This is me lately – in constant motion. Waiting for a friend to come over to discuss a project, I was just walking around the house. Not enough time to sink into anthing, so what should I do. Maybe it was the caffeine, but I just couldn’t sit still – a huge problem lately. And so I put on my jacket, hat and gloves and went outside and laid in the grass on that sunny afternoon.

And once I was there, I couldn’t move. I sank into the ground and let the sun recharge me. I admired the trees I have loved all winter and looked at the blue sky. My mind quieted. I need to remember this and do it way more often.

I am so flooded with emotions these days that are intense, but meaningless. There is no reason for them, but they come. I am learning to just ignore them. I listen to whatever music will let that emotion play out in my head: anger, rebellion, giddy, lost, weary, sad, elated, depressed…..it helps. I am learning to not attach my emotions to anything or anyone in particular. Nevertheless, processing through wears me out.

I operate on a currency of emotion and often these days I think it sucks. Nothing is stable in my world everything is fleeting. Up, down and all around.

All my friends are figuring out school – I know at least for now, I am homeschooling – there I said it. The schooling itself will be cake for this daughter of an elementary school teacher – it is more the going against the grain that freaks me out. Will I crave more freedom? What am I going to do – I want to go back to work at some point, but doing what and what will I get paid since I have been at home? I am pretty damn smart and creative…. Seeing my husband work and stress all the times makes me feel so guilty. Everything is so uncertain.

I don’t know – I feel lonely, but I always feel this way…always. Connections never feel permanent, but for the moment. I feel misunderstood or perhaps like no one knows me. Course some days I don’t know who I am either. Hubby says I always take solice in this notion, so be it then. I am married to someone with an avoidant/dismissive attachment type – I am the opposite, preoccupied/ambivalent and require strong connections. It is all baggage I guess. He provides me a strong foundation upon which I can rely always – but there is another side there. And perhaps I am learning more and more how it is ME who has to be there for me….be my own best friend. I need to remind myself that really it is all fine, I am okay, everything is okay.

“self-talk” is a good coping strategy for my type and I do it a lot. And perhaps this blog is part of that – I can talk to myself and work it out. So many of these emotions are fleeting – it is all weather. And if I breathe, don’t put to much stock it in, it will pass.

And with this constant churn of emotion, I need a lot of nrecharge….and really outside is the only place i can get it. I think I rely too much on people being an extrovert, but then I exhaust people – it is like I suck out their energy. Nature is the only place big enough to absorb it all – I can dump it all there feeling no guilt and then simply feel light and free.

This week is going to be hard because I am working on a really special project for a friend. It will take a lot out of me to complete it…and I have a feeling that it will require a few late nights, so the sleep deprivation won’t be fun. But the end result, will be worth it….it always is.

And I expect next week, you will find me lying in the grass quite a bit recharging, basking in the accomplishment of the week before and trying to shake off all the emotion that is weighing me down. Just being okay in my world and enjoying the company of the trees.

Today the waters were quiet compared to the excitement and energy expended in the sun yesterday. For all the chaos that seems to be around me, it feels like we were following some natural rhythms today and that was nice. I love Wednesdays anyway. It is bread day and I love that anchor…

So each Sunday, our family would share a special meal and dessert together. The dessert being the exciting part because we don’t have that every night.

This particular night we had Tomato Fennel soup (Med Vegan cookbook) – simple and uber yummy. We paired that with a link of sausage, chard and some sourdough bread. Delish!

And the main event – homemade eggnog. Kicks the store-bough stuffs butt. And people – 4 ingredients, a hand mixer and 2 minutes. Heck – a whisk would work. Anyone can do this and you should..it is so good!

Well, I’m a lucky man
With fire in my hands

Happiness
Something in my own place
I’m standing naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am

Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am
— from “Lucky Man” by The Verve

Spent many beautiful hours out in wide open spaces soaking up the sun, admiring the trees, watching the clouds, and breathing. Much needed, much enjoyed.

Today was quiet, nice, productive, but not hectic. Really, credit goes to the kids who weren’t nuts today. I was pretty tired and with my Mom having her surgery today, well, I was thankful for that. And we did a craft project that actually went well!

We are making felt blocks for a friend’s baby. I taught Tyler the blanket stitch today and he totally got it. I was really proud of him. Also very proud of Quinn who nailed her little wrap stitch with a real needle. I really like sewing with the kids and need to do more.

Here is the layout for the day: stitch reminder, yarn, toilet paper for everyone’s runny nose (need to wash the hankerchiefs) and the phone in case there is news from my brother.

The kids and I did play some hide and seek this morning to burn energy. Can’t believe how long it took them to find me in their closet.

Visited my Mom tonight. I think she is doing rather well. She is way doped up which is good….hi, we just replaced your knee. I think back to how much pain Chris was in with his broken wrists. Bone pain seems to be brutal.

Bryan was still at the hospital when I was there doing all the hard work as usual. He helped my Mom through her nausea, got her comfortable and communicated with the hospital staff and called family. I showed her pics of Red River and then sent emails while she dozed.

Of course, one thing I have to post was my Mom going through her list from her hospital bed as I described to some friends:

Fun -sitting here as my Mom is telling me when to order flowers for my Grandmother’s birthday in a month and what colors everything should be…then she passes out. Then a few minutes later she comes too talking to me about getting the air in her tires filled to 35 pounds when I get the oil changed in her car. Totally cracking me up….

With that I should go to bed. Have not been getting good sleep. Quinn broke out with some terrible winter exzema…thank you olive oil is all I have to say about that.

Tomorrow another packed day, so I am signing off…

And so this is how I have decided to survive 2010 – have fun! I picked up a free mag at the store that had homemade donuts on the cover last week. What fun! Never done that. Sounded like a good weekend thing…and we should invite some friends to join in and so we did.

CRAZY week and leading up to that morning it was starting to feel like a bad idea. I was tired, cranky, annoyed with the kids….Chris woke up with a migraine 15 minute before friends and kids due to arrive.

But then our friends get here and suddenly all is right with the world. My girlfriends jump in the kitchen helping cook food and clean up, they listen to me ramble about future plans, and we laugh.. a lot. Oh, and the donuts were incredible. We made strawberry jam-filled, blueberry fam filled and plain rolled in cinnamon sugar. We have made plans to have a regular breakfast club every 4 to 6 weeks and just rotate houses. And so it begins.

Later that night, I hook up with another circle of friends, have many drinks and pizza and laugh for many hours. This is the medicine to a hard day, to a dismal outlook, to a down cycle. This is what needs to be peppered in regularly.

Last night I felt so very alone and bummed and so it was such a gift to have a day filled with so many wonderful (and hilarious) people. I am trying to make time for fun…and so far, so good! :-p

Ah, the three of us are best when together. Mom told me that she was meeting with Bryan today to review things for her knee replacement surgery tomorrow. I told her I wanted to come to so I could get the details and ask questions…and because that is the best dynamic.

It works out well – my Mom is the heavy freaking out about well, everything. Bryan and I sit there making inappropriate jokes and barbs to cut through the tension and lighten the mood. It is so fun to watch my Mom want to remain serious or know she shouln’t laugh, but can’t help it. What can I say – Bryan and I are pretty damn funny together.

Mom was concerned that Bryan wasn’t absobring information, so I call him unreliable and tell Mom I have it covered. Bryan throws a barb at me about my inability to create a career for myself. Then Mom tells me that Bryan is the primary contact since he is more flexible, Bryan gloats.

Then Mom goes off about our Dad’s “Do Not Revive” directive telling us that if anything happens to him in the 2 hours she is under, to not go to herioics. I joke that she is just counting the days until she can get a condo in Boca Raton. Then she starts worrying that she is going to die on the table, so Bryan and I starts immediately divying up the estate starting with the TV.

We ebb and flow between sarcasm and keeping my Mom calm and focused on what is needed and not what is going to happen 5 weeks down the road when a friend wants to come visit her and will I take her. We try to reassure her that we’ve got it, it will all be okay.

This is us. This was all of us sitting in our living room with Chris until 2am waiting for my labor with Quinn to begin after my water broke. Going between my Mom freaking out that I wasn’t immediately going in to the hopital and my brother cracking jokes. It was one of my favorite parts of that birth story.

Shit is heavy. My brother is an incredible man who will apply lotion to his father’s feet and check his father’s backside to make sure it is clean. I get a “pass” on some of these harsher realities because I was the one who had children, he didn’t. It isn’t always fair to him as I think he ends up bearing more weight that he should have to…and so I am slowly trying to step up more.

Nevertheless, we crack jokes because what else can you do? Reality is what it is. It is how we survive and how we get through. I am ever thankful for him and that he is HERE. How many families live together in the same city these days? We are beyond lucky.

I can make jokes by myself, but when Bryan is around, they just come so easily and we crack each other up as the jokes sometimes fly over our Mom’s head. Sorry, Mom.

My two kids have been wrestling like crazy lately and having a great time. I smile. That is my brother and I right there.

Even though I know we drive my Mom nuts at times thinking that we just don’t get the gravity of the situation, I hope as we leave her house, she knows we have it covered….and we already know who is getting the TV. :-p