More Ruminating
I feel better today and considering that I got no more sleep last night, that is a good thing. I think I have been going through the grief process and I am finally at the acceptance phase.
He does loves me, I do know that. And he has to work. He is trying to build a photography business. He is trying to survive. There isn’t much time for chats, adventures and us. There just isn’t right now and I can’t change that. If I support him, then I have to accept that.
Part of me feels like I fought so hard to actually end up with less. But I think the universe wasn’t going to let us off the hook of working on our marriage so easily. It was hard to return to the old dynamic though – he never needed me like that and so for once we were in my realm and I was comfortable there. But he is better and that is really what is best. And so now we make space to work on the old crap – can’t ignore it forever.
“If you want more love, why don’t you say so? Just say so.”
{“Heartbreak Warfare” – John Mayer}
That line stops me dead in my tracks. This evening my friend sends me a link to this article that recommends, “Ask for love when you need it.”
Really? Is it just that easy? To do that means you have a good bit of of trust in a person. Because to ask for that makes one very vulnerable and you have to trust that whomever you ask will grant your request. It seems like such a foreign idea though my kids do it all the time and it seems to work for them…
Did I mention I have trust issues? *sigh*
Innovate
The other things that plagues my head these days is my decision to homeschool. The school part is cake for me – really, not intimidated there. It is more the “not working” element. And I don’t know how long I intend to homeschool – it may only be a few years. It is hard to see my husband stress so much and I feel guilty being here. I never wanted this for us – I never wanted one of us to have to responsible for it all. We were supposed to share this burden so neither of us would feel stuck.
I know that overall we are better off with me home right now and truth be told, I love it and I am good at it. But I grew up where suffering was way more respected. And if I am not slogging right there with him, then I need to expect very little from him because be provides for us. Oh these tapes in my head!!
But today I was talking to the director at my part-time job and the word innovate came to me. Why does it have to be one way or the other? I can find a way to do it all and not kill myself. That if I am smart, I can find the opportunity that will allow for both. I may not be bringing in that much, but at least a little extra.
So much change – I hate chage…oh, but I love to change everything and everyone else. I am strange, I know. I don’t know – that thought brought some levity….
Off to work..and finish knitting me some wrist warmers!
Posted in Sleep (or lack thereof), The Hard Days, Thoughts/Humor |
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