So much life goes on that does not get captured here and I have a hard time with that.  I fear that what isn’t captured will be lost.  I feel I cannot trust my head to remember what I want it to.  There is just too much.  I guess that is why there is so much focus on living in the moment because you truly only have that moment once.  After that it becomes a memory that will be kept or lost and even if it is kept, it will be somehow transformed never to be exactly as it was.

Christmas is a hard time in general and this one in particular for a variety of reasons.  And even though all the reasons aren’t weighing on me or necessarily hanging out in the forefront of my mind, they do contribute to my emotional collage.  And so the day after Christmas on a relatively warm, cloudy and breezy day, I run to nature.  I take the kids and thankfully, Chris, who is having a difficult morning himself, decided to join us.

Off to Turkey Creek our little family and dog venture.   And as we begin to hike, I immediately sense the lifting of weight, the instant liberation, the energy, the joy and the freedom.  It was a beautiful, peaceful hike and something each of us needed.  It was heaven.  And sadly there are fewer and fewer heavenly places like this as so many individuals decide that they must claim these beautiful places for themselves.
And as we near the very end where we are parked, I see Chris paused.

I ask him what he sees…..a male cardinal in a tree.  My Nana’s favorite bird, a bird that often visits my family.

It is so easy to be imprisoned in one’s mind.  I am so thankful for that day, for the invigorating weather and for places where a person can truly escape.

I never get sick, really, it is rare and if I get something it is usually short-lived.  Anyway, I woke up with a sore throat and by the end of the day I feel like crap.  Three days before Christmas – this is NOT good.  I am still finishing up Quinn’s hobby horse, have to make our 12 Days of Christmas felt hearts, have final Christmas shopping to finish and some cooking and baking to do.

My solution?  Pop ibuprofen like it is candy through the 25th and end the night with hot toddy’s or maybe Hot Buttered Rum.

Erg.  This really sucks.  Wah!!

..sent the following to some friend and had to record it…

a record-tying high of 81 degrees today and snowing by midnight…only in Texas.  Man, if my kids were like 8 or 9 years old, I would totally be waking them up to see it……

….c-r-a-z-y

So a vain and guilty pleasure of mine has been to  begin to visualize our 10th wedding anniversary celebration where we plan to have some kind of a party and renew our vows.  I have already begun to think about what my vows would be or what I would say.  Two things about our relationship stick out clearly in my mind – one a fact and one a memory:  a.)I still have a crush on him and b.) a time about a year and a half into our relationship we were cuddling and I remember telling him that when I was with him, I felt like all my dreams were going to come true.   And then naturally I thought, all my dreams  HAVE come true.

{pause} But then I thought, what does that mean?  How have my dreams come true?  And what I came to realize is that life is so completely unpredictable and crap can be throw at you at any time.  The dream is him.  Having someone who loves me completely, who is my partner, who is my friend to walk this road of life with me.  There are so many aspirations one can have……and the stock answer – “happiness”, well that is naturally fleeting.  Life is not perfect, and no one is happy all the time.  But having someone with whom to weather the storms is priceless.

He is my dream come true.  He is having a tough time with life right now.  And after being in my own fog for so long early in our relationship, I am more than happy to return the favor of being his rock for once.  Letting him know that I will be with him, thick or thin, and that together we will get to the other side.

I think it was clearest to me on our vacation where we experienced a number of insane mishaps – a cabin reservation that had to be canceled due to flooding, a tent blowing down in the middle of the night and having to pack up, wake up kids and head into town to find someplace to stay at 1am, a car accident….and yet we got through it by cracking jokes with each other.   And I learned that this was the first time he had ever roasted marshmallows over a fire.  It was so endearing to see  how excited he was every night after the kids crashed to go sit by the fire and roast marshmallows.  What made that trip so wonderful and so much fun was sharing it with him.

I was telling him how my whole notion of a successful life has changed.  To me these days it is more about being able to face your fears and walk through the fires you don’t want to.  It is about looking at every thing that went wrong and trying to learn and grow.   It may seem a serious approach, but I think that truly getting all you can out of life means enjoying the good and not being in denial about the bad.  How can we evolve if we don’t learn and grow from history?

And with that I am quite content right now.  Chris and I are at a point where we can see the light.  We are more and more able to go on adventures and dates away from the kids.  We are able to reclaim parts our ourselves and our relationship that have been dormant for so long.

As I get older life seems heavier and heavier.  I understand what it means to be in the sandwich generation.  I see life take its toll on relationships and families.  And so at a time when the economy is going nowhere good and for quite some time it seems and there is so much uncertainty in general, I snuggle closer to my husband because no matter what happens, we have each other.  And that is more than enough for me.

Hey guys my site was hacked and that is why it has been down.   I need to upgrade my software, so my site my look different or strange.  I have lots of backups I need to do and whatnot, but I hope for my home to look like itself again soon.  I am still able to post and if you read my via a blog reader, you probably didn’t know anything was wrong!!  :-p

Anyway, that is the latest.  I have a post saved that I will throw out for now.

This year I wanted to do Thanksgiving rings with the kids.  I wish we had started them earlier.  For some reason, I was waiting for the “right moment”.  I do that a lot.  Sometimes I am learning it is better to just jump in and do it.   Nevertheless, we had about three days worth.  The kids really got into it and enjoyed watching the chain grow looking at all we are thankful for.  Here is the list:

• Hikes in Nature
• Trees
• Mommy and Daddy
• A full holiday calendar (Daddy’s)
• Momma’s Milk (from Quinn…I will never be able to wean her!  :-p)
• Art Projects
• Cookies and Cookie Lady (our local drive thru coffee shop gives the kids animal crackers)
• Long Weekends (from Daddy)
• Ghostland Observatory (from Daddy who can be quite a smartass…ahem…then again, it is his favorite band :-p)
• Wind Chimes
• Two wonderful kids who love each other
• Mommy, Daddy, Quinn, Chase, Emerson and Maddie
• All Animals
• Everything (a Quinny entry)
• Lavender Festivals (a Tyler entry)
• Getting to see animals
• Family
• Quinn is thankful for Christmas
• Sunsets
• Hedgehogs, which sadly don’t live in Texas (a Tyler entry)

Avent started on Sunday and we had our first Sunday celebration.  I had been looking forward to this for a while as it is a new addition to our holiday traditions.  We began our celebration after dinner by standing around our Advent wreath, lighting the first candle and singing two Advent songs.  I have a lovely Aroma Naturals white pillar candle that is our main daily candle for the holiday season.  We light that candle at meals and storytime.  This candle was lit in the middle of our wreath.
While singing the second verse, I took our daily candle and headed over to the living room while everyone followed.  We are reading a story book for chidlren that has a story for every night of Advent – every night the next story builds on the previous one.  We all sat by the fire and read the first story.

After our story we enjoyed a special dessert – a Warm Winter Compote with Cashew Nut Cream.  Then it was time to trim the Christmas tree!!

The kids really loved our little ceremony and Tyler took great pride in decorating the tree!  It was a very lovely evening and a nice start to the holiday season.