you read news articles like the ones below… people starving, oil prices insane, the world having to support an increasing, more demanding population with limited resources, the ramifications of global warming happening RIGHT NOW. Some days it feels like a slow Armageddon unfolding.

My instincts are too save our money and just to be ready…have a plan..although I don’t know what to plan for. I have thought about taking survivalist classes…  I taek my job seriously, but it is hard to focus on 3.5 year old meltdowns, errands and “important” stuff when people are starving RIGHT NOW and the future feels so bleak. It feels like our own planet is slowly going to rid itself of us and I can’t blame it.

I can however blame the Bush administration for its complete short sightedness on these important issues and instead wasting our money and energy in wars. Years from now I hope he ends up on the “worst of the worst” administrations list. In these last 8 years, we needed a visionary…I can only hope that the Dems pull it out in this election.

Across Globe, Empty Bellies Bring Rising Anger

Global Food Crisis a ‘Silent Tsunami’(the second guest provides an EXCELLENT discussion of how we got here. Really fascinating and frustrating….)

Europe Turns Back to Coal, Raising Climate Fears

Rising Sea Levels Threaten Egypt’s Ancient Cities

Pine Forests Destroyed by Beetle Takeover

I have to close my ears sometimes because otherwise I would spend my day in disgust, sadness and worry for what the future holds and questioning my bringing children into such a place. Our governments isn’t doing crap and don’t really see to care…and are so damn short-sighted..

Earth Day was approaching and I was telling Tyler that we would have to sing “Happy Earth Day” (sung like Happy Birthday) to the earth. That got my thinking about birthday parties and so I thought - let’s have an Earth Day party!! And do we did. I had a lot of acitivites planned and in true toddler fashion, we didn’t get to them all. But we did go for a nature walk, make pinecone bird feeders for the birds to enjoy a treat, and of course had a cake with candles and all. It was a nice afternoon - Tyler was very excited by it and a few days later you can still hear Quinn singing “Happy Earth-day”. As the kids age, I am sure our celebrations will be a bit more earth-conscious (cleaning up iltter at a park, etc), but for now, just bringing awareness to Mother Earth and how we live in community with her is enough for a wee one. Here is some video of the kids singing….

A treat for the birds on Earth Day

A video of the kids singing “Happy Earth Day!”

We went out to Sweet Berry Farms, the same farm that has the pumpkin path in the autumn, to do some strawberry picking. It was really nice. I had never picked strawberries before nor seen what a strawberry plant looked like. We went with the kids and my Mom and Dad while Daddy has some Daddy time taking pictures. The kids picked for about 10 minutes and then they were done. So we headed on to see the goats and have our packed lunch. We even got to sneak in on a hayride - that day the hayrides were only for group tours - but the farmer let us on. We had some homemade berry ice cream and I went home with some homemade strawberry jam. It was a lot of fun and a wonderful outing for a spring morning!

Picking Berries at Sweet Berry Farms!	Look at those beautiful berries!
Pop looking for some ripe ones!
Quinn picking with Grandma….	Tyler checking things out
Feeding the goats…	I think it is wicked cool that these goats get a tree in their gated area so they can also climb to their heart’s content!

It amuses me how a post in my head can change over the course of a day. Yesterday my post would have talked about how I don’t like my son very much. It would have talked about me dealing with my self-respect and dignity getting stomped on and how I must maintain my composure…and often don’t. Yesterday was a doozy. I was so exhausted, that I just let my frustration and anger drive. I don’t even know if I was in car - I think I had left it in search of coffee or maybe greener pastures. It was bad, it was a mess, I am ashamed and feel terrible. My buttons were pressed to the max.

Needing a ‘Vaca’

Yesterday I kept thinking, “I need a vacation from my kids….the zeal of this job is gone.” Really, that is the tired talking. That is additional frustration from me trying to create regular rhythms to our day when I have little capacity for change. And as soon as Tyler senses that I want us to transition to x, y, or z - he rails against it. I get frustrated..why is this so hard? Why can’t we just get dressed, dammit?? It has only been a few days and today I did much better. Tyler didn’t want to go for our morning walk, but we still went. He hemmed and hawed through half of it, but then ant piles, leaves, and finally a dump truck moved his head past it. I need that walk I realized - I need to go outside and breathe in the day. It allows me to reset. And he resets as well.

Antagonism and Reactions
He is starting to talk back to really push and test boundaries. He persists doing what he wants to do while looking right at you. He is testing, testing, testing. It is so hard in those moments to remember that my reaction to this is PIVOTAL. Whatever I do, I teaching him how to react. I know this because I see it with his sister. So if I just grab something from him, which I do on occasion, he will react the same way when his sister has something she shouldn’t. If I am screaming at him or physical with him, he will learn to do the same to his sister or others.

It is so hard in those tense moments to remember all that. It is a constant struggle for me, constant learning, constant practice. That is the challenge with this age that I honestly think a lot of people don’t get - you CAN’T get drawn in - you get drawn in, you fail. I AM NOT THREE - I am thirty-three. That doesn’t mean I should exert my power over him - I do not want my son to learn submission in the midst of a struggle. I need to act with the maturity and wisdom and creativity of someone who is thirty years older. And that is what I do every night. I review what went well and what clearly didn’t. What could I have done better? I also try to transform my perspective and see my sweet, loving son - not all the negatives that are so vivid in my head at the moment.

Siblings

He also likes to remind us that he has his own opinions about what we should do today, how we should do this or what he wants to do right now. He is getting more difficult in his sister in some ways. She can’t play with his train - she has to have her own track. Although in the last two days, I realize that during our “creative play” time - he does best if I get her involved with me quietly (that is the trick). He will get into what he is doing and PLAY as long as he doesn’t realize she may doing something fun. So she may be playing in the kitchen sink while I wash dishes. They need there own space, but they are just too curious about what the other is doing. Again, this is why I think Starbright will be so helpful. They will be going together, but will have their own classes and friends there. Some time to grow on their own, but coming back together to head home.

Respect and Helpfulness

There is the disrespect of things - will he ALWAYS break stuff?? Does he have to throw the doll I made him every damn time? Will he EVER pick up anything? Will he ever carry his plate to the sink? In sane moments, I realize that he is only three. I realize that he has been in a growth spurt for the last 6 months and with no naps the kids really is always tired. But there are days - he drops a spoon….”Tyler, can you grab that?” “I am too tired.” Jesus child, I am exhausted….you can pick up the spoon. I don’t say that, I sigh and pick it up. Model, I have to model. That is what I have to do. Don’t shame him, but model because I know he watches me. I need to be gentle with everything, I need to practice what I preach. It is my actions that will live on in his head and one day it will click. Day after day though, it is hard. After three years of parenting, maybe i am just tired. He is just doing what three year olds do. I have to trust my gut…

Boy-ness, Chomper-Whompers and Clampers

I realize that he is a boy bursting with “boy-ness”. And while I think I have done well up to this point giving him open space to be a boy - this is a new level of boyness - and me a girl, is having to take a step back. He is very “violent” in his talk. So he will say things like, “I am going to saw you into bits!”, “I am going to take my chomper-whomper and chomp Quinny into bits!” He likes to remove body parts - “you have no nose!”, “I ate your nose!”, “I took your arm off”. He is very much into tools right now and has his own real hammer. He will be getting a woodworking bench for his birthday.

I am wise enough to realize that the imagery his comments conjure up in my head are not the same for him. He has no concept of what those things would mean if they happen in reality. I have the sense to NOT say, “that is not nice” or “that would hurt”. He is not trying to be mean or hurt - he is just trying to play a game..he is trying to work things out.

The leader at our little parent/child class talked about how three year olds in their subconscious are playing with their own individuality and starting to separate themselves from their mother. I see that totally. He is separating body parts, he is smashing the cord that ties us. He is playing with his own power and strength - everything for him is about how strong he is. While overwhelming at times, I also realize how healthy this it and the best thing I can do is nurture this within the confines of the boundaries we have set. It is exhausting and challenging, but also fascinating. I am new at this and am just as curious where this journey is leading us..

Discoveries

..and with all the craziness…just this week he discovered DRAWING?!?! He wants his drawing pad all the time. Yesterday he hauled it and a pen everywhere - the front yard, on our bus ride. He wanted me to read him the “Drawings of Moony B Finch” about a boy who draws. I thought this would never happen honestly. And he is talking about painting lately. I am so excited about this. I want to get him a special set of color pencils and am going to make a fabric pencil case holder for him to have. But that is in a few months…

Every day is a new day and brings new surprises and challenges. I have to sign off - the kids will be home any moment. I do have pictures to post from our Strawberry picking outing and our Earth Day party!! And I have to spend equal time talking about our amazing daughter who sadly needs to get more attention on this blog. Her vocabulary is exploding and she is growing more into her own everyday.

Namaste, everyone…

For three weeks, I was SuperMom. The energy I had was insane and for three weeks I was a productive Diva. Then like all good things, it went away and here I am so tired. Chris was out of town for two days, so putting the kids to bed and all that jazz wore me out. I wasn’t born with a middle ground, sometimes I wish I had one, sometimes I think I would be way less interesting if I did. So I will get some posts out that have been sitting in my head…

Ok, i published this, but I am editing again. Just went to get myself some much deserved coffee. So life is changing a bit. Chris’ job is requiring many more hours of work, so Daddy comes home just as spent as I am. He works after the kid are asleep many nights too. It is clear to me that the Starbright openings are going to be a godsend. I am going to need that break because Chris is more and more unable to provide one.  Not that he doesn’t want to, he is just pooped and needs to recharge too.
It doesn’t seem like him working more would affect me, but our family is a unit that way. So more nights working meaning he isn’t doing dishes at night, helping clean up or fold laundry. He needs a break when he gets home, so that means that I take the kids longer and try to give him space. I only illustrate these thing, because I don’t even think I realized how much his job could affect all of us. So having the kids in school twice a week will give me the breathing room I need to keep things and myself rolling along…

…and I need it! Have I mentioned what a challenge three is proving to be?? I haven’t? Well, read on, dear reader….

Ug, ug, ug. We are at that place and I know this place and it sucks to be honest. Let me begin by saying that Quinn’s naps are very important around here for many reasons:

a.) I enjoy the zen place I go to as I nurse her to sleep. I close my eyes, relax and swim in my head.

b.) There is a lovely shift in our home and I get a 1.5 to 2 hour break. Tyler and I hang out and relax doing various things - some days I just chill and stitch or knit. Other days I am working on dinner in the kitchen while he helps. Some days I am working on projects or whatnot and he weaves in and out playing alone and then checking in with me.

c.) Quinn still needs to nap.

d.) When Quinn doesn’t nap - everything goes to hell. The last two weekends she hasn’t napped. Tyler is a complete mess. He also is ready for that shift and break. And by the end of both weekends, Quinn was exhausted and it was evident Monday morning.

e.) I still have no idea what I will do when she drops naps. The way I would handle the situation now with her being only 2 is way different than if she was 3. We all need our break, but how to do that with both kids. I visualize and mull it over, but I haven’t any clarity around it.

Where we are now..

So I know this place because Tyler went through it. It is the phase where the toddler still needs that nap, but they take forever to wind down and give up the ghost. That daytime sleep though impacts bedtime, so they are not as tired at night and hence go to bed later. I still remember Chris so annoyed because it was taking an hour and sometimes more for Tyler to go to bed. Chris was thrilled when he dropped naps because getting Tyler to bed after lights out went from that hour or more down to 15 minutes, if not less.

Instead of 20 minutes at naptime, it is taking 30 to 40 minutes to get her to sleep. And that is usually 25 minutes of her being restless, talking to me, playing around. so I can’t zen out as well and start getting frustrated and subconsciously terrified that she isn’t going to nap. She also wants her naps so late which isn’t good for bedtime.

For now I just want to find a way to relax and get it back in my head that she WILL nap. Tyler I must say is so incredibly patient. I think that is part of the stress - knowing that Tyler is chilling in his room waiting. He sometimes listens to stories, but interest in that waxes and wanes. Maybe I will just start trying to get her down later and see if that helps things. Of course, then I have to watch her not sleeping too late.

At night, she is crashing at 9pm. It takes her about 40 to 50 minutes to go to sleep. Of course, that bedtime has her up at 8am which leads to a later nap and so it goes. I am trying to make sure she is up at 7:30am which sometimes helps.

Because i know how this all plays out, I am trying to just go with the flow. I would honestly rather us stay at this place for a while, then move to no naps. I am seriously NOT prepared for that transition. I am also thinking that Starbright might help a bit.

We will see what happens….Tyler dropped naps at 2 yrs 2 months, so we will see if she follows suit. I guess I better start getting creative. Maybe the universe is trying to warn me so I am not caught completely off guard??

…the universe throws a wrench into the plans. I had decided that I was not going to send Tyler to preschool. I didn’t want to separate him from his sister and felt like our days were fulfilling enough. I wasn’t searching for a break and these days, a break for me would have to mean zero kids. I had the kids on a waiting list at the one school I would want them to attend, a mostly Waldorf-inspired school, but didn’t think we would get in. As I wrote in my Christmas letter, we didn’t have any big decisions to make this year and we were just going to enjoy the year being together.

Then I get a phone call from Starbright, the school mentioned above. I was told that BOTH kids were admitted for T/TH morning class. Oh, and I had to tell them “yes” or “no” by the next day. I had not figured this situation into the equation. If they had called and said only Tyler was admitted, I would have said “no”. If they had said it was for MWF, I would have said “no”. But this I had to consider.

The school is very small - just two classes. The younger class (2 - 3.5 yr olds) which Quinn will be in and then the older (3.5 to 6 yr olds) that Tyler will be in. This school is in a small house so the kids will see each other in passing and on the playground. They are very sensitive to siblings and said that they sometimes have older siblings comfort the younger ones if they are having a rough time and that they have had some siblings nap together. They allow several visits up to 6 weeks in advance to get the kids acquainted with the school. I have absolutely no problem with the school - it is a most amazing place.

My issues had more to do with me and my plans. Did I want to let go of that amount of money every month? Was I “failing” by choosing this route? Also, when I was originally going through the decision-making process I had decided to pick up the kids at 12:30pm and have Quinn nap at home. So it was a lot of money for the 4 hours they would be gone, considering the tuition was for a 7 hour morning. After talking to the director, I have decided to slowly work Quinn up to napping there. That would give me a solid 6 hours and in the end I think it would be easier for the kids. I think it would be disruptive to scoop them up and then tell Tyler to stay in his room while I get Quinn down. Chances are they are going to want to tell me all about there morning and that would be winding them up instead of down. Lastly, there is a strong, beautiful rhythm at Starbright and I think the kids would flow much more naturally into rest there.

The final straw that tilted the decision for me was that I was being offered spots in a very small and popular program. I was being offered an opportunity that may not circle back around at a later date. The universe set up the scenario in such a way that I had to consider it. And so I jumped.

Now I am at peace with the decision and am getting excited about it. I will have regular time to exercise! Since I will be heading down south in rush hour traffic, I am going to take yoga classes in that area of town and head home after that. Tyler is so excited. I heard him tell Susan on the phone, “Did you know I am transferring to Ella’s (a friend of ours) school Starbright from my school Blossom?” He goes on, “Piper may come if she wants to. If she doesn’t, she may not.” I KNOW he is going to take to Starbright like a duck to water. That also played into my decision-making because I don’t’ think I can just pull him out if I change my mind.

We will see how Quinn does. I think taking her to the Blossom parent/child classes with Tyler will be helpful as several things we do there, she will do at Starbright, so it should feel familiar. The nap thing may or may not go well - I have no idea. At this point, we will just take it slow and play it by ear.

I am looking forward to more time to plan more things for my kids. I have some more Enki materials coming and want to plan more stories, adventure circles and like for the kids. At night I am so tired that I just have a hard time doing that work. It will be nice to have time in the morning when I am awake and my brain is fresh to THINK!! Time to think, what a luxury!! Time to finish the many projects that remain in progress around here when I have the most energy! Time to think about what is next for me. Chris new job has lead to longer hours for him and me, so I do welcome the break.

And so my school journey begins. I still have no idea how Kindergarten will come together or where or what we will be doing for Lower El. At this point I just feel blessed to have options. I am not trying to shelter my kids, but to give them more of an opportunity to unfold at their own pace, to really discover who they are and where they fit into this world. This in as interesting path we are on and as we go, I learn just as much about myself as I do about them.