..who knows what they will create!  One night after dinner, Tyler heads to the kitchen sink to wash his hands.  There he spies a colander of spaghetti in the sink and goes to work.  I didn’t really need what remained in the sink and let him go abou this play.  After dinner, he and Daddy headed off for bathtime and I headed into the kitchen and this is what I found.  I thought it was hilarious!

I need to expel the bad energy.  What better way to do that then going on a posting binge?  This is the first night that I have had the energy and I need to get you all caught up on the good stuff that has been going on around here.   I am sure I used to be a daily place to visit and lately, well, I have been letting you down.  I can’t promise to get back to the daily thing (my laptop is out of commision and hubby doesn’t like sharing his computer), but I will try.  Here are some great moments from Novemeber that I need to share!

Climing a mountain with Ella at Allan Park

Tyler reads Maddie, our cat, a story while Quinn sits and enjoys

Working on my skills with a spoon

I am digging the brown rice, mama

It is the theme of my life right now.  Mine, my husband’s, my son’s and my daughter’s.  For where we all are in our lives right now, we are all dealing with it. 

Tyler is three now.  I think in the twos, he discovered that there are a lot of things in the world that ticked him off and he dealt with those things in a physical way – biting, hitting, throwing, tantrums.  Now he understands more and so he feels not only the goodness, but so much more of the tension and stress in life.   He graples with the judgements he has to make.  He WANTS to do what he cannot.  He is mad and he is stuck - he has strong feelings, he knows he cannot have his way, but doesn’t want to accept that.  His emotions overwhelm him and he goes primal.  He grunts, screams, throws himself on the floor, writhes around expelling all the mad from his being.   Sometimes we are able to talk him to a more rational place and some days we fuel his anger, so the best thing for us to do is walk away and give him space to calm down.  He is so out of sorts these days and we are trying to get to the root of it all, but there may be no clear answer.  Like anything else, it seems that all we can do is make sure the basics are addressed and then batten down the hatches and try to stay calm and present during his thunderstorms.  The basics include enough rest, a consistent rythm to our days, a calm, warm environment, toys that invite play and don’t rile him up, enough outside time, and enough food intake.  With Daddy home, life has been very off.  As much as I love having a partner to share the load, there are days where I am looking forward to him returning to work and us getting back to “life as usual”.

Quinn is nearing two and is realizing that she can assert he feelings of “no, i don’t want to do that”.  She wants to walk right now and doesn’t want to go into the car.  She doesn’t want to take her shoes off getting ready for bed.  She is much more particular than her  brother and is much more determined and stubborn.  She has a most impressive meltdown the other night as I was trying to get her to sleep.  She was quite overtired and lost it and I wasn’t being as  helpful I suppose.  She was so distressed that the entire night she woke up every hour or so screaming out and crying.  It was pretty intense.  She isn’t in the full blown phase of asserting her independence and to some degree she already gets a good bit of it, so there isn’t much to fight.  She is definintely in a place where she needs wind down time before nap.  A rest routine is my first priority in the new year.  He naps are not reliable everyday and she does need them.  Driving doesn’t work like it used to.  It is time.  ANd both kids need rest – even Mommy.  So everyday there will be lay down time for all of us.

Chris is tired as well.  The kids have been crazed and that his made his extended vacation more work than rest.  Many of the items he hoped to accomplish remain on the list and nowhere close to being addressed.  We want to rearrange the house and actually buy new furniture, but with two kids – that will be a very slow process.  I think he is generally frustrated with where Tyler is at and is probably bummming because he received an amazing new camera for Christmas and has had no time to just play and shoot with it.

I am just a jumble of nerves myself right now.  I really am not sure of the source of my emotion, so I have a list of grievances that I am attaching to it.  Everything/person/challenge I have encountered today has in someway annoyed the crap out of me.  This evening I feel hopeless and tired and unsuccessful.  As if I am pushing a heavy load uphill only to be smushed by it when I slip.  You know I am pooped when I finally arrive at the sentiment of “the world sucks as do all the people in it”.  Not very optimistic I know – it has been a rough holiday.

{sigh}  I know this is temporary.  I have lots of wonderful things I intend to do in the new year.  Maybe this is just leftover from being so excited about my plans and then having to accept the snail’s pace at which I will be moving.  I MUST learn to enjoy the process because the finished product is so far away…in fact, with the house, there really is never an “end”.  Anyone who owns a house can tell you that.

Lately, I have felt like a crappy person.  I have had encounters with people where I felt I said things that were rude or inapprorpiate or plain ignorant.  Other times I thought I was closed-minded or defensive.  I would love to blame it on the sleep deprivation, but part of me has to wonder – have I REALLY grown that much as a person?  Am I just fooling myself?  I have strong feelings about things, but they are judgements.  Should I judge?  When do those judgements serve me well and when are they me making a decision about something when I don’t have all the information?  

I know – I am rambling, but it feels good to get it out.  I am not an eloquent person by any means.  {sigh}  What is funny about me is that I spend my life wanting to have knowledge and be wise, and instead I feel that my entire life I will be a student.  And I guess I can be okay with that.  I have to work on not envying those who are wiser than I and also give myself credit for the progress in life that I do make.  No one is perfect and there is a lesson in everything.  As long as I am self-aware and utilize what I learn to better myself – I am doing pretty okay in life.  

These are moments from November that I have been wanting to share.  There were taken on a November Adventure to the Austin Nature Center.  This video cracks me up because the kids were just eating their snack and both kicking their legs.  It struck me as funny – like a nervous tick they shared or something.

Oh and funny story.  So the Austin Nature Center has this very cool deal where kids can take there natural treasures into the trade counter.  They chat with a staff member about there treasure and the staff member takes the time to educate them about what they brought in.  Tyler had some acorns, so the staffperson pulled out a bos of several tree seed and asked if he could find one just like it.  She was showing his a picture of the tree his acorn came from.  It was really neat.  Tyler earned points for each treasure and for chatting about them.  Then he spent his points.  She asked if he liked “rocks, shells, bones or fossils”  Well, post-Halloween he was all about bones and so we came home with a rib bone (“just like mine, mama” as he holds it across his ribs) and a limb bone.

Feeling all Hip Nature Mama we head over to say “hi” the the hawks and owls.  I spy a bug and call Tyler over.  He picks up the bug and the bug falls out of his hands and we repeat this a few times.  Then Tyler screams in pain and continues to cry – the bug stung him or something.  Now I feel like an idiot – maybe I should be sure the bug is safe.  We go back to the person at the trade counter trying to figure out what the bug was.  Tyler was intent on knowing..and so was I.

It looked like a stink bug, but they are harmless plant eaters.  Well, after coming home and going to a website the staffer suggested, I figured out that we have found a predatory stink bug.  Apparently, there are a few stink bugs that are carnivores.  And when handled roughly, they will give a painful, but harmless bite…it was more a poke I think looking at the things nose-part.  It made for an interesting morning at any rate.

The trade counter was really cool though – I do love the Austin Nature Center.  Such a treasure.

Here is the video..

Today Tyler and I had a thunderstorm as I like to say.   Quinn fell asleep in the car on the way home from our morning adventure.  Tyler however was quite distraught about leaving and having to return his friend’s car and later about a hurt finger.  He was quite expressive in his emotions all the way home; I am surprised his sister managed to fall asleep.   I could tell she was restless as I transferred her from the car. 

I noticed as I walked down the hallway to our bedroom that Tyler was very slowly and quietly inching towards the cat.   Walking so gingerly as we had told him to do so many times before when he used to just pounce on her.  She would always run away and it would frustrate him so.  We would tell him that his quick manner of approaching her made her nervous. 

As I laid her down I hear Tyler scream and the cry and run down the hall.  Quinn’s eyes come open and at that point I know that naptime is over.  Yelling on my part ensues because the sacred nap was disturbed.  Fast forward 10 minutes.  Tyler is seated on his potty and I am sitting in the hallway with Quinn.  We are debriefing what happened.  Tyler is telling me there are tears on his face and I am telling him all the things that were in those tears…frustration about Maddie running off when he tried so hard to approach her gently, at Mommy yelling, at his ouchie finger.  He fills in what I leave out, “I was mad about River’s truck too.”   Then I straight up ask him, “Do you like it when I yell?”  He shakes his head and says, “no.”  There is a pause.  Then Tyler asks me, “Do you like it when I yell?”   I shake my head and say, “no”  Wow – connection.  Later we are in the living room and Tyler comes over and gives me a big hug and asks if I am better,  “Yes.”  And then things are fine, rosy even.

Tyler and I are the same – we have big emotions, we express them as loud and long as we need to, we hug and we are better.   We get over our anger quickly.  That is good for our little thunderstorms, but not necessarily for others with whom we loose our temper.  Chris needs at least a day to process my anger and the hurt my words caused him.   I expect him to be fine right away, but it doesn’t quite work like that.

Tyler is a Scorpio and a mama friend who is wise in astrological matters told me that he would have trouble forgiving and would hold grudges.  You can see that today on the playground.  When a child has an altercation with him, he “marks” them.  If he runs into that chidl again, he will ususally push them or yell at them not quite ready to let go of his frustration with him or her.  

I am on this journey to address my issues with anger and to find healthier outlets to yelling and throwing, etc.  What I find so interesting is that as I slowly improve, I have this opportunity to help Tyler on his journey.  Everytime we have a thunderstorm, I model how one deals with that.  We sit and we chat about it, we recount what happened, we talk about each other’s feelings and validate what the other felt and sometimes talk about what I or both of us should have done or what we should do next time.   I am modeling the process of forgiveness and moving forward after a blowup.   Although I am not proud of what happened – it is fascintating to see that even these moments contain learning for both of us.

A fun video of a recent walk. I don’t know what game Tyler was playing, but you will see him directing Quinn by him like a traffic cop! Then watch in the second video as Quinn follows the same path as her brother and then get a lilttle miffed why her vehicle acts differently!

** Note: These videos are a bit long and because I host them, your computer will have to download them, so you will need to twidle your thumbs for a minute! Patience, grasshopper!

So I have spent the better part of the last two weeks laboring over my Christmas cards which truly are a labor of love for me.   In addition to that I have been staying up late and for whatever reason just can’t seem to garner the right amount of rest or nutrition so I have been in the constant state of tired.   Lately the 2 or 2.5 hours I have to myself at night just doesn’t seem like enough time to accomplish all I hope to.   Along with the Christmas deadlines, there are just a million things I am so excited to do and I need more time to do that.  At the same time I have been so tired, I simply spend my time thinking about all the things I want to do instead of doing them.  Even blogging seems like this huge thing I don’t have time for.  

But today I had a mini wake-up call if you will.  I am a bit ashamed to mention that I was less than thrilled about going to visit my grandparents today.   With the kids so young and active, it just seemed like all the effort to drive the 1.5 hours to Canyon Lake, be there for 2 hours and then head back to Austinn and then to Quinn’s doctor appt at 3pm.   Being there though, brough a mixed bag of emotions. 

Part of it sadness to see what 20 years can do to a house and to lives.  Twenty years ago, this house was newly built and my grandparents where still quite active and vivacious.   Now the house seems so dated and appliances need replacing.   My grandparents are in there mid-eighties and while relatively healthy are really in denial that they should be closer to town and family.  At the same time, who am I to ask them to leave their dream home and give up the great dignity of independence?

At the same time, in this house are countless memories.  I go through the same photo album I looked through 15 years ago with pictures of me and my brother and cousins and aunts and uncles at Christmas, birthdays, weekends and family celebrations.  I see the pictures of my grandparents’ grandparents and am taken aback at the history and stories that are hidden here.  And also struck with great fear that when my grandparents pass, so will all those stories.  They will be forgotten.  These wise people and their experiences buried below ground.  There is an urgency in me to collect them.  How lucky I am to have two lucid, alert 80 year-olds who still have those memories and would love nothing more than to spin a yarn with me.    How does one do that with two young kids?  It makes me sad that I didn’t appreciate what I had when there was more time and flexibility.

And it brings me back to this blog.  This blog allows me to write the stories and the memories as they occur.  No, I won’t get them all written down and the ones that get written down may be sorely lacking in detail, but at least they exist.  My kids may read this and decide I was the worst parent ever, but at least there is something here.  There is a story, MY story and their story through my eyes.  It seems to important to me because even at 3, there is so much about my son’s babyhood that is completely lost on me.  I even sometimes re-read my blog and doubt the words as if I left something out, or didn’t tell how the story ended or wasn’t completely honest about the event.

I sit here brimming with thoughts and ideas.  I want to start another blog about my thoughts and journey to do more for this planet hoping others can learn something new through my attempt to gain more education and awareness about how I live my life. I want to actually create classes in the community to educate people about a whole host of topics from cloth diapering, toy making for kids, nutrition and parenting philosophies.  I want to gather the story of my family so that I learn my history and can pass it down to my kids.  I want to start documenting stories of my father before he is mute which is coming all to soon.   I want to make a zillion toys for my kids.  I am waiting with bated breath for my Enki Education guides so I can absorb this phiulosophy and bring its goodness into my home.  I have to finish building the website for the little Waldorf Family Center I love and adore!  I want to start a photography show for hubby’s work and my best friends work.  They have the eye and I have the marketing savvy!  :-p

I have so much I want to do!!  And with two hours a night, well, it is slow going and sometimes that is hard to accept.  But I must.  I am usually the person with all the ideas that are lovely in design, but near damn impossible to execute.   I wish I could just put my head in the sand and live a simple little life.  But just like my son a part of me has to be out in the world making it a better place.  I don’t know if the world wants me doing that, but I feel such a strong pull to do so that my journey has something intended for me.  

So while I have been quiet here, my head has been loud….and I have been tired.  Very litte recharges me these days, not even being social.   The only thing I can surmise is that I need rest….better yet a week off.  That isn’t going to happen anytime soon, so sleep seems to be the best short-term fix.   The dork that I am and feeling this strong, ego-driven sense of purpose and importance, I plan to write up a little mission statement in the new year.  It is really more to keep me focused and not get side-tracked as I easily do.  I want to make commitments and keep them.  I talk a big game, but for once I would like to walk the talk if you will.  

We will see how it all shakes out.  At any rate, I have such a backlog of pictures and other fun things, plan to see me here much more often than you have in the past 2 months.  For my dear friends and family who are kind enough to check over here often, I plan to not disappoint and keep things more up to date.