So the last week everything has felt so labored. The only conclusion I can come to, especially since I am well rested at the moment, is that this is my cycle taking me out. Someone tell me how it is fair that after birthing two children, that cycles have an even stronger (read:negative) impact on my body? Come on Mother Earth – cut me some slack?

So I have no energy these days…I have been here too much lately – this no energy place. I don’t know why I am back to the place of extremes, either so up or so down. I kind of thought after so long, I had finally found my middle ground.

I am trying to take greater notice of my patterns as a friend advised. Down times will come and I just need to brace myself, know they will pass and not get swept up in the emotion. Nevertheless, I find it frustrating that I feel like lately I can’t get back on top of things.

And so after dinner last night we were waiting for Daddy to get home from a late meeting. It was raining and the kids wanted to go outside. I opened the garage door and out they went. I opened up the back of the minivan and laid down sideways looking out.

For five minutes I found my breath. I listened to the wonderful rain pouring down on the garden. I noticed the bright sheen on the driveway created by the rain and my neighbor’s outdoor lights. I watched the little stream running down the side of the street. I watched the rain fall off my neighbor’s eaves. And in that five minutes I found much peace. Whatever this was, I was going to be alright. I took many more breaths and just took in the moment.

Of course, I finally got up to see what the kids were doing. And here is what i found – the two kids hauling the inflatable ghost over to me in the rain to show me something. Those two crack me up sometimes….they are such nuts!

Really, they are. And they aren’t all the same, I am an open book with people, but I can have a facade. Mine is the tough captain who can handle it all, do it all, and be there whenever someone is needed. I am Superwoman and I am fine. Sure I have grumpy days, but you don’t worry about me. I have operated that way for the past few years. And perhaps life supported me in such a way that this facade was easy to keep up because it was mostly true. In the past year, it wasn’t as easy, but a captain was needed and I am great at playing that role. Lately I am allowing my vulnerability to show more….and I think I prefer the facade…I like that reality better.

The layers of onion peel away a bit and I find myself on unfamiliar ground and that can be a bit unsettling. I am feeling needy in a way that I haven’t in a while. A friend and I were talking about relationships…huh, new moon, wonder why? She was saying that I need at least one intense, close friendship with someone who is just like me. I casually wave that off – no, no, I like the kindred spirits who you don’t talk to for a few weeks and when you do it is like no time has passed.

Well, that is a line of crap from me. I realize that I am happiest when I have that one close friend who is my “partner in crime”. When you have a friend like that, there is little room for insecurity or uncertainty about the relationship. You talk almost every day; it is like a constant connection – you know where you stand and when anything happens you know who you will call. That person knows you so well that one comment can tell them just how you are doing. One statement can equal crisis. You scheme together. The awesome feeling of having that one person who knows you inside and out and really cares for you (and often times gets you better than your spouse). I haven’t had that in a while and there is a bit of a void in my life. I don’t think I understood just how much that has affected me until now.

I went through most of schooling (middle school, high school and college) with my brother at my side and usually one best friend. So it is new for me to be more independent and not have someone by my side for every step I take in life. And maybe that is what all this is about. And yes, my husband is there, but I think as we woman know – you still need friends.

What I have now is a disparate circle of people from various groups and who are all themselves very different. Some are more like me, some much less, but no one is in the same place or exactly like me. I don’t talk to everyone every day and sometimes weeks can go by before I see someone again.

I have found myself in a vulnerable place as I put myself out there as a friend not knowing where I stand with each person. Not knowing if they view me as a close friend like I view them. Not knowing if they want to be my close friend. In every relationship I give my all, I am an open book – that is just who I am – so new friendships can be scary. Then there are people I have crossed paths with and to whom I felt a strong connection. I need to follow-up with these people – they might a kindred spirit and a great friend that I am missing out on.

It feels like high school in some ways – “I want you to like me and by my friend” and I hate being insecure like that. It sounds so needy and I hate feeling that way. I am a very tough person – I don’t want to be weak. I spent years feeling insecure about myself and don’t want to go back there. And it is not like I feel this way all the time and actually I have been feeling more secure in my current connections as of late, but it has taken a while. And now I better understand why…and it is always nice to finally understand the why.

I do very much enjoy all the different personalities that surround me. They each offer a variety of views and perspectives that enrich my life so much. I always walk away with some new nugget of insight. And by not being tightly connected to one person, it opens up relationships with others that may not have come to fruition otherwise.

I am trying to trust more and doubt less. To not let insecurity take root. But rather to believe in the universe and the diverse group of amazing woman that surround me right now. I have fallen before and they have all reached out to catch me and that gesture should speak volumes. There are so many gestures, and I need to hold on to those when I am feeling doubtful. I have good friends. They are there, maybe not every day, not even every week, but they are there.

At the same time, I can’t be afraid to put myself out there and meet new people with whom I share a connection. Who knows where that will lead and what adventures, knowledge or experiences could come from getting to know someone new. I never really dated – hubby was my first boyfriend, so maybe that is why this part is so hard? I’m lazy, people always seemed to fall into my life. Now that everyone has kids, it is just harder to find the time to make good friends – we are all pulled in so many different directions and barely have time for ourselves, much less other people. Motherhood can be a very lonely place.

As I walked out of the coffee shop, I chuckled to myself because my friend saw through me – she knew me really well. And maybe I was to scared to admit that she was right. It kind of sets up all that I have been feeling this year and why the friend realm has felt so precarious to me. Ah, foundations. When one is shaken – whatever it is – it sucks. The search for more solid ground is a real pain in the ass.

It is so funny how moments come and go. Trying to prevent Tyler from going after his sister again this morning, I ask him to please go cut some daisies from the backyard. And so he goes to cut one. Quinn wants to help naturally. And so she goes too. Tyler decides to cut a bromeliad and brings in another left he found. We put it all in a small bud vase and I am dumbfounded at the beauty looking back at me. A simple task intended as a diversion created this. As the light shifted in the windows I would come back to it time and again to take pictures. It brought me smiles on what seemed a strange day.

The week starts tomorrow. As usual, I think things are fine in one place, “it is finally working!”, but lo and behold, the universe decides to intensify life and so once again I worry as things seem precarious. There is a lot going on, but really, when isn’t there? I will be crazy busy, but again, what is new there? My goal this week is to not allow those tasks to take away from the kids and also to get back to my sleep and exercise routine. Always in search of balance…always trying to keep the ship on course.

With another incredible day on the way tomorrow, I think the kids and I will head out on a hike and then maybe to the fabric store to pick up supplies for two ghost costumes. Here’s hoping for a good week for us all!

With that, I give you the kids beautiful cuttings…..

First of all let me tell you that I love sunsets. I told Chris that if we ever move again, I would have to be able to see the sunset every night from my house. Part of the reason our Arkansas trip was such a dream for me was that we saw the sunset every night for 6 nights straight. It was heaven.

We spent most of the late afternoon today hiking and playing at Perdenales Falls. The light was incredible and perfect for hubby to take some beautiful pictures. As we exit the park and head home, I realize we could catch the sunset and I so badly wanted to see it. How often is one out in the middle of nowhere and can see an unobstructed view? The trees were in the way, but we were climbing up the road and there had to be a place to stop. Then I remembered, there WAS a scenic overlook – I had seen it a few miles before we got to the park. I put the pedal to the metal – the window was closing and I wanted this moment.

The universe was kind and we got there. Oh, it was so beautiful. The colors were so rich and the view was wide open sky. Amazing, so amazing. We oooohed and aaaahed as Chris took photos of the scenery. With a few shots left, Chris took a silhouette shot of me and the kids.

Thereafter, I couldn’t resist my own expression of joy and exhilaration at getting to experience this moment of beauty. Beauty that is much bigger than me, but that I was lucky enough to get to witness this night. This is life, this is living – right here..breathing in what was in front of me.

So it is 2pm today and we are thinking about what is next. There was an outdoor play I was considering taking the kids to. Chris wasn’t up for that. The reality was that after 4 weeks of being obligated to this or that, we needed to get out on a beautiful day and do what we love…hike. But where to go? Enter some wild hairs which prodded us to leave the city limits for a while.

The idea is to go to Perdenales Falls and have a late afternoon hike. We could catch the sunset light which would be good for Chris and then eat dinner on the way home. The only thing is that the person who usually drives this train in these situations is laid out on the cough with 0% energy thanks to a certain cycle…ahem! Thankfully, Chris didn’t give up and did all the pushing to get us out the door. Thank god because we experienced some incredible natural beauty tonight and a nice break to our normal rhythm. It was a little peace of heaven and my cup was so filled.

And make sure to read the next post, because the best part, for me anyway, was waiting for me on the drive home…..

This past week was a bit crazy and I was a bit tired. Mom came over for an hour and a half one morning and played with my kids. While she did, I cleaned like a mad woman. The house was a wreck so I decided that the path to clarity would be found by dealing with the chaos in my house. It felt good. As Mom was preparing to head out she mentioned heading to my Dad’s that afternoon. I told her that we should trade. I needed to get the kids out of the house, so why didn’t we go see Pop instead and that would free up her day? It felt so good to have a way to give back to her for all that she does to support me.

I used to try to see my Dad at least twice a month, but I think now a weekly visit would be way more supportive of my Mom. We need to free her up as much as possible. The kids do really well at Pops. We usually go over there and play blocks or legos with him, fill his bird feeder, walk around the grounds and on some days we get him some coffee and talk him for a good half hour drive. It works and thankfully the kids do really great and are so helpful.

Tyler will help Pop or let me know if he needs something or isn’t doing something right. We ran into a caregiver on the way from filling the bird feeder. Quinn kept saying she had to tell me something while I was talking to the caregiver. I kept asking her to wait until I was done talking. Finally I asked her what she needed to tell me as we were walking back to his room. She says, “Pop left the bird seed out there.” My babies have grown up with their Pop this way. So they have watched us care for him and so they both do the same. They are the gentlest of spirits with him and it really warms my heart.