1. Bryan joining us at Dad’s potluck

Caregiving is hard enough by yourself. Being a Mom, I know just how isolating it can be. And so I really enjoy times when Bryan or Mom join me with Dad. Today we picked up Uncle Bryan from work and he went with us to Pop’s monthly potluck.

With my Mom out of commission, Bryan has become and excellent caregiver to my father – in fact, he has more instincts than I do. He brushes his teeth, puts lotion on him when his skin in dry, shaves him, takes him to the barbershop for haircuts.

And so when we are together, I take care of the kids and he cares for Dad. We tag team really well and both try to engage Dad in conversation. I pounce on Bryan trying to have a quick adult conversation in whatever minutes are available between the kids needing to tell him something in the car. God, he must feel so overwhelmed with the 3 of us! We are all excited to see him. He and I share a lot of laughter – it is an awesome way to cope! I am so grateful he lives here.

2. Continued work on projects!

Continued work on the farm rug and Tyler’s art album. Almost done with both and excited about the completion of both these projects.

3. Family Time at one of our zen spots!

Daddy is heading out of town tomorrow, so a little family time was in order tonight. We headed to one of our zen spots with some P Terry’s in hand ready to play in the fountains. Sadly they weren’t working, so plan B involved playing ball, frisbee, exploring, and watching some BMX bikers do their tricks. It was hot, but we hung in and had a really good time. That place just has a really good vibe.

4. The golden light before sunset.

I love watching the world bathed in that amazing light as the sun begins its decent. The shadows grow long and everything becomes golden. Being the wife of a photographer, I am even more sensitive to just how good it is. And when I have my little point and shoot in my hands, I can’t help but want to capture it and take a little of its goodness home with me.

As we left, I noticed that we were pretty much the only people there. I loved that feeling of being in this magical place almost as it if was our secret. It was hard to leave, but everyone was tired and it was time.

I will be flying solo for the next 7 days, so hoping this little project here will get me through!

The morning unfolded in a completely different way than I thought it would, so by 11am, I found myself with 3 hours on my hands! And while I had ideas about what I wanted to do with that time, the universe had a better idea for me.

1. Go to the Gym!

And that was to take my ass to the gym! I LOVE working out – always have. It is so very good for me and important for my energy and mood. Some people response well to massage, my body responds so well to exercise, physicality and movement. Excercise is my emotional regulator and I find that my highs and lows are worse without it.

I took an express class and was briefly chatting with the instructor about how kids/life was really putting a damper on my getting to the gym. She said, “You know, you have to give energy to get energy.”

And that was my nugget for today. It was so true. And for so long I have been giving my energy to things that give me none. And that explains why I got to this place where I am drained, empty and generally feeling like total crap.

I had a great burst of energy today after hitting the gym. It felt so good. I HAVE to make that happen on a regular basis. There is no option – it MUST be a priority for me.

2. Take a relaxing shower!

I had received a fancy Origins bath kit for my birthday and so after the gym, I took a shower using all my fancy goodies. It was lovely. Ya know, taking care of myself really feels good. Excercise + shower = one happy and energetic Mama!

3. Bake Goodies!

What do you do when you have no food in the house? I bake my favorite chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and maple syrup! Really, they are the perfect snack!

Other goodness that came my way today:

– a goodbye ceremony where I work part-time. We are leaving the space we leased and our future is going to certainly be different as we decide what we are going to do going forward..and my role in all that may change or diminish significantly.

This has been one of the most amazing circle of woman I have been around. And today, everyone brought natural treasures and talked about the end of this particular journey. The director and I are very much alike and I have learned so much from her.

I am secretly terrified about what is next and the choices I have made. But for now, the desire to just be free of my obligations and simply enjoy life with my family is taking first priority. Though, I am sure when I am in a better place, the freaking out will commence.

– a trip to the yarn store. While the trip was for a specific skein of yarn, walking in there is so very good. Many crafts come and go for me, but knitting I think is here to stay.

Today was much, much better. It it is amazing what some sleep can do! Also there was much enjoyment today…well actually starting last night.

1. I am reading a book!!

I went to the library, put a few books on hold and came home with this one that was recommended to me. I am really enjoying it so far. It is nice because usually at night, Chris wants to come to bed and read for 20 minutes while I want him to just turn off the light. I usually whine and get quite annoyed.

Last night we both laid next to each other reading our books. And when we agreed it was time to go to bed, I handed him my book and he stacked it with his on the nightstand. His and hers books together on this nightstand….as it should be. He is happier and I am finding a much nicer way to end my days then attached to the computer.

2. Dance!
My talented friend, Meredith Winn, wrote on her blog about sharing your passions with your children.

I read that whole post and began to think about how my children must view me. How focused I am on what needs to get done, how the to-do list rules my day and enjoyment is saved for when time and energy exist which isn’t often. She writes,

me being me at my innermost core makes him happy to be around me.

.
Wow. From my kids perspective I must be one of the most unfun people to be around. No time to sit and be silly, no time to have fun, no time to sit and the table, no time to read. I am realizing that this project is about so much more than me. It is about bringing joy and laugher back into my home. She also says,

“get off your ass and dance.”

And so this morning, the kids and I did!

And how could you not? This song just demands you get up and move!!

After our dancing, we moved into the kitchen to make bread. While it was rising, I pulled out a project that has been waiting for me since Tyler turned 5.

3. Start projects I have been wanting to start!
I had bought an album for all of his art I had kept from his first 5 years. I thought it would be neat momento of his drawing journey. Tyler had a good time looking through a few of his older drawings, and then both kids were motivated to create more art to be kept for future albums!

3. Support the kids in their passions
(and I am a sucker for any passion that involves the kitchen and food!)

And you know, with my being well rested and seeking to do dthe things I enjoy, I find that I am more open to give the kids the space to do the things that they enjoy. And so it was that Tyler created a new bread recipe on his own today. I must say that while it had a strong combination of flavors, it was bread and he was the master chef behind the whole thing!

We titled the bread “Molasses Parsley Pesto Cinnamon Bread”. Ingredients included the ones mentioned as well as whole wheat flour, water, basil…at least those are the ones I observed.

Quinn was Tyler’s assistant and also happy to have time to play in the flour. She loves, loves playing in flour!

Before long, they were onto playdough.

5. Create art and even better creating art with the kids!

After dinner the kids were a bit restless, so we decided to do watercolors. I asked them if they wanted to create postcards? They loved this idea and kept asking for more paper! I sat down and created a few myself. Tyler decided that we needed to have a “Family Art Night” once a week and I agreed!

And so the day is near the end and I am pooped! But the day was very much enjoyed. I can walk around the house and have a smile on my face as I discover remnants of our day here and there.

And I am enjoying getting to know myself once again. What are my passions? What do I enjoy? As sad as it is to even have to inquire, at least I am on this journey. It will make for a happier, more fulfilled me and a much better mama for my children.

Today was seriously a total shit day. It never got better. My kids could do nothing right today and everything annoyed me. I am tired, I am spent.

I tried to have fun…upon picking the kids up from school we realized a bird had pooped on the car, so for fun, I suggested we go through a car wash. I loved to do that as a child and the kids had been wanting to go through one. So we did and it was fun! Clean car and 1/2 the bird poop was gone. :-p

1. Childhood Nostalgia – Go through a car wash

We got home, I had a plan. But the kids got silly and I just wasn’t in a good place for silly today. So things went downhill from there….I was the epitome of Mommy Dearest today – “No dumping the clothes out of the laundry hamper!!”, “No running fire truck into the legos”, “No laughing”. Reality TV will be knocking at my door any day now to profit from my insanity.

A poignant ending to my day is deciding that as soon as Chris got home, I was leaving for a half hour to decompress and getting a call 5 minutes later saying he is stuck at work and does not know when he is getting home. Oh absolutely, cue music….

“and everything blows up in your face.” Yup, sing in Alanis. Where was I?

The day started badly – and I kept trying to keep it positive – what will I enjoy today? *sigh* After Chris’ phone call, I hid in the office to play some Freecell, but ya know, I needed to get the kids to bed. So, we went on a errand for some necessities… red wine, chocolate and bubble bath.

2. Count these as the second thing I enjoyed today.

So far, that combination seems to be working. They are in bubbles and I am self-medicating. But geez, can’t they just be in the bathtub without needing anything?? Without both of them having to poo mid-bath. And why is my son requesting that my daughter pour bubbles into the toilet while he is on it? Am I the only Mom who really does not get her kids?? I just don’t get them sometimes – really, I am completely lost.

Hmmm…wine glass almost empty – I should go do something about that. So onto Day 3. Let’s hope some good sleep tonight and a good plan for tomorrow lead to a better day that can be more thoroughly enjoyed.

Aaaahhhh! Seriously – the morning was awful! Woke up late, kids cranky. My wanting a shower because I couldn’t remember when the last one was. Got shower and then had to convince Quinn she should go to school today. But kept thinking about how I would enjoy some of my morning. Trying to find brightside.

Got kids dropped off. Head to Hobby Lobby in search of cardstock for making postcards. Oops, they moved locations. Drove around for 20 minutes thinking I would figure it out. Fail. Head to friend’s house to get directions. Locate Hobby Lobby. Go to get credit card out of bag and it is not there. Nor is my debit card. They are at home which is 20 minutes up north.

Fine. I have no lunch anyway. I head home. I open the garage door and instead of pulling in on my side, I pull into the middle of the garage since I am just running in to get my money. Pull in quickly and hear a {crunch}. Oh shit! I ran over Tyler’s bike again. You see, yesterday he left his bike in not so great I spot and I ran over his bike seat. Thankfully, it is fine.

But today, today I ran into the tricycle and smushed the axel – the metal broke. It is quite dead I am afraid. Just yesterday the kids figured out hot to both ride it. It has been much loved in our family. Thank God Quinn’s b-day is coming up, but I do not know that she is ready for a big girl bike. I suck. This sucks.

And it is 10 am. So in one hour, I have managed to spend a lot of time and gas…and do nothing, but break my daughter’s beloved bike. *sigh*

This morning blew. Here is hoping the latter half of the day looks up….

You know, looking at all my photos, the day was really a pretty good one. I think that I did not eat enough though – my energy sagged in the latter half of the day. And then the end of the day met a family that was really spent and so bedtime was not at all peaceful. But you know – that is what tomorrow is for..live, learn and try it again.

1. Working farm rug. I am 2 weeks again from finishing this!! I have worked on it off and on for 2 years. Looking at it in the sunlight really made me smile.

2. Finishing weeding the front bed - it looks great! Many of our plants were lost with our cold winter, but a few survived. And while the garden is sparce, I am liking it. I haven’t the energy for big garden projects this year, so am enjoying the lovely (and hearty) plants that are flowering right now!

3. Enjoying my kids discoveries! Today we found a garden snake (which sadly I didn’t get a picture of) and the kids found these interesting eggs under a rock. So much goodness under rocks!

4. Finding a new zen spot! No water here, but shade and a massive rock that offers loads of creative play and natural goodness to discover. Downtown in my sights, a wide open field in which to sit, a great big sky and snacks to enjoy. Really, it doesn’t get much better.

And so that was Day 1! I am going to finish my tea, pull the quiche out of the oven and head to bed. Day 2 will start with a delicious homemade quiche waiting for us at the breakfast table! Woo-hoo!

It was at first to be 30 days of loafing, but lets be honest, shall we? That would be a complete and utter failure because of how I am wired. It is impossible for me to sit still and always has been. I remember being 4 years old and loathing rest time.

But I need a mission – something to build discipline. And so being that I am so burnt out, a good place to start is making sure I do at least one thing I enjoy every day. I have all these ideas in my head and in so many cases I need to “just do it”. There doesn’t need to be an elaborate plan. Every day – I need to enjoy life.

Tonight I am borrowing and idea from one of my dear friends – the joy of a warm cup of tea in a fancy tea cup. It makes me smile. Tomorrow and I am going to pay the fee on my library account so I can once again put books on hold and instead of ending the night on the computer, I will end it with tea and a book. Simply and wonderful.

I have no idea where this will take me and if I can even keep it up, but we will see. Onto more of today’s enjoyment……