Today I headed for zen – to Turkey Creek – to our spot. Lots of rain meant lots of running water through the creek and it was indeed divine. The sounds of running water alone just soothes me. The funny thing is I find zen by coming here with my kids. I am a doer; I meditate through doing. If I came by myself, chances are I would get bored and lonely.

It is here with my kids, that we all seem to find our place. Out in nature, my kids can be exactly who they are supposed to be. There are few rules or constraints. Everything they want to do, they can. Play in water, play with water, climb over every rock, jump off rocks, run, pick up sticks, throw rocks into water, play with sticks, play withe mud, get dirty, and whack things with sticks.

It kills me that more people do not get their kids outside – nature is the ONLY thing capable of absorbing kid energy. It is almost as if they are able to be themselves because nature gives them that freedom. And so because my kids are so at peace and are so content, so I become content and very at ease. I love being a Mom in this place and I see my kids in the most beautiful light..and slowly our struggles fade away.

Of course, these days, it is still me and my kids. So once we hiked to our play spot and settle in, Tyler announces that he has to go to the bathroom. Of course. He wouldn’t go before we left. I tell him to go into the woods and find a tree and then he sits as if to do #2. Great. So them I stop him and we go dig a hole for that. I have now stressed him out, so he pees on himself and then I see that he has diarrhea. And I must repeat, of course.

You see, my kids love to do brilliant things like sucking on sponges which they were supposed to be using to clean the dining room table after dinner. Well, here comes a natural consequences lesson. I had told him that he couldn’t go to ACL Fest on Friday with diarrhea, so I think the reality that yes, his choices have real consequences just might settle in – at least through ACL Fest as he sweats that one out.

Thankfully, we all get through it…and do settle in and struggles again fade away. The kids don’t get as wet as I thought they would, but it was a cloudy morning so the temps hadn’t warmed that much. They play, I take pictures and try to dream up future fall craft projects. They throw rocks, explore and fish. I breathe the goodness in.

We were there for a little more than an hour when Quinn said she was ready to go. With a 15 minute hike back and clothes to change and then lunch to make at home, it did seem like a good time. An hour of zen – I will take it. And as an extra treat, the sun comes out on our hike back. It is so cool to see the sunbeams coming through the woods.

Ever since I became a Mom I have tried to drill into my head that life is now all about moments…and in one day there can be a lot of moments. I try to savor the up ones – where for a brief moment we are all in harmony, there is peace and all seems right with the world. Of course the moment is fleeting, but that is why I try to capture and savor each bit of goodness as much as I can.

Could you? Could you put your camera lens on me and pull out everything that is inside? I won’t remember the intensity of these years and the daily ups and downs. All I have is this blog and I am so incredibly clumsy with words. I am a very visual person and it is through images that I relate. And the brutal truth is that I want to look at an image where who I know myself to be on the inside shows on the outside.

There is a fire ready to burst inside of me. I think that is why I so desperately want to color my hair red – I want the fire inside to show on the outside. I want to be seen and all these needs are clashing. My insides and my outsides don’t match up and that is pissing me off. So much potential and I just don’t feel it is going anywhere..I keep telling myself patience.

I want to change my appearance and look totally different – why is that? Something just isn’t matching up. The more I seek clarity about what I should be doing, the cloudier and more confusing it all becomes. I know exactly who I am, but not who I am supposed to be….

I said these words today, “I loathe my children”. I said that and a few stronger things. We are at such an icky point in our relationship. The one word that kept coming to my mind is “understanding” and I clearly have a lack of it right now. I am well aware that this place serves none of us and brings increasing negative energy. I don’t get them and the more I press, the more they rebel. I must be forcing something that just doesn’t meet them where they are at right now. At any rate, I have no answers…and so I am going to go see someone who does.

I am counting down the days until I get to go see the therapist. I have been taking notes trying to craft a description of where I am in a concise way. I want to spend that hour with her doing most of the talking and explaining. I am just missing the boat somehow. Either that and/or I require a deeper understanding of where my two are developmentally and what they are learning in the process of driving me out of my mind.

I have this exasperated pic Chris took one Christmas and I love this shot. There is so much damn truth in that shot. And now I want the one that shows that I am still here inside just trying to sort it all out. {chuckle} I could probably use the same exact shots of both my kids to remind me that the sweet babies I love so much are still in there even when they are pushing me over the edge as they are trying to figure it all out. Maybe that is why none of us are getting along right now…

And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

My boy loves sunset as much as I do..and he loves taking pictures as much as his Daddy does! Here is his latest sunset shot:

Today is Michaelmas, the first of our fall festivals! Yesterday the kids and I made dragon bread which we enjoyed eating today. They had a good time decorating the dragon! We also switched the nature table over to autumn. And I must say it looks so awesome next to that newly painted wall!! Much better than the torn wallpaper, don’t you think?

Just Do It!!
Yesterday, I started off the week with a bang keeping the kids quite busy – circle, fall treasure walk around the neighborhood (both kids had their buckets), drilling lesson for Tyler, dragon bread making. I am finding that the kids are happier when I have things planned for us to do.

I needed an art project for today. I had been wanting to make an acorn family. I had all the supplies and we collected the acorn caps yesterday. At first, I worried the caps were too small and that I needed different bases. *sigh* One day I will learn. The kids don’t care and rather than be such a perfectionist about it – it is more important that we actually DO the craft.

This has also happened on the people front. My children need more people to play with. For 6 months now, I wanted to make these floor puppets for them, but I haven’t had the time or energy. The reality is that they just need something simple and they will use their creativity to fill in the rest. And of course by involving them they are way more invested into the creation. Today was such an example of that.

So we sat down and made these acorn people and ya know they came out great! What I didn’t expect was that Tyler would decide his were the Three Kings and Mary and Joseph and that we needed to use these instead of the lovely wooden ones that we have… Um, okay. If that is what he wants.

He also was bumming that we didn’t do more for Michaelmas – ya know, it isn’t like Christmas. Am I the only parent that spends half their child’s life trying to convince them that we shouldn’t live a whole year just for the Christmas holidays? I mean seriously – Noel is a year-round song in this house. Thank goodness, I know LOTS of autumn and Halloween songs, so for a while we can get a reprieve. Of course, this is our fault – we do a lot of fun stuff around the holidays. But I try to be positive – we have dragon bread after all!?!!

Art Their Way
I was proud of myself today because in many ways I let the kids drive and do it their way. I was getting colored pencils out to make faces for the acorn people. Tyler wanted to use a regular pencil and so I let him do his thing. I didn’t’ interfere – even when he was drawing the face on what was the side of the doll, I kept my mouth shut – it didn’t matter. He was happy with it, so let the artist be!

Quinn strayed from the project a bit, requesting a white sheet of paper. She then proceeded to paint glue on it and requested sparkles. We were out of glitter so I got resourceful and brought her sesame seeds and bulgur to sprinkle. She then filled an acorn cap with glue and filled it..and then wanted to hang it. It was fun to let go and just see where their creative urges went….

..and Chaos Still Ensues
And what I must accept with a 3 and 5 year old is that there WILL be chaos no matter what. Tyler got into play with his acorn people and I was thrilled and trying to keep Quinn from distracting him. She dumped some water out of bucket outside and was calling him and I am trying to distract her…”Quinn, do you want to stir the soup?”

And for whatever reason around 5pm we have crazy hour. Perhaps I need to just make dinner earlier so we can go for a walk or play outside? I have a feeling when the temp drops into the 70s that they will be drawn outside and that part won’t be so hard. Sometimes those joint giggles drive me crazy. And why do they always decide they need to make things with toilet paper and water?? I never thought of that stuff as moldable, but they love to mess with it. And when will Quinn not throw? So of course steel cut oats and bulgur on the floor.. *sigh*

Nevertheless, I am enjoying returning to more structure here and there. The kids had been asking me about more woodworking and circle, so they were clearly missing these things. And when it comes to art I am learning to just go for it and not wait for the “perfect moment”.

And with that…we slide into Wednesday and this Mama should be sliding into bed….

Full price $92- ouch!

First off, I apologize for the poor pics – I took them quickly as I wanted to blog this before I went to bed. I don’t buy clothes that often. So when I do, I either miss the good sales or am looking for the wrong season to get anything from the sales racks so I end up paying full price. As I did in the outfit here which cost me $92 for the 2 pieces. I had thought the jeans were on sale, but I was mistaken. The outfit was cute, but just really expensive for what it was.

Friends have been mentioning all these good deals they have found at thrift stores. I am really wanting to shake up my wardrobe, so I figured I need to give this a try. With some time on my hands today, I headed to Savers and w-o-w. I had so much fun. For an hour and a half I pulled clothes and tried them on. It was so fun narrowing it down the to treasures I would take home…and when I did – the damage was $55 for 5 things..and one thing being a coat for $19!

Did I mention I brought home DNKY jeans for $13 that fit like a glove? The Nine West coat is missing a button, but heck, for $5 I could replace them all. The Limited sweater was $5. The cute iridescent green shirt from Express was $6. And I am determined to fine a cute shirt and some tights to wear with that flannel skirt this winter. Um, yes – that is me in a skirt. It just might happen.

So I am more than thrilled. I think I am mostly done buying new clothes..or at least new clothes at full price! And you know – there is some savvy in the buying. I looked at labels – I was looking for good, quality stuff that had a lot of life left in it. Quality clothes make a difference whether you get them for $300 or $30. And avoid trendy unless you are making your own fashion statement. There were plenty chenille sweaters there (remember when those were popular?) – cute, soft and fuzzy, but fall apart after too many washes and out of style.

I have never been that great at styling myself, but this is motivating me to try a little harder and see what I can do to create some snazzy looks for myself. I am not an old woman ya know – and even a Mom can have style. So who is going to come thrifting with me? (I am Little Miss Organizer these days!)

Nothing feels better than making a decision that is good for yourself. Today I did that. I had a few hours to myself as the kids were with family and hubby is at Pecan Street. I wanted to go to the gym, but felt so tired. And then another idea flashed in my head. I should go to People’s and ask about flu protection….and actually I should tell them how I am so damn tired and see if they have any ideas about supplements that could help me. Remember when I talked about the grocery list test? Couldn’t do it again this week. That is bad.

After talking to the pharmacist at People’s, so much made sense. I had been in crisis mode, anxiety had a hold over my body for a week. Cortisol, the stress hormone, had probably done some damage. My adrenal system needed some help. As she said, “you were running from the tiger” so my digestive system had only been extracting what it needed to stay alive and not absorbing all the vitamins I needed. Um, flu? Yeah, I am right here. I lost weight during that time and had no appetite, so it all made sense. I got even more excited because I realize that hubby needed this stuff just as much as I did. I had good answers and now knew what I needed to do to get “me” back.

In addition to that I made an appt to see my old therapist to deal with some struggles we are having with our son. We are fighting demons from our childhood as he is at the age where he is pushing some serious buttons. My therapist agreed that he is at the age where he will start doing things that will trigger our baggage. She has a Pd.D. in child development, is a attached parenting person and has 3 grown kids herself, so I find her to be a very good guide for us. And maybe hubby and I will tackle some old demons that haunt us in arguments from time to time, especially when I am down.

I want ME back and I want that energy. That energy, my superpower, and I love my superpower. I am getting older and if I am not careful, I will start losing it and it won’t be so easy to recover. I like being strong – that is the reality. So after being down for the last three weeks, I am done. I don’t want to be needy, I want to carry the weight, so bring it. I want to start steering the ship again. I am getting the help I need from various places and should be back in full force in a week or two…so watch out.

In addition to those appointments, I am making some of the hair variety as well. We are weeks away from my red hair. And I think I will spend the rest of today doing some thrifting. I realize that I can’t afford a lot of new clothes, but after watching friends score at thrift shops and the like, I think I am missing out on something.

And I love the universe for the steering it does. Even the shit. As painful as some of that can be, I learned some important things about myself and my needs. And that kind of clarity is so valuable. There is more willingness to see where I am weak and where I need work. And so the older I get, the more secure I feel. And the more comfortable I feel to take a risk or make a change. The more I can hold onto me when life is full of adversity.

And when I am 100% back and my hair is looking fabulous, I will be looking to find myself a dance floor where I can just move and celebrate life. Oh and none of that booty-grinding crap, I am talking about good music. For me, dancing is incredibly freeing…if you haven’t tried it, you should and if you haven’t danced in a while, you’ve got too. Who wants to join me? And yeah, I am bouncing to Cobra Starship right now, but I also love Kasabian, Ghostland Observatory, Mika and any music that makes me want to run to the dance floor….

And why not? Why deny myself something that I love so much?? We adults spend too much time telling ourselves “no” rather than giving into our passions and finding a way to stay connected to them. We try to rationalize it using our jobs, our roles, and our age as an excuse. Then we become shadows of our former selves romancing our younger years when we had so much more freedom and choices, but no wisdom. We are not that out of control of our lives. Passion brings the fire people – so find yours and get back in touch with it… We have more wisdom now, so those passions are way more fulfilling and energizing.

So who is going to come dance with me???

Earlier today I went into the bedroom where Quinn was having rest time. She had one of her dollies undressed and had some toilet paper. She told me she was wiping her dolly’s butt…..

Well, this is a better use of toilet paper than other things. Like when she and her brother wet it down and make tortillas…and then send them down the sink drain and clog it.

Imagination and creativity…good times…