It consumes me – what am I going to do next? Yeah, it is a year away, but the decision-making starts now. And don’t get me wrong – I know how lucky am I that I even get the opportunity to ask that question. Maybe because it is such a gift, I don’t want to screw it up.

Is the universe trying to tell me something?
One of my aspirations for many years now way before kids was to run a non-profit organization. And lately that theme keeps coming up in my encounters with various people. Thursday picking my kids up from school I ran into a woman with whom I trained to do the Trek triathlon. It came out in conversation that I did part-time work for a non-profit. Well, she has her own company consulting for non-profits. Wow – that was the third time in 2 months. There was the Mom as the kids’ school with whom I share a passion for improving our food system – and she did work for non-profits in her pre-Mommy life. And then there is the other Mom I met at our neighborhood Moms gathering who is a director of a non-profit and was asking me if I would want to do some web work for her.

Could these people be mentors for me? Should I be chasing this dream down??

The Burden of Bad?? Ideas
I have ideas constantly. Just today I had the idea that I was going to learn to sew well – well enough that I could knock out a Vogue patter with my eyes clothes. And then I would learn to make my own patterns. I have absolutely no interest in becoming a fashion designer – but just to have enough knowledge that I could make some really cool stuff for myself and maybe have a small business on the side selling said cool stuff to my friends. And it all seems so possible even if completely impractical.

I think yesterday I was on a mission to be an OT helping children with sensory integration issues….

Identity Crisis
Lately I feel schizophrenic as all my identities compete for time. That crazy, primal girl is going nuts. Wasting time today I watched something on Paris Hilton. That got me feeding on that idea for wanting to make my own clothes.

I want to express myself so badly – these sides of me are jumping way out of my skin wanting time on center stage. For 4 years two identities have ruled the roost and I find that I need time to escape and be someone else for a while. I told someone the other day that I completely understand drug and alcohol addictions. I mean if you are stuck in a place and you have little control to change it – those things can give you temporary reprieve from the pressure of life.

I really want to get out and dance. There is a very saucy side of me that is wanting more outlets. Maybe a dance class is what I need Wendy…

Maybe I want to have my cake and eat it too and perhaps that isn’t supposed to happen, but I refuse to believe that. I see now that our lives are like a book with lots of chapters. You can always close a chapter and in beginning of the next change everything up. I want to have fun dammit. I have been serious for so long. I have finally figured out how to emotionally detach from life in a way that enables me to care about something, but not let the harsh realities keep me from celebrating life.

So I want all these things, but I don’t have the plan. I just don’t know where to start. I have spent so much of my life at the foot of opportunity and somehow screwed it up. I have always managed to blow it and not use all the gifts I have been given to their fullest potential.

I do think this path was meant to be because I finally have the wisdom, the confidence and the balls to not get in my own way and take a risk.

And the same ideas keep coming up. And more and more I am saying, “why the hell not?” Why does this always have to live in my head. If I want to go dance in a club, I should go. And yeah, I will come home the next day and knit a sock. I want to be that woman you can’t peg – see her in the club dressed like some crazy club kid one moment having the time of her life and the next day she is full-on Suzy Homemaker, knitting, making bread with the kids and cooking dinner..having the time of her life. I love that because I am all those things and more. Oh, and yeah, I want a career somewhere in there too – I want it all, my way.

I came out of high school fairly confident, but hit my college years and became filled with insecurities. And now I sit here and think to myself, I am amazing and there is nothing I can’t do!! And to be able to tell myself that AND believe it is a pretty awesome feeling. And so what is next? I so wish I knew how this chapter ends…..

It is amazing to me how children absorb life around them and translate it through play. Tyler and Quinn know that Grandma Havel quilts. The other day Tyler was playing with some blocks and told me he was making a quilt. He sure was. I saved what he was doing so we could show Grandma. She was quite impressed AND quite pleased… It was pretty cool.

The picture doesn’t do it justice, but I this was a great meal. I loved the way the colors all came together – the red bell pepper just made it.

Tonight we had zucchini lemon couscous, a chickpea / roasted eggplant dip, homemade pita chips and a garden salad with cucumbers, carrot, celery and red bells dressing with a simple homemade olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing. And of course, a glass of red wine.

For those of you that have How to Cook Everything Vegetarian – that dip in on page 613 I believe. The Couscous is from the Mediterranean Vegan Kitchen which is another one of my very favorite cookbooks.

Busy working on a teacher appreciation project that had me honing my sewing skills and dusting off my desktop publishing skills! I had to make 4 gratitude wraps for the teachers at my kids’ school and help finish four others. Then I had a cookbook to make – it turned out great! It looks quite professional and contains thirty pages of yummy recipes – hooray!

And yes, there naturally THAT day where everything was going to hell. I screwed up the tension mechanism on my sewing machine and couldn’t fix it, so had to dust off my old “dial-a-stitch” sewing machine. I was having trouble converting the cookbook from Pagemaker to PDF at Kinko’s (it will always be Kinko’s to me). But somehow, I kept trudging through and I made it…and I didn’t even have to stay up all night finishing it. Wow – does this mean I might actually be learning some time management skills? :-p

So tonight the gifts were delivered and I bask in the glow on done-ness before facing project #2 tomorrow. One week to revamp a website. I have already simplified what I need to do hoping that I can make my deadline. Trying to write many posts tonight so I can publish them over this coming week, otherwise, it will be another week before you hear from me!!

And when this project is over, I look forward to slowing the pace of life once again before we get on the roller coaster that is autumn….

Somehow I have time, and so I sign up to do things and then I get busy. And when I am busy days like the one below do not happen as often.

This was on a beautiful spring day in March. We sat outside and let the day unfold – chalk on the sidewalk, an encounter with a neighbor walking her dog, searching for “fossils” (I think Tyler was getting ready to teach a fossil class that day) and general contentment. I had my knitting – which is my own form of meditation. It allows me to be in the moment and be where my kids are all while “doing” something that doesn’t interfere with our zen.

As I went back through my photos, I found this day and wanted to jump right back into it. Things are too busy right now, but they will slow thankfully. One project down and one more to go and then I have some space. Ah, but what a day this was….

…a lazy dinner with dear old friends. Boys on one side, girls on the other. Two bottles of wine and 3.5 hours later, we are pretty much closing down the place. Whether a year goes by or a few weeks, nothing changes for us. We come back together and relish in how we knew each other then and enjoy sharing the who we are now. One thing can be counted on for sure – lots of laughter…..

To good times and great friends!