Sometimes it is the little things that break a camel’s back.   The hike class went quite well and everyone seemed very enchanted with Turkey Creek.  And of course, it was just what I needed to lift my spirits.  So home I go to get Quinn down for nap – which will be a short one.  We have to go to the grocery store early so we can watch a friend’s child in the afternoon.  I am working on quelling a headache in the back of my head.

And so I just need her down by 1:30pm so I can make my list.  And then Tyler enters the room at the beginning of nap to tell me he needs to go potty.  I am zen – you can do all that yourself, go ahead and close the door.  He returns again, “close the door.  go back to your room”.  Finally she is asleep – I feel her twitches that tell me she is gone.  I lift her up to take her to bed and in the middle of the transfer, light streams in as Tyler opens the door – he wakes her up.

Don’t mess with the nap – sacred rule around here.  And so I told him he would have to stay in his room because I didn’t want to see him right now and slammed the door as hard as I could.  Harsh response, but considering my state, a mild one.  Both kids are tired from a bad night and Quinn needed that rest.  I needed that break.

*sigh*

It is the little things that knock a Mama.  You can breathe through the big ones, usually it is something small and unexpected that blow it all to hell.   But I am okay.  Of course, Quinn had to go find Tyler, but as long as they play quietly, I will be fine.  I need some advil.

I will not be broken.   I feel the earth shifting beneath me, but the survivalist in me refuses to let myself fall, refuses to be weak, refuses to give in.   I will figure it out.  I am on an island I realize.  Because it is really hard to lean on mamas who also have their own children, lives and stresses and challenges.  It is difficult to ask them to put all that aside just because I am having a bad day.   Hubby’s needs are so high right now, I can’t ask him to deal with my whining – he needs me to be strong and stable.

And so it feels weird because I think the healthy thing is to lean on others, but right now, it seems that the best response is to learn to be my own best friend. And for someone like myself who used to require so much affirmation from others and was a 100% extrovert  – it is a good lesson for me.  To learn to lean on me, to learn that I can talk myself down, I can pick myself up, I can find hope.  And I like that because then I never really feel alone.

Okay, I feel better.  Off too make my grocery list.   TGIF, people, TGIF.

So I was bad last night, not too bad.  I went to bed at 11…okay 11:15pm.  But I read an email that got me fired up about the neighborhood association and all these ideas started flowing, my head was wired and I didn’t finally fall sleep until after midnight.  Tyler was up wanting covers I think.  Then Quinn was up at 3-something am wanting milk.  Well, no, we have milk when the sun comes up.  So after an hour she gave up and went to sleep.  Then Tyler was up, and wanted me to snuggle – I stayed around 15 minutes until he was back to sleep.  Then Quinn wanted some milk at 5am.   It was all really laughable.  I actually pondered waking for the day around 5:15am….thankfully, I fell fast asleep.   And then had some crazy dream…..regarding my hubby and another lass….and then they were on reality TV….s-t-r-a-n-g-e.

And so I should feel really tired, but I don’t, but I do want coffee.   So maybe I am getting there – that place I got to when Tyler was a night-waking babe – that place where you function pretty damn well on very little sleep.   Where I am strangely  calm and mellow – I kind of like it.

I am crabby, but don’t have the energy to lose my temper.  And since this is one of my greatest challenges, this state of being actually serves me quite well.  My mood is wobbly, but if I could just interject some yoga in the evenings, I think it would turn around.

I go between optimistic and weighted down and telling myself to suck it up because my life is so damn easy.  And really, it is easy and I know that.   So I take a deep breath and go out into the day being tired, but also thankful.   Resilience – it is what I always hope for in the challenging times, it is what I wish for everyone.  It is what gets you through.

With that, wish me luck.  This mama has to lead 5 other mamas on a hike at Turkey Creek.  Oh universe, this is my zen place – please let it be so today.  I want to share the beauty and peace of nature and hope that there aren’t too  many dogs or distractions to take away from that.  Off to prepare hiking snacks….

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1153583/Social-websites-harm-childrens-brains-Chilling-warning-parents-neuroscientist.html?ITO=1490 

An excerpt:

A study by the Broadcaster Audience Research Board found teenagers now spend seven-and-a-half hours a day in front of a screen.

Educational psychologist Jane Healy believes children should be kept away from computer games until they are seven. Most games only trigger the ‘flight or fight’ region of the brain, rather than the vital areas responsible for reasoning.

Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood, said: ‘We are seeing children’s brain development damaged because they don’t engage in the activity they have engaged in for millennia.

‘I’m not against technology and computers. But before they start social networking, they need to learn to make real relationships with people.’

I have tried Facebook – I kind of get it, but not really.  I refuse to try Twitter – life in 140 characters less??   As a friend points out, in dire situations, the bombings in Mumbai for instance, Twitter was a lifeline for people.  These advances in technoloy and communication certainly have their place.  But overall, I want in real life relationships.  That has been me goal lately, to see people in real life.  To figure out a way to do that.

Here is an interesting article in the Times – Is social networking killing you?

It makes many interesting points – how these devices are re-wiring our kids brains.  Somehow I worry that I am actually harming my kids by not allowing them to watch TV and use these devices.  If their generations brains all work that way – will they have trouble working with these other kids?

These devices are KILLING our communities because no one communes in their community anymore.   There are all these local movements, eat local, shop local – what about socialize local?

Blame my inner 80 year-old, but I just can’t get on the train.   And so like my parents who couldn’t program the VCR – I guess in some ways, I am already there.

My favorite quote from Susan Greenfield:

‘We know how small babies need constant reassurance that they exist,’ she told the Mail yesterday.

‘My fear is that these technologies are infantilising the brain into the state of small children who are attracted by buzzing noises and bright lights, who have a small attention span and who live for the moment.’

All technology has its place and so I am not trying to demonize anyone who uses these services.  It is merely to say that all things must be balanced.  And while we have these relationships that know no bounds, it is still important that we live where we live.  That perhaps we grow actual green patches in our neighborhoods rather than on Facebook.  Life has to be lived not always connected to the computer.

I am starting to think about turning mine off during the day. I wonder if I could actually do that?  Telling people if they need to get a hold of me to call?  Would that be putting myself on an island?  Probably.

With that, it is way past this curmudgeon’s  bed time……

Eating a blizzard.  For his breakdown.  For the exhaustion.  For the eerie quiet.  For the uncertainty that hangs on every branch of every tree along with the spring blossoms.   For the work I should be doing with the deadline less than a week away.   For the optimism I continue to discover in the midst of endless bad news all around me.  For Iron and Wine – an excellent blizzard and work companion.  For life – rich and ugly, never dull, and in so many cases, what you make it.

I threw a royal tantrum this morning, didn’t I?  Then again, how often do we get to do that?  :-p  My poor hubby was the one having the really challenging day and I wasn’t so helpful with that.  And of course, the day turned out wonderfully.  All the angry energy was converted into uber productive energy – in fact, I can’t believe all that I got done.

1.  Deep cleaned kitchen including cleaning stovetop and burners, cleared junk and wiped down counters, washed all dishes and scrubbed sink, and wiped down all the cabinets.

2.  Did 4 loads of laundry including vomit and pee laundry from day before.

3.  Cleaned off office desk – filing papers and greeting cards that needed to get filed, found bills/receipts/misc. items I need to respond to, and compiled 2008 tax return items.

4.  Completed knitting a flower child dress.

5.  Swept garage.

6.  Designed database and forms for website I am working on.

7.  Made dinner.

And yes the kids were home and no they weren’t tied up in a closet.  As usual, the day turned out just fine.  And because of all the work completely today, I think tomorrow we will enjoy the warm weather by working in our garden and planting a few things for spring.  Tyler is raring to go, so we might as well go for it!

Tyler seems fine by the way.  A bit more diarhhea this moring, but more or less returning to normal.

So there you go and off to bed I go!

What makes illness harder to swallow is when my child wakes up and is already getting wild and crazy with his sister.  This will not be a mellow day.   He doesn’t feel feverish, it will be a normal day and one I don’t want.  I have cried, I want hide, I am so angry.

Can you tell I am not myself??  I am refusing to accept the reality.  *sigh* *sigh*    {banging head on desk}

Well, he does still have diarrhea…  Erg.  Oh, and in case you are wondering why I am so tired, it is a combination of not going to bed early enough and taking both kids at night.   It was important for Chris to get a good night sleep for his job and now he is up at 6am to go to the gym, so if Tyler wakes up, which he still does, I need to go check on him and pull his covers up, etc.  Sometimes crawl in bed with him.

Lately, it has been nuts.  One night he was up at 1am and then both kids were up at 5am.  The weekend, Chris slept with Tyler, so I didn’t have to worry about him, but Quinn was up for an hour from 4 to 5am.  So it has been a comedy of sleep errors around here – every time I *should* net some sleep, I lose more.

Note to self, I should consider not operating heavy machinery without caffeine…

I would like to note that even tired, I had a great plan for Monday and the kids and I had a great day yesterday.  We even made pita bread.   Maybe it is that I am tired without plan for today that makes it much scarier to approach.  *sigh*  OK, the kids are ready for me to do my job…and I will use yesterdays plan I guess….

Thanks for indulging my whining – it does help.