I remember this Friday being exhausted. Many nights of poor sleep and I was just hanging on. And so I was thankful for a moment to sit down and relax with Pop and quiet moments experimenting with new art mediums.

Later that evening, I had a most wonderful and needed night with friends. It was good to be out in the world and find my bliss for a few hours.

Our View	Glue Art on wet sand
A most beautiful sunset before a wonderful night out with friends	Pure, much-needed escapism

It is amazing. For the past 4 weeks I have been doing a pretty good job of getting the rest I need and working out and it is amazing how good I feel. I didn’t need coffee, had a clear head, more energy and a positive outlook.

Fast forward to a few days of craziness, a kid up for a while last night and some late nights and what a difference it makes. I haven’t gotten to the gym this week, am drinking caffeine trying to get my brain alert, and feel so unmotivated and hopeless.

I read something that said lack of sleep can lead to depression. Um, yeah. I mean if you feel like this all the time how could one not be depressed? I know that this is all lack of sleep though, so today is gently putting one foot in front of the other and conserving energy where possible. Tonight I will have my butt in bed early and will try to get back to that good schedule I had been on.

Yesterday upon telling my kids I loved them, Tyler replied with something like, “I don’t always think you do.” Basically alluding that I am angry all the time. I can’t tell you how shitty I felt hearing that. Of course, he is 5 and a half and so I have to be weary of how much weight I put on that. But still, it made me sad.

I don’t really know what to do about that except to continue to take care of myself so I can be my best self and the best parent I can be. *sigh* One foot in front of the other, right?

I feel a bit embarrassed. My blog is an excellent tool to clear my head. I am quite visual and reading my words 20 times helps me figure things out. Of course it is published to FB, so when I note that things are bad, people are going to check in (and I appreciate that).

I am doing much better today. Spent 1.5 hours at the gym. Very, very good for me.

I am coming to the end of a long road which is a very good thing, but it also means the end of a way of operating. I have had ups and downs during this time, but now, finally, I can be tired and admit just how frickin’ strung out I am. The breaking point was about 3 weeks ago when I had nothing I had to do in the evening and didn’t know what to do with myself because I didn’t do anything for fun. Everything was a project, a purpose, a need – I could not stop, the time had to be filled with something.

Everything is slowly balancing out – hubby is better, Mom is walking, driving and now moved. My Dad has been elevated to the next level of care at his dementia home which is a good thing. Save for the scare that my grandmother died yesterday (someone in my family did, but an older relative mixed up who it was), things are calming down. I am shedding commitments which is such a relief to me.

At the same time, I am accepting that not everything will get easier and I still have a lot of weight to hold. I emailed a friend yesterday talking about how I sometimes just need to throw a tantrum about being “the strong one”.

It only reinforces that I am older and can’t do things like I used to. I imagine the universe feels I have not done a satisfactory job of learning to take care of myself, so it continues to provide opportunities for me to practice that.

The better job I do taking care of myself, the less dramatic these highs and lows will seem and the more I can hang in when life does get heavy. I will get the rest I need. I have gotten loads of good advice on that topic. I am going to start with exercise and music for the next few days which I have’t done consistently in ages. And I will probably return to sleeping upstairs for a few days. If those don’t help, I will delve into the wealth of advice I have received.

Thank you for listening. Sometimes it just feels good to put all my crap out there rather than sit with it.

Am I depressed? Is it sleep deprivation because I just can’t seem to get any? Am I low on some vitamin? Am I burned out? Am I just an old fart? It is that I am too emotional and so I just tend to end up here time to time? Is it that I don’t take care of myself? Is this a mid-life crisis?

I assume it is a bit of yes to all of the above. Who knows. Last night was a mix of pity party and beating myself up. Sad I am here and blaming myself for being here. Today it was more anger at once again digging myself out when I would rather just give up.

But I am not built like that. I will do what I need to do to get myself to a better place though I am kind of sick of landing here. It seems a little different each time. Maybe I have just been depressed for a while, but it just seems to flare every so often?

Or maybe it is just the icky ebb and flow of life. The biggest bummer is just that being tired makes me a crappy Mom.

All I know is that I don’t feel very wise at the moment and feel like a bit of a fake. And in this moment, I feel very indifferent which is refreshing. No emotion is so much easier than being flooded with them.

I have had some good distraction though. Who knows. I’m tired, but I always am and that seems to be at the heart of the problem.

I feel better today and considering that I got no more sleep last night, that is a good thing. I think I have been going through the grief process and I am finally at the acceptance phase.

He does loves me, I do know that. And he has to work. He is trying to build a photography business. He is trying to survive. There isn’t much time for chats, adventures and us. There just isn’t right now and I can’t change that. If I support him, then I have to accept that.

Part of me feels like I fought so hard to actually end up with less. But I think the universe wasn’t going to let us off the hook of working on our marriage so easily. It was hard to return to the old dynamic though – he never needed me like that and so for once we were in my realm and I was comfortable there. But he is better and that is really what is best. And so now we make space to work on the old crap – can’t ignore it forever.

“If you want more love, why don’t you say so? Just say so.”

{“Heartbreak Warfare” – John Mayer}

That line stops me dead in my tracks. This evening my friend sends me a link to this article that recommends, “Ask for love when you need it.”

Really? Is it just that easy? To do that means you have a good bit of of trust in a person. Because to ask for that makes one very vulnerable and you have to trust that whomever you ask will grant your request. It seems like such a foreign idea though my kids do it all the time and it seems to work for them…

Did I mention I have trust issues? *sigh*

Innovate
The other things that plagues my head these days is my decision to homeschool. The school part is cake for me – really, not intimidated there. It is more the “not working” element. And I don’t know how long I intend to homeschool – it may only be a few years. It is hard to see my husband stress so much and I feel guilty being here. I never wanted this for us – I never wanted one of us to have to responsible for it all. We were supposed to share this burden so neither of us would feel stuck.

I know that overall we are better off with me home right now and truth be told, I love it and I am good at it. But I grew up where suffering was way more respected. And if I am not slogging right there with him, then I need to expect very little from him because be provides for us. Oh these tapes in my head!!

But today I was talking to the director at my part-time job and the word innovate came to me. Why does it have to be one way or the other? I can find a way to do it all and not kill myself. That if I am smart, I can find the opportunity that will allow for both. I may not be bringing in that much, but at least a little extra.

So much change – I hate chage…oh, but I love to change everything and everyone else. I am strange, I know. I don’t know – that thought brought some levity….

Off to work..and finish knitting me some wrist warmers!

Tired…always tired. Perfect storms find me somehow. I never seek to create them. And so it has been with the last month and a half. Life combined with more life and very little sleep. So much going on, I feel like I haven’t stood still in a month! And so it was Monday that I found myself completely empty. I have hibernated as much as I can to refuel and to put my energy into what has been shoved to the side lately. Trying to get sleep, but I don’t always have control over that one.

Life is so incredibly strange right now. Hubby works all the time and when not he focuses on photography shows, his website, reading and listening to new music. There just isn’t a lot of room for me in his interests.

My head jumps back and forth between the past and the future. I feel stuck and am questioning this place I am in. I am an adventurer stuck at home. I feel like I am a cliche.

One of these days the sky’s gonna break and everything will escape and I’ll know
One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they’ll know
That you and I were made for this
I was made to taste your kiss
We were made to never fall away
Never fall away

{Civil Twlight – “Letters from the Sky”}

I spent the better part of 2008 and 2009 fighting, determined to get my family to a better place refusing to let the one I love the most drown. And now that we are on dry land, I am so disappointed with the place where we landed.

It won’t be this way forever, but for how long? I am tired of fighting..and at this point I don’t even know who the demons are.

And so I sit here in the evenings by myself wondering what to do. We were always invinicible and yet I feel so far away and you are so consumed by your life. I am tired and needy and you are avoidant and doing your best. We each seem to reach out when the other’s back is turned. We just can’t seem to connect.

I have been spending time trying to understand me, trying to figure out my issues, trying to fix them, and that is tiring. Been trying to fix communication issues and figure out this place in my marriage. How to accept and try not to change and just deal.

This life – I just don’t know entirely what to do with it. I probably need to get more sleep before I even begin to ponder. It colors everything…mostly dark. But when things aren’t quite right, I want change – a shift.

There gets to a point though where I tire of trying to get it right, I tire of always having to ask for what I need and want from the world, or just shoving it down. I just want to be found in the dark crying…..and held and loved for every wonderful thing that I am and even for all those things I am not. I just want to matter to someone.

But I think my journey is about learning to trust. Learning to believe that those who say they love me do even when the connection is fuzzy or non-existent or infrequent. Trusting that it is not my gestures that draw them to me, but who I am. Trusting that when I am not at my best, they won’t run. Trusting that when there is no need, that I am not going to be discarded.

And so in this place where I feel so much need, I have to talk myself down. There is no gesture that can fix this – I have to trust. And so I get back to fundamentals – sleep, excersise and putting me first for a while. I will get myself back to a better headspace.

I will not react, but just be quiet. I seem to always say too much. I am practicing holding my toungue. I have to be patient and breathe and wait and trust. Because this all will shift, it always does.

Sometimes it is the little things that break a camel’s back.   The hike class went quite well and everyone seemed very enchanted with Turkey Creek.  And of course, it was just what I needed to lift my spirits.  So home I go to get Quinn down for nap – which will be a short one.  We have to go to the grocery store early so we can watch a friend’s child in the afternoon.  I am working on quelling a headache in the back of my head.

And so I just need her down by 1:30pm so I can make my list.  And then Tyler enters the room at the beginning of nap to tell me he needs to go potty.  I am zen – you can do all that yourself, go ahead and close the door.  He returns again, “close the door.  go back to your room”.  Finally she is asleep – I feel her twitches that tell me she is gone.  I lift her up to take her to bed and in the middle of the transfer, light streams in as Tyler opens the door – he wakes her up.

Don’t mess with the nap – sacred rule around here.  And so I told him he would have to stay in his room because I didn’t want to see him right now and slammed the door as hard as I could.  Harsh response, but considering my state, a mild one.  Both kids are tired from a bad night and Quinn needed that rest.  I needed that break.

*sigh*

It is the little things that knock a Mama.  You can breathe through the big ones, usually it is something small and unexpected that blow it all to hell.   But I am okay.  Of course, Quinn had to go find Tyler, but as long as they play quietly, I will be fine.  I need some advil.

I will not be broken.   I feel the earth shifting beneath me, but the survivalist in me refuses to let myself fall, refuses to be weak, refuses to give in.   I will figure it out.  I am on an island I realize.  Because it is really hard to lean on mamas who also have their own children, lives and stresses and challenges.  It is difficult to ask them to put all that aside just because I am having a bad day.   Hubby’s needs are so high right now, I can’t ask him to deal with my whining – he needs me to be strong and stable.

And so it feels weird because I think the healthy thing is to lean on others, but right now, it seems that the best response is to learn to be my own best friend. And for someone like myself who used to require so much affirmation from others and was a 100% extrovert  – it is a good lesson for me.  To learn to lean on me, to learn that I can talk myself down, I can pick myself up, I can find hope.  And I like that because then I never really feel alone.

Okay, I feel better.  Off too make my grocery list.   TGIF, people, TGIF.