This is me lately – in constant motion. Waiting for a friend to come over to discuss a project, I was just walking around the house. Not enough time to sink into anthing, so what should I do. Maybe it was the caffeine, but I just couldn’t sit still – a huge problem lately. And so I put on my jacket, hat and gloves and went outside and laid in the grass on that sunny afternoon.

And once I was there, I couldn’t move. I sank into the ground and let the sun recharge me. I admired the trees I have loved all winter and looked at the blue sky. My mind quieted. I need to remember this and do it way more often.

I am so flooded with emotions these days that are intense, but meaningless. There is no reason for them, but they come. I am learning to just ignore them. I listen to whatever music will let that emotion play out in my head: anger, rebellion, giddy, lost, weary, sad, elated, depressed…..it helps. I am learning to not attach my emotions to anything or anyone in particular. Nevertheless, processing through wears me out.

I operate on a currency of emotion and often these days I think it sucks. Nothing is stable in my world everything is fleeting. Up, down and all around.

All my friends are figuring out school – I know at least for now, I am homeschooling – there I said it. The schooling itself will be cake for this daughter of an elementary school teacher – it is more the going against the grain that freaks me out. Will I crave more freedom? What am I going to do – I want to go back to work at some point, but doing what and what will I get paid since I have been at home? I am pretty damn smart and creative…. Seeing my husband work and stress all the times makes me feel so guilty. Everything is so uncertain.

I don’t know – I feel lonely, but I always feel this way…always. Connections never feel permanent, but for the moment. I feel misunderstood or perhaps like no one knows me. Course some days I don’t know who I am either. Hubby says I always take solice in this notion, so be it then. I am married to someone with an avoidant/dismissive attachment type – I am the opposite, preoccupied/ambivalent and require strong connections. It is all baggage I guess. He provides me a strong foundation upon which I can rely always – but there is another side there. And perhaps I am learning more and more how it is ME who has to be there for me….be my own best friend. I need to remind myself that really it is all fine, I am okay, everything is okay.

“self-talk” is a good coping strategy for my type and I do it a lot. And perhaps this blog is part of that – I can talk to myself and work it out. So many of these emotions are fleeting – it is all weather. And if I breathe, don’t put to much stock it in, it will pass.

And with this constant churn of emotion, I need a lot of nrecharge….and really outside is the only place i can get it. I think I rely too much on people being an extrovert, but then I exhaust people – it is like I suck out their energy. Nature is the only place big enough to absorb it all – I can dump it all there feeling no guilt and then simply feel light and free.

This week is going to be hard because I am working on a really special project for a friend. It will take a lot out of me to complete it…and I have a feeling that it will require a few late nights, so the sleep deprivation won’t be fun. But the end result, will be worth it….it always is.

And I expect next week, you will find me lying in the grass quite a bit recharging, basking in the accomplishment of the week before and trying to shake off all the emotion that is weighing me down. Just being okay in my world and enjoying the company of the trees.