This was Wednesday. It started with a beautiful golden sunrise. I had to capture the joy it brought me. Then it was off to the appointment, the wake up call. Um, yeah, you are not okay.

From there was scheduling an appointment for medicinal support because it was now clear I needed it. Then came this article. The mirror was held up to my face and I finally got it. This was something significant and now out of my control. This happens to other people and that I was not crazy nor was I a failure. I was 1 in 5 people who would go through a really difficult and dark time in their lives.





Creating with Quinn

I was in such a funk after that. And because I know I am in this place, I try extra hard to be present with the kids. And so this afternoon, Quinn was cutting out hearts she had just painted.

She was giving them to me to, “put them in the kitchen Mama so when you see them you smile.” And so I looked at them and thought about hanging them. Then I saw there were 4 hearts and thought “mobile!”

We had no straws, but then I thought “sticks!” – even better! To be fair, once I tied the first heart on the stick, Quinn was very happy with her “heart whacking stick”. I had to pause the project because it seemed we were on the creative outs. She liked what she had and off she went happily.

Later she was done playing with it and allowed to me move forward with the mobile. It made me so happy to do something simple and creative with her art. It came out so well. I hung it in the kitchen as she had originally instructed. It makes me smile.

Four hearts. Four of us. In this life, each on our own journey, but sharing the road together. Of course, she later told me she liked the “heart whacking sticks” better. My very honest four year-old.

Lady Gaga!!

Later that night, I was headed to see Lady Gaga!!! I know – talk about a day of highs and lows…. It was a crazy thing. I had expressed via Facebook that I was way bummed I wasn’t going. I had this notion I was too old to go, but realized that was crap. I need to spend more time being true to myself. Anyway, another friend concurred and we agreed we would see her next time around. Well the very next day, someone she knew was selling two tickets. Talk about being meant to be!!

How often does a person get a “do-over” on a regret? and in such a big way!?!?! Naturally I put on a wig, some fun make up and expressed myself. Madonna would be damn proud! Speaking of regrets – never saw her live…

The concert was truly amazing. Whatever you think of Lady Gaga, you cannot deny that she is talented. Her voice is incredible. In addition to rocking the piano, she played organ, stand up base and that guitar/keyboard instrument I can’t name (:-p). She’s a fantastic performer and really gives her all. It’s a complete show – sets, costumes, performance art, interaction with the audience. It was really a great experience – and to feel that much energy in an arena is so cool.

The best moment though was her piano rendition of “Born this Way”. Everytime I listen to this I get chills. It really is a beautiful song and sung this way is so very powerful. And to hear thousands of people sing the chorus – well, that is a moment that will elevate you. Simply spine tingling. And given this crazy-making place in which I find myself – the words below mean a great deal. An affirmation if you will. The video I took is below – you must watch and listen to it – I promise you’ll get chills too.

“There’s nothin wrong with lovin who you are”
She said, “’cause he made you perfect, babe”
“So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far,
Listen to me when I say”

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way
Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way

And if you got this far – just for fun, here is a panorama of the arena.

So I have been pushing on Chris for over a year to take guitar lessons. He needs to have a bit more fun with his life. Finally, thanks to a comment from a friend that he should get a new guitar, did it happen. Why? Because to my surprise – it was an electric guitar he wanted and we didn’t have one of those.

Isn’t it amazing how you can spend so many years with someone and still not know every detail there is to know?

So we did. Tyler also got drumsticks and a practice pad as we hope to put him in drum lessons when he turns 6 in a few months.

Daddy is loving his lessons and is loving practicing at night when he wants his mind on something else besides work.

And me – I am just happy…and starting to brush up on my piano skills. Though last I heard – I am the singer of our little family group because Quinn called dibs on the piano. Mmmmm….we are in trouble then. I could play the tambourine…..

So one evening two weeks ago, I was working on a website I am building for Blossom Family Center. I figure I might as well give the new Coldplay a listen. I was immediately captivated. I don’t know if it was my recent mood or what but I immediately connected to the music. I usually don’t embrace a full album right away. Within a day I wanted the music on my iPod and by the next day I remember hearing they were coming for a concert.

Three days after I first heard the album, I told Chris, “I really want to hear this album live, I want to go see Coldplay.” Sure enough they were coming in November, but only to Dallas or Houston.” And you know what, we were fine with that!

Here is the weird thing – I am not a massive Coldplay fan. I like their music, but it isn’t like I would travel to go see them. But somehow this music sonically grabbed me – and if you have heard this album, well, it was built for an arena. You want to be completely drowned in it to fully experience it. Chris did get to see Colplay at ACL and really enjoyed their show. And he is quite the music snob, so to be blown away by a band says a lot. So I thought – what the hell? The kids will be old enough..why not have a couple excursion?

The Dallas tickets had already gone on sale, but we lucked out that the Houston ones were going on sale that weekend. Chris snagged us floor seats and so off to Houston we go. The full plan is to drive down, have dinner at one of our old haunts, see the concert, stay at a hotel overnight and head back the next morning…without the kids of course.

We are so excited and have been acting like giddy teenagers since the whole plan came together.  Too bad we have to wait until November!!  :-p I think it is what we needed. Sometimes we get so lost in parenting and our lives as they are now. It is nice to carve out places where we can connect to the people we left behind the day Tyler was born. It is nice to realize they are still there and as the kids age, we will have more opportunities to be those people from time to time. To shed the weight and responsibility for a little while…

John Mayer’s “Heavier Things”. If you have it, give it a listen. I LOVE THIS album. It is so cohesive and somehow is so fitting for times where you feel that you are wandering. Listening to him, I hear him searching for purpose just like me. It is a haunting and seductive listen if you ask me.

One of my favorite lines from, “Something’s Missing”:

“I can’t be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design”.

How many times are we just lost in the drama conjured up in our own heads??”

Another from “Bigger Than My Body”:

“Someday I’ll fly
Someday I’ll soar
Someday I’ll be so damn much more
Cause I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for.”

That song is my song. I sit here so many times feeling like I feel short. Wondering when, when will I find the right place where all my strengths and talents will be utilized. I love my job as a Mom and know that this is where I am meant to be in my life. But when I look to the future, I wonder, when will I be so damn much more? Surely, the universe has intentions to use me more. I mean I am sitting here blessed and aching to give back, to make a difference.

Anyway, the whole tone of this album resonates with me. My only fast forward songs are “Daughers” believe it or not. The lyrics are sweet, but the song itself just doesn’t resonate with me.