Somewhere deep inside me lies an artist. She is still searching for the medium and the tools, but she is getting close. I see pictures in my head all of the time, I feel the urge to make things, but I don’t always know how.

While life has been heavy, the urge has been stronger than ever to express myself. The primary way I do it now is with words and occasional photography. However, I feel that my words are clumsy and get in the way of my thoughts. My pictures capture what I see, but they don’t always communicate the feeling nor what is conjured up in my mind’s eye in reaction to the scene in front of me.

I have my eye on some art classes at Laguna Gloria. I want to learn to work with acrylic paint, mixed media techniques, collage, and book binding. Oftentimes, I will use the desire to make something for someone else as a reason to create.

But I want to let go of my practicality and give myself permission to create just for the sake of doing so. Or as a friend relayed recently, “for the experience of doing so”. For the release I will experience in taking all that is inside me and arranging into a piece of art.

And wouldn’t it be funny if a big part of this journey right now was to lead me this place where I realize that the missing piece in the way I process and experience life is what I create. And maybe that is some of the void.

And perhaps I am totally off-base. But I need to take a leap to find out. So some classes or mentoring are in order. I like the idea of creating just for me. I watched this beautiful video the other day and this quote stood out to me:

‎”Art is a way to set free whatever it is I can’t explain in words.” ~ Misty Mawn

Yes. I see all around me how when life gets hard, what gets dropped first are the things that bring us joy, that keep us grounded, that remind us who we are. Fun is free and is something we have control over. Even with some crayons, paper and glue – amazing collages can be made.

The trick is to really grasp at what we have control over and how to keep balance. We don’t have to be tossing water out of the boat every single second. Which leads into my next post…..how to let go of control (which we don’t have anyway..). But first, I think some painting is in order….

I thought I was fine. And I suppose I was for a while. It is amazing what can happen to a person on a dark journey. I thought I was simply a partner, a witness, a supporter. At some point, though, it became my journey too.

I thought I was fine, but it turns out I was simply coping incredibly well. And now I look back and I see how these things had always been churning. It is funny how well we can dance around our demons when life is going well. Or we get bogged down by them from time to time, but are able to shake them loose. But put together a perfect storm, and they will finally pull our asses under.

And so we are now mired in more therapy I care to admit. Can I just say that sanity is expensive? Don’t get me started on income inequality and how more people need access to mental health care….

And so I feel like I am on an elevator going up all the floors of a tall building. The basement was December/January and that sucked. Floor one was hard. Next stop: floor two. And so it goes and I dissect these things that drag me down and find a way to cope with what is.

This process of poke wound, hurt, figure out what is it all about, try to heal it. This process of feeling better until the next wound is hard. This cycle of being at 30,000 feet above my life and then right back in my life. This repeat of clarity to confusion and back.

And now I am way sleep deprived. I get so deep in these places I can’t remember when it was fine. People say it will get better and this is a hard time for us. And I find that so profound, because I think I came to believe that life would always feel like this. That this is being an adult and I just need to learn how to deal with it.

I know there are so many important lessons to be learned right now. And I am trying so hard to glean every bit of knowledge I can from this time. But it also brings me comfort to know that life won’t always be this heavy. That joy will be easier. It won’t be something we will we have to fight so hard for.

I so wonder how my kids will remember this time. Will is be the time we were always stressed? We were always angry? We were sad? We weren’t really present with them? Or will it be a blip? It is so strange to be figuring out my life and the same time that theirs is being shaped.

It blows my mind now to think of what my parents were holding during my childhood. We carry these burdens that our children are in no way capable of comprehending. And we do our best to contain our suffering so that our children do not have to bear any of it. And if we don’t have the people in our lives to help and support us, to love us – we risk imploding because of all that we have stuffed inside us.

This crazy, hard, beautiful life. There is really no conclusion here. It is all a journey. Right now, I am trying to find more ways to bring comfort and joy into my life..and sleep. I am looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. And I hope to stay out of tunnels for a while. I am pooped.