Being way sleep deprived not having a decent night’s sleep in over a week.  Going to bed looking forward to the next day’s break as Tyler will be in school and getting to have coffee with a friend and our youngest kiddos only to have it all go to hell at 3am.   Because Tyler threw up and had diarrhea.   Because I lost two more hours of sleep.  Because I am in the middle of that time of the month and at this very moment it is all about me and what I don’t get to do.

We have had so much stomach illness around here in the last 3 weeks I am cold to them now.  I know the drill, etc.  My child will most likely have just as much energy and will take breaks to puke and that is about it.  We will be quarantined for the next three to four days.   So no school on Thursday either.

…and I will pout because I am so tired and pissed I have to give up some rare Mama time and with a friend to boot.  Wah!!!   Before I went to bed I was already mad at everyone and last night, oh last night, the whole world was on my shit list.  I had to send the anger out, out to the universe.   And I know I am just tired and I have no capacity to deal with crap, so I send it out for someone else to deal with so I can just whine.

*sigh*  Universe, as angry as I am with you at the moment, I ask for serenity and some humble pie so that I may be gentle with my sick child child and find light in this day.    Everything happens for a reason and I have to hold onto that.  Perhaps I will get to do lots of crafting today, maybe more of my work will get done.  It doesn’t all have to be bad, so I will hold the best intention I can…..as I work on shedding the very livid part of me at the moment.

I just move to fast..  I type and go.  I try to re-read and catch errors and sometimes I do.  Usually long after I have posted though.  Or I will re-read an email I sent and freak out that the intended recipient even understood me.   My brain just goes too fast and my fingers can barely keep up.  My eyes scan so quickly that I just assume the word on the page is the word my head is reading.

I would say this is a huge weakness for me when it comes to jobs becasue I often am responsible for a good bit of communication.  I tend to take more time on important emails, but most things I just skim.

It is annoying.  I annoy myself actually.  I find it very distracting when I run into a grammatical error.   But such is life.  If you know me well, then you can laugh at me and maybe shake your head in a knowing way.

Off to put Quinn to bed….

The other day I decided to take a shower because I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I took one. I looked in the mirror and noticed I had quite a few whiskers on my chin that could use the attention of a tweezer. For a flash moment I thought of all the people I had seen in the past few days and wondered if they had noticed them. And then it was gone because really, I didn’t care. Whiskers or no whiskers, I was still 100% me.

I find it completely empowering that in this time of being so stripped down – no makeup, perhaps bad breath, no fantastic female upkeep, no hot clothes (unless you count my REI mama wear), etc. – I have never felt more myself. Everyday people get 100% me – no facade, no lipstick (ok, lip gloss on a really good day), no sweet smelling scent. And even though somedays I must look terrible, it doesn’t affect my confidence.

I realize that the people who love and care for me the best, see far beyond what I see in the mirror, they see their friend / wife, my energy, my love for them and all my nicer qualities.   And it just feels good to know that.
I have a great disdain for the superficial. I always have. I demand depth in my relationships in a “be honest and bare your soul” way. Perhaps because I am an open book myself, I find safety in the vulnerability of others. Nevertheless, the wisdom, growth, lessons and joy that can come from a relationship can only come when one is honest and open with themselves and their friends.

And right now, there isn’t even room for superficial stuff – life is right in front of me all the time. I walk around with my reality, one to my left and the other to my right.  I can’t pretend to be Supermom when my child is not listening or going after another child or laying on the floor of the grocery store throwing a tantrum.  I can’t say I feel great, when the bags hang low under my eyes.  There is just nothing to hide behind.  And so you just get all of me, soup to nuts – this is who I am.

Me, who will let the shower mildew, but loves to iron her cloth napkins.   Because I know what is important to me and what makes me happy.  It may not make sense, but I have sorted it out.  It isn’t perfection, but my quirky notion of how life should be.   Knitting and crafting are far more important that a daily shower.    It is like finally I have understood how to pick and choose priorities  – how to let go when i need to, pare down and bump something higher on the list.  Finally I live to please me first instead of others.  I actually know my own wants these days.

Finally I can handle my own humanity – the fact that I can’t be perfect and that it is actually easier to fail and learn amazing lessons than it is to try and be perfect all the time. When you fail, you become human, you become real. I don’t beat myself up like I used to. That voice doesn’t yell as loud or at all.

I just have to chuckle that at a time I probably look the worst I have ever looked, I feel the best I have ever felt. The most confident, the most sure of myself, and the most able to stumble, grow and move on.

Life is so strange that way. Not that I won’t ever get my groove back per se, but I wouldn’t trade this part of the journey for a second.

Quinn told me that Tyler put this bow in her hair.. 

The drawing has seemed to slow down over there – not quite sure why.  We have let Family Drawing Night slip and I need to get back on that.   But the enthusiasm Tyler showed for our big Valentine card making project has me wanting to make sure I remember to set aside some time to chill and draw.

We had to make 42 Valentine’s day cards for his school!  It was quite a project.  We made them all throughout the day when we had the urge.  Sometimes it was Tyler who wanted to get back to it.  In the afternoon, Daddy joined us and we had a little factory going.  Daddy and I would add a few things and then hand them over to Tyler to add his touch.  Tyler talked about getting one from each “factory” (one from Mama and one from Daddy).   At one point, he got up to wash the ink off his hands and then returned to the table saying, “back to work”.  He took it quite seriously!!

I also had to add a picture of the drawing below as it is one of his first form drawings.  The other day Tyler asked what he should draw and Chris told hiim to draw him.  We were quite surprised when he started drawing a human form..with a very tiny  head!    It is so neat to watch his drawing evolve!

Even though the very end of this night closed with an ill child, I regret not one moment of the afternoon and evening.

Two weeks ago, while Chris was home in between jobs, we were looking at a beautiful day and were trying to figure out what to do with the kiddos.  I suggested that we head downtown.  Chris could take him camera, we could walk around and maybe head to the Capitol grounds for a snack.

We park right near the capital around 3:45pm and head that direction.  As we are walking, it comes up in conversation that Chris has never been inside the Capitol building.  Well, of course, we have to go!  I have taken the kids once or twice and it is so neat.  We spend the next hour taking Daddy on a tour of the Capitol  – looking up, looking down, climbing stairs and walking through the legislative chamber.  We had a great time and we even learned a few things while speaking with a security officer there.

We headed outside, found a bench, and hung out for a while eating a snack.  Chris and I then decided that we would walk down to Jo’s, get some coffee and then head to the car.  Well, as we near 7th street, I realize it is 5:15pm.  So in a moment of spontaneity, I suggest we just eat downtown and make an evening of it!  Why not?   How often do we get to do something like this anyway?

So we head down to 2nd street and check out the menus at Jo’s and then peek over at Taverna, which we always see, but have never been too.  At first, it seemed a bit pricey, but then we saw they had half-price pizzas at the bar and in the lounge.  The lounge is this area with couches in it that was completely empty.  So we throw caution to the wind and take our 2 and 4 year old in there for dinner.  The pizzas were incredible and best of all, the place remained deserted the entire time, so there was never that “you brought your kids here??” awkwardness.   Oh, and the pizzas – there was one with pear, gorgonzola, and arugula – it was sooo good!!  They were wood fired and so yummy!

We decided to skip the libations at Taverna so we could treat ourselves to lattes at Jo’s afterward.  It was so cool to walk down Congress while the sun was still up and then to head back up Congress at night.  It was cool to witness the downtown transformation.   The kids had a blast and were jumping and running and exploring all the way home.

As we walked towards to Capitol, we wondered if it was still open..it was almost 7pm.  We thought, what the heck, and went back inside.  It looked really cool.  The kids and I laid down on the floor looking straight up at the dome while Daddy took some photos of the dome lit up.  We had the place to ourselves just about, so we chilled and enjoyed the great view.   After that, we said our goodnights to the Capitol and headed home.

The best part was that we were home around 7:45pm – plenty of time to get the kids down at their normal bedtimes.  We had such a fabulous time!!!   It was fun to let loose and just enjoy what was around us.

As for the illness part – Tyler ate more of the adult pizzas then the one we ordered for them, meaning he consumed some rich cheeses.  Right after stuffing his tummy he was running and jumping around for a good while.  We don’t think his tummy  much liked that combination, so it decided to empty itself twice later that night.  I joke that he had a hangover!

Nevertheless, it as a spectacular night and one I will not soon forget!

I am noticing a pattern in my craft making as of late.  It starts of with a grand vision  or pattern for which I have a great deal of enthusiasm.   I get to work so excited to see that vision/pattern realized.  Somewhere about 30 to 50% in, doubt sets in.  It doesn’t seem to be turning out exactly as I thought or as it should and I start to wonder if is going to end up total crap.  But I plough through, determined to at least finish the project.  And while the enthusiasm leaves me, I work very hard to get it right.   And then at the end, it comes out great!  Maybe not perfect, but enough that I am really pleased.   It is that way with this Mother Earth doll I am almost done with.  I am waiting on the wool for her hair to arrive and then I can show you a picture.   It was that way with these root children I crocheted (pics soon to come as well).  And it was the same way with this joy jar.

A joy jar is just what is sounds like, a jar full of joy.  You fill the jar up with thoughts, stories, etc that will bring joy to a person.  I had a simple decoration idea and one night while putting Quinn to bed it blossomed. And that is where all my best ideas find their start, while laying next to Quinn.   My eyes are shut and I begin to tumble ideas around n my head where I can see things, and try on a hundred what-if scenarios.  I can’t tell you how many problems I have solved or crafty solutions I have come up with.  It is really a rich time for me.

I had this idea of some simple decorations that will allow light through.  Tissue paper being the material of course.  Then I think of layering it – kind of like Eric Carle.  Then I think no, if the paper is on the outside, it can get torn, it will have to go inside.  Then how to do that – the glue has to be see through…a Mod Podge.  Then I think about the layering and how to come up with the image for a cylidrical object.  Then I remember the jingle bell ball in my Living Crafts magazine – they created the image as a flat rectangle first and then needle felted it into the ball.   And i wasn’t sure what the image would be – a nature setting most definitely. Then a day later it hits me, no it has to be Mayfield Park.  She would love that – she would totally love that.   And from there figuring out what objects would be in the forefront and what would be background.

And so I love my idea and I love this person and so I get to work.  And I start and I get 30% done and I start to worry just as above.  And there was a point where I was holding my breath.  I just kept working, don’t stop, keep working.  And then I added the first bit of sky, one of the last layers and it suddenly came together.  And then instead of taking the easy road out with just flowers, I told myself – you have to make a peacock, you know you do.  No peacock and that image could be any park in this town.  And I figured it out and I did it!  And I think it came out pretty good. And I am so glad I didn’t give up!

And so it was done Friday and lived on my counter for two days before it was gifted.  And now it is gone giving joy and love to someone else.  And what it funny, is that a few days afterwards, I really missed the jar.  The colors, the texture, it resonated with me.  Maybe it is the love I put in it, maybe it was that the vision came not from a book, but from my head, so I am even more connected to it.  I am usually copying something from somewhere trying to recreate what I see, but this was original.   This friend and I are both pisces, so maybe there a connection there.  But nevertheless, I am glad to have two photos of it to enjoy!  I thought to myself – well it  is a joy jar because wherever it lives, it gives off joy! 

That is the jist of my creative journeys these days.  And it is kind of like life….things don’t always turn out exactly how we thought they would, but if we keep ploghing through and don’t give up, we might just end up pretty pleased with where we end up.    And with that, my craft list for spring is a mile long.   Toys, toys and more toys to begin with….and a farm rug that is begging to be completed!!