We saw more tadpoles at Bull Creek this morning!  So fun checking them out with the kids and Tyler even caught one! 

What happened?  She was supposed to be my sleeper?  How do I get this child to sleep?  Tonight it was 9pm.  She cried when in the stroller with me, cried when she was in it an hour later.  Daddy tried to hold  her and dance with her in the dark, she just wanted to play with the radio.  He sang to lull her to sleep, she started clapping for him.  FINALLY, she boobed to sleep a little after 9PM.  {sigh}

There needs to be a new routine or something.  She won’t just konk out at 7pm no matter what anymore.  As I was talking about my reaction to challenges – I run.  Yesterday, she was up until 10:30pm because I didn’t want to deal with it.  Tonight I pretty much handed her to Daddy until she was really pooped (9pm). 

I want to be off the clock.  I am having a hard time swallowing the pill that a.) her bedtime is going to be later and b.) I have to figure out exactly what bedtime routine and method to get her to sleep.  That last step could take a LONG time.  This girl is a monkey and full of energy – she isn’t a rocker, snuggler or even lay down and go to sleep girl.  I took her to  bed with me at 10PM and had to get out of bed at 10:15pm to roll her back and forth in the stroller.

I CAN’T just lay in bed with her until she crashed.  I had a friend who would lay in bed with her son for an hour – she is a saint because I would shoot myself.  I have to figure this out.  And Chris may not like this, but he may have to take her for a little while if the bedtime is 9pm.  I can’t deal with a 15 hour day, 1 hour to myself and then go to bed.  Hell no – I would be a pretty pissy momma if that were to be the case.

{sigh}  I am pretty upset about it.  I have to be upset and stay in denial for one more night.  Then I am experimenting after that.  On the upside, she is in a fine mood and uber cute.   Part of me says, screw it – just hang out with her and enjoy the one on one time.  And maybe if I at least new for certain how to get her to sleep and at what time she would crash reliably, I could do that.  For now, I worry that if we play with her, we are working against getting her calm and ready for sleep.  I don’t know.   I also don’t think she will get enough sleep if she goes to bed at 9PM.

This was the same place we were in with Tyler.  I don’t know….she is throwing me a curveball and I have to get ready to step up to the plate.

I have received/read several little gems over the past couple of days:

Bull Creek

Breathe deeply.  Remember what a great mother you are and how you intentionally care for your dear children.  Recall moments when you have cherished your dear little boy—his inquisitiveness, his love of the out of doors.  Picture in your mind the image you hope him to become, full of love, strength and hope.  It’s the striving that is important.

The hard “work” of being a Mama (for me) doesn’t come from the structure of our home or the discipline ‘method’ we use or any of those actions, but rather on the inner work that we do to be the kind of parent we want to be.

A friend reminding me that I may not want to tell Tyler 100 times not to touch the poison ivy and give him to Darwin…but what’s worse – being a broken record or dealing with a nasty case of poison ivy on a toddler?

I got caught up in taking everything Tyler does personally.  The challenge as a Mom is to remain above that.  While giving my child respect, I also need to realize that he is still a toddler and an incredibly emotinal being.  It is my job to maintain my composure and meet him with warmth, love and patience.

I have to stay engaged and by not running away at the difficult moments, there are plenty of moments to breathe.  I realize that I have been so afraid and fearful.  After being at home for over a year, I have used adventures as an escape from dealing with Tyler’s emotions head on.  Yes, we do need our adventures, but what I realize now after two days of hanging out more often at the house is that after these 20 minutes or so of hyperactivity, he calms back down and settles back into a play activity.  I can help this moving to another room to change environments, moving to another activity like snack time, or simply redirecting him. 

All this crankiness and negativity that I was experiencing was my resistance to learning a new lesson.  I do that when things get hard – I put off dealing with it or avoid it all together.  I am doing so much inner work right now.   This isn’t just about Tyler, but how I deal with challenges in my life and my own confidence that I can figure out a solution to them.  

Today I felt great.  I should have been so tired given my lack of sleep, but I felt alive, envigorated and refreshed.  Going to Bull Creek was more of what I needed.  These little natural oasis highten my spirits so.  It has the same affect on my children.  They are so calm and content.

I just need to watch out for red flags like when I start to feel convinced my son is the devil incarnate.  He picks up on that negative attitude towards him and if I am nagging and barking at him all day, it just spurs more of the same acting out behaviour.  It is all a cycle.  I have seen this before when we weaned him (I didn’t realize just how much I was pushing him away and how that was affecting him until after we weaned).

I am in a good headspace right now.  I just need to continue to not fear the unknown and not freak out when I am not completely in control.  Being flexible is really harder than it sounds.  Luckily, I am surrounded by wise people to guide me and keep my on the right path.

Wars over resources, the dissappearance of our water supplies….as more and more news and research surface it seems that these far-off speculations are more and more on target.  Here is an article not on the melting permafreeze or glaciers in the North/South pole…but in the Himalayas in India and how that will affect the over a billion people who live there.

Glaciers In Retreat

What can you do?  I challenge you to make a difference by changing your habits.  Here are some thoughts:

 - start a compost

 - STOP using plastic bags….take reusable bags with you (Whole Foods sells some cheap $2.99 canvas bags that the cashiers have told me are quite durable)

 - recycle your foil and paperboard (here in Austin, Ecology Action takes it)

I was chatting with a good friend the other day and sharing the observation that those without kids seem especially uncomfortable around toddlers.  I can see why.  The walk, talk, seem quite rational, but then in an instanct, they are hitting at you, trying to lick you or act in some other wildy irrational way.   I was telling her I didn’t realize how accustomed I was to that behavior until I had seen some folks recently interact with my child.

There are rules to being around a toddler – let me share a few with you.

#1 – Do not take anything that a toddler does personally.  That means when Tyler dumps the basket with stones for the umpteenth time and in the back of my head I am seething because I know I will have to pick them all up and he most likely won’t help me….I am taking his action personally.  You can’t keep your cool if every negative action is taken as a disrespectful lob.

#2 – Don’t be afraid of their emotions.  Emotions are just weather.  Sometimes there is tons of sun and sometimes there are terrible thunderstorms with hail, wind and lots of nasty stuff.  As in life, the weather is always changing and whatever is on the forecast for the day will blow through at some point. 

#3 – It isn’t so much about their actions as your reactions.  Whatever my son does, he is learning from my reactions.  He is learning how to react when one is angry and what are approrpiate.  I can’t tell him not to yell, hit, etc.  if I model those things to him – that is outright hypocrisy.

So today I broke all those rules.  I started breaking #1 – so that means my stress level and annoyance level is getting near that bad red place.   Then I break #2 by avoiding.  By sitting down with my knitting just hoping he will play and work himself out.  Some days this may be possible, but after you challenging weekend I probably should have offered more attention and also some storys and ideas for getting play started.  Let’s build a wildlife habitat, let’s go to doctor and get a checkup (he has been taking my blood pressure lately), etc.  Then finally, the last straw was broken and I completely lost my composure and then did and said things I so regret.    I think it is okay to lose ones composure, but there are more graceful ways to do it.  I keep saying- I won’t do this again,etc., but I eventually get back here. 

I know that Tyler will continue to offer me practice in this department.  I do hope that one time, I will turn a corner and do something different – something healthier for both of us. I have gotten in a pattern and I want to break it.

I was letting summer pass me by without enjoying it!

Since Daylight Savings Time, summer was something I dreaded because the light kept Tyler up.  We were fighting against it having to black out Tyler’s room to get him down at a decent hour.   This walk has so changed my perspective.  I for once and getting to enjoy those long, lazy evenings of summer.  The heating of the day is cooling off and the cicadas have their comforting, lulling song-like buzz.   I can reflect on the day and get my self reset for the next one.  I think this whole bedtime change for Quinn might be such a good thing for me.  I haven’t begun running yet, but when Chris returns, I will dust off the awesome running shoes I purchased 4 months ago that have seen very little pavement.

An Interesting Experiment in Getting My Two Asleep

At this time, it was pretty near impossible for me to get the two kids to sleep on my own.  I was asking my Mom today what should I do?  She answered right away – walk them both and when Quinn is asleep, get her in bed and then get Tyelr to bed.   Wow – I am going to give it a shot.  It drives me nuts to always have to call for help if Chris can’t be here.  Now that Quinn is going down AFTER Tyler, it seemed more impossible.  And my Mom is right, if Tyler is up later, that is fine.  We will see how it goes…

I should have known long ago that the universe is listening.  Way back to that juniour or senior year in high school I was trying to be “too cool” deciding if I wanted to get back on the dance team or not.  I had been colonel, it was a no brainer, but not to am emtional teen.  Anyway, I hoped for something to “happen” to me to make my decision easier, like a hurt leg.  Lo and behold I hurt my ankle.  Well, I decided to try out and have to do so on my hurt ankle to keep my spot as colonel.

So lately I have been lamenting the absence of time to workout/run and my lack of muscle.  I have also been nervous about nursing Quinn to sleep wondering if I should try to stop that (who knows how?) so I didn’t have to worry about it later.

The universe intervenes.  Quinn won’t boob to sleep anymore and it seems the only way to get her down right now is a walk.  She was down at 8pm last night with a 20 minute walk.  So there is my answer – I can run her to sleep and get my exercise AND no worries on the boobing her to sleep because well, she doesn’t want to anymore.  I should clarify that it isn’t that she doesn’t like to nurse – she will do so, but then she will talk and play as opposed to falling asleep.

The universe it listening…put your questions out there and they will be answered if you are paying attention.

This weekend has been weird to say the least.  Tyler has been an inexplicable mess and we don’t know why.  Not throwing a lot of tantrums, but blatent acting out.  A lot of regression – Quinn smears her beans on Daddy’s shirt, so does he.  Then he does a similar thing the next day.  I feel like he is wanting a lot of attention from Daddy, but is opting for the negative kind this weekend.  Quinn has been a crankpot because she is obviously sleep deprived.  Chris is off with Tyler on a quick adventure and then we are going to put on the Curious George movie and let him watch it while we veg out.

Chris will be gone in California for the next two days for work and I think we both just too tired to do much.  He wants to read and I want to knit.  So that is the plan this afternoon..to chill!

So here comes the poetry.  Remember all the walking I did last summer to get Tyler to sleep?  And remember the cheers when he dropped his naps becasue I would not be doing that again this summer?  Well, think again.  It seems that the ONLY way to get Quinn to sleep is a walk. 

Today, I was determined to get her down to nap at a NORMAL time, so we took a walk.  I was listening to music, but then opted to just listen to the sounds of summer – lawnmowers, cicadas, the breeze through the trees.  It was warm, but still pleasant.  I look up and see this amazing bright white cloud against the blue, blue, sky and start thinking – I can do this.  I can be calmer.  I can relax.  I was starting to feel more zen.  I am really wanting to try to stay home more and get more in a groove here than always having to escape to the outdoors.  We can all exist happily for a few hours in this house.  So I was starting to feel  more in control and optimistic about my coming week.

I’m walking feeling my little zen groove and Quinn has falled asleep.  I look back up after a while to check out my cloud and WHAM!  I slam right into a crack in the sidewalk and wake Quinn up.  She was pissed.  Thank God – I stayed calm, got her in my arms and she went back to sleep.  Whew!!   So, first zen rule – enjoy the beauty around you, but look where you are going FIRST!!!

OK – she is alseep, boys are gone, I am off to knit!!