one I love the most drown. And now that we are on dry land, I am so disappointed with the place where we landed.

It won’t be this way forever, but for how long? I am tired of fighting..and at this point I don’t even know who the demons are.

And so I sit here in the evenings by myself wondering what to do. We were always invinicible and yet I feel so far away and you are so consumed by your life. I am tired and needy and you are avoidant and doing your best. We each seem to reach out when the other’s back is turned. We just can’t seem to connect.

I have been spending time trying to understand me, trying to figure out my issues, trying to fix them, and that is tiring. Been trying to fix communication issues and figure out this place in my marriage. How to accept and try not to change and just deal.

This life – I just don’t know entirely what to do with it. I probably need to get more sleep before I even begin to ponder. It colors everything…mostly dark. But when things aren’t quite right, I want change – a shift.

There gets to a point though where I tire of trying to get it right, I tire of always having to ask for what I need and want from the world, or just shoving it down. I just want to be found in the dark crying…..and held and loved for every wonderful thing that I am and even for all those things I am not. I just want to matter to someone.

But I think my journey is about learning to trust. Learning to believe that those who say they love me do even when the connection is fuzzy or non-existent or infrequent. Trusting that it is not my gestures that draw them to me, but who I am. Trusting that when I am not at my best, they won’t run. Trusting that when there is no need, that I am not going to be discarded.

And so in this place where I feel so much need, I have to talk myself down. There is no gesture that can fix this – I have to trust. And so I get back to fundamentals – sleep, excersise and putting me first for a while. I will get myself back to a better headspace.

I will not react, but just be quiet. I seem to always say too much. I am practicing holding my toungue. I have to be patient and breathe and wait and trust. Because this all will shift, it always does.

This is me lately – in constant motion. Waiting for a friend to come over to discuss a project, I was just walking around the house. Not enough time to sink into anthing, so what should I do. Maybe it was the caffeine, but I just couldn’t sit still – a huge problem lately. And so I put on my jacket, hat and gloves and went outside and laid in the grass on that sunny afternoon.

And once I was there, I couldn’t move. I sank into the ground and let the sun recharge me. I admired the trees I have loved all winter and looked at the blue sky. My mind quieted. I need to remember this and do it way more often.

I am so flooded with emotions these days that are intense, but meaningless. There is no reason for them, but they come. I am learning to just ignore them. I listen to whatever music will let that emotion play out in my head: anger, rebellion, giddy, lost, weary, sad, elated, depressed…..it helps. I am learning to not attach my emotions to anything or anyone in particular. Nevertheless, processing through wears me out.

I operate on a currency of emotion and often these days I think it sucks. Nothing is stable in my world everything is fleeting. Up, down and all around.

All my friends are figuring out school – I know at least for now, I am homeschooling – there I said it. The schooling itself will be cake for this daughter of an elementary school teacher – it is more the going against the grain that freaks me out. Will I crave more freedom? What am I going to do – I want to go back to work at some point, but doing what and what will I get paid since I have been at home? I am pretty damn smart and creative…. Seeing my husband work and stress all the times makes me feel so guilty. Everything is so uncertain.

I don’t know – I feel lonely, but I always feel this way…always. Connections never feel permanent, but for the moment. I feel misunderstood or perhaps like no one knows me. Course some days I don’t know who I am either. Hubby says I always take solice in this notion, so be it then. I am married to someone with an avoidant/dismissive attachment type – I am the opposite, preoccupied/ambivalent and require strong connections. It is all baggage I guess. He provides me a strong foundation upon which I can rely always – but there is another side there. And perhaps I am learning more and more how it is ME who has to be there for me….be my own best friend. I need to remind myself that really it is all fine, I am okay, everything is okay.

“self-talk” is a good coping strategy for my type and I do it a lot. And perhaps this blog is part of that – I can talk to myself and work it out. So many of these emotions are fleeting – it is all weather. And if I breathe, don’t put to much stock it in, it will pass.

And with this constant churn of emotion, I need a lot of nrecharge….and really outside is the only place i can get it. I think I rely too much on people being an extrovert, but then I exhaust people – it is like I suck out their energy. Nature is the only place big enough to absorb it all – I can dump it all there feeling no guilt and then simply feel light and free.

This week is going to be hard because I am working on a really special project for a friend. It will take a lot out of me to complete it…and I have a feeling that it will require a few late nights, so the sleep deprivation won’t be fun. But the end result, will be worth it….it always is.

And I expect next week, you will find me lying in the grass quite a bit recharging, basking in the accomplishment of the week before and trying to shake off all the emotion that is weighing me down. Just being okay in my world and enjoying the company of the trees.

Ah, the three of us are best when together. Mom told me that she was meeting with Bryan today to review things for her knee replacement surgery tomorrow. I told her I wanted to come to so I could get the details and ask questions…and because that is the best dynamic.

It works out well – my Mom is the heavy freaking out about well, everything. Bryan and I sit there making inappropriate jokes and barbs to cut through the tension and lighten the mood. It is so fun to watch my Mom want to remain serious or know she shouln’t laugh, but can’t help it. What can I say – Bryan and I are pretty damn funny together.

Mom was concerned that Bryan wasn’t absobring information, so I call him unreliable and tell Mom I have it covered. Bryan throws a barb at me about my inability to create a career for myself. Then Mom tells me that Bryan is the primary contact since he is more flexible, Bryan gloats.

Then Mom goes off about our Dad’s “Do Not Revive” directive telling us that if anything happens to him in the 2 hours she is under, to not go to herioics. I joke that she is just counting the days until she can get a condo in Boca Raton. Then she starts worrying that she is going to die on the table, so Bryan and I starts immediately divying up the estate starting with the TV.

We ebb and flow between sarcasm and keeping my Mom calm and focused on what is needed and not what is going to happen 5 weeks down the road when a friend wants to come visit her and will I take her. We try to reassure her that we’ve got it, it will all be okay.

This is us. This was all of us sitting in our living room with Chris until 2am waiting for my labor with Quinn to begin after my water broke. Going between my Mom freaking out that I wasn’t immediately going in to the hopital and my brother cracking jokes. It was one of my favorite parts of that birth story.

Shit is heavy. My brother is an incredible man who will apply lotion to his father’s feet and check his father’s backside to make sure it is clean. I get a “pass” on some of these harsher realities because I was the one who had children, he didn’t. It isn’t always fair to him as I think he ends up bearing more weight that he should have to…and so I am slowly trying to step up more.

Nevertheless, we crack jokes because what else can you do? Reality is what it is. It is how we survive and how we get through. I am ever thankful for him and that he is HERE. How many families live together in the same city these days? We are beyond lucky.

I can make jokes by myself, but when Bryan is around, they just come so easily and we crack each other up as the jokes sometimes fly over our Mom’s head. Sorry, Mom.

My two kids have been wrestling like crazy lately and having a great time. I smile. That is my brother and I right there.

Even though I know we drive my Mom nuts at times thinking that we just don’t get the gravity of the situation, I hope as we leave her house, she knows we have it covered….and we already know who is getting the TV. :-p

*sigh* This is me and I hate this part. It is a down cycle and it is me. Emotional me. I hate being predictable like that, but I am and it is that time. I am tired too. Had a good week, but today was wonky in every sense of the word. We just couldn’t find a rhythm and I couldn’t even figure out how to steer the boat.

And so of course at one point today, I just new we had to get outside..I needed to get out there. Sure it is cold, but it is sunny and beautiful otherwise. And so I am ready, I get Quinn ready and after telling Tyler several times to get ready he just stands there among his jacket, shoes and gloves. I have to go help him and I lose my temper. Why are you just standing there?!?!? I need to go, I need get out!!

I needed to get outside and he didn’t know how close I was to blowing. And in that one moment too long, I can’t take it. I need to go. So thunderstorm comes, and thunderstorm passes.

He is like me in so many ways. Blow hard, blow loud, but soon enough it is over and I am fine. His storms are the same way. Once it is over, he wants to reconnect and move on. We may chat about it later, but at that time, we just want to move on and away from that moment.

He told me today, “When you get angry, I feel like you don’t like me.” And so I try to explain how when I feel yucky, I am like a volcano and when they blow, they tend to get their hot, icky lava on everything around them. I don’t think he got it, but maybe one day it will make sense. Thankfully, I don’t blow that often, but still, it is something I need to work on.

These times suck – all the messages in my head suck. I could write many paragraphs about them, but why? This is weather that will pass. I need to cry and recognize that these feelings are here, but not react to them. They will pass soon enough. And thankfully, I need to work – always a good distraction.

So the last week everything has felt so labored. The only conclusion I can come to, especially since I am well rested at the moment, is that this is my cycle taking me out. Someone tell me how it is fair that after birthing two children, that cycles have an even stronger (read:negative) impact on my body? Come on Mother Earth – cut me some slack?

So I have no energy these days…I have been here too much lately – this no energy place. I don’t know why I am back to the place of extremes, either so up or so down. I kind of thought after so long, I had finally found my middle ground.

I am trying to take greater notice of my patterns as a friend advised. Down times will come and I just need to brace myself, know they will pass and not get swept up in the emotion. Nevertheless, I find it frustrating that I feel like lately I can’t get back on top of things.

And so after dinner last night we were waiting for Daddy to get home from a late meeting. It was raining and the kids wanted to go outside. I opened the garage door and out they went. I opened up the back of the minivan and laid down sideways looking out.

For five minutes I found my breath. I listened to the wonderful rain pouring down on the garden. I noticed the bright sheen on the driveway created by the rain and my neighbor’s outdoor lights. I watched the little stream running down the side of the street. I watched the rain fall off my neighbor’s eaves. And in that five minutes I found much peace. Whatever this was, I was going to be alright. I took many more breaths and just took in the moment.

Of course, I finally got up to see what the kids were doing. And here is what i found – the two kids hauling the inflatable ghost over to me in the rain to show me something. Those two crack me up sometimes….they are such nuts!

Strange weekend. Daddy will be home around 10pm from Dallas and I feel like today is Friday..only tomorrow is Monday. But I made it through the weekend and at this very moment, I feel better – my head feels lighter so maybe I am getting to the other side of my cold.

I need to again reiterate how glad I am that we saw a therapist about the kids. Last night and tonight were seriously dreamy. And it wasn’t that there wasn’t a protest or Tyler didn’t get out of bed – it is how the kids and I react to each other. Does that make any sense?

I can tell that they are feeling the love from me and so they don’t protest as strongly or are willing to give and take more because I do. It just feels good. I don’t feel like evil Mom, I feel like loving Mom. Hell, kind of like Mary Poppins, “I am firm, but never [well, mostly never] cross.” But to see the changes in them the last three days – it has been incredible. And on a weekend that I am sick and would be flying solo, well, there just couldn’t have been better timing.

Tomorrow is Monday and while that will be another long day in the house, I think I can pull it off. I am going to cross my fingers very tightly that Quinn and I wake up with few or no symptoms and Tyler remains healthy. I was worried this morning, but no illness came to him during the day.

I would really like to hit Tuesday and get back to routine – them to school and I can get my hair done. I don’t want to reschedule things, just get back on the train and keep moving. We will see what life serves up…fingers crossed.

And so another week begins. Oh, and just for those keeping score at home – I went to the store on Friday and planned a great menu for the week! Second week in a row, so I am back on track. I told Chris this is how I know that even though I have a cold – I am still doing okay. The menu barometer – it never lies…. :-p