I am so excited and in need of this vacation.  Hhhmm..did I fail to mention that we leave for Steamboat Springs this Saturday?  It is not so much that I am worn out or need any kind of escape per se, it is that I am so filled with emotions right now I am overwhelmed.  I need some space.   In the last week I have crawled back to that place where I am fearful and worried about my ability to create my future and be successful, been angry at my spouse, was disappointed in a friend, and tonight have been freaking out about child abuse in this country feeling so, so sad wanting to help all those kids and their parents. 

Then let’s bring all the crap that is wrong with this country - poor schools, poor nutrition, a war that should have people in this country so angry, our corrupt governement, constant thoughts about single moms and how to better support and help them build community, and wanting to help this Waldorf program expand and thinking I made a bad impression at a meeting last week.  There have been other small emotions swirling around.  I need a break from “feeling”.  It wears me out.

I have a fairly easy life which doesn’t tax me too much in the stress department, but I am fairly empathetic and have somehow taken on way too much.  I mean I latched onto this abuse thing feeling depressed about the future, wanting to do more to curb abuse in this country, sad for those kids, sad for those parents.  What will it be tomorrow?  I still need to call the Mayor of my city and the council people about this Walmart development and haven’t done that.  I suck at taking action.   {sigh}  I don’t want to come off arrogant like it is alll up to me to save the world, it is just that I do care about these things and I want to do something and constantly battle with either taking the time for myself or giving that time to someone else.  These days I do think it is important that I get the time I need to recharge, so I win out more often than not.

My head is just spinning so housework seems to be the easy stuff that I can accomplish these days.  I hate these places.  Last night I laid in bed for over an hour because my head was so damn busy.  I kept thinking that I need some kind of calm bedtime routine for myself to empty my head out and quiet it - but sometimes I think exhaustion is the only answer.

Too much, there is to much I want to do.  My focus sucks.  Deadlines - I work best under pressure.  I need to appoint someone to be my “boss” - someone to hold me accountable to all the little goals I set.  That person should meet with me each week and examine the progress I have made towards these goals and help me set action items and whatnot to help me.  In life, when no one is giving a damn what you are doing, well it sets the bar pretty low.

Why is that?  Why do we all need the recognition?  Why is it that we only shine when the spotlight is on us? Or is that just me?  I want my life to mean something.  Yes, I mean something to my husband and I know how important I am to my kids, but I want to do more.  I want to contribute and give back significantly.   Sometimes I feel like I stand in the way of bringing all my ideas and dreams to fruition.  Why do I feel so powerful and why do I feel like I can’t do anything?  Maybe I do need to try that Artist’s Way book to better understand what the barriers are.

I need a good cry.  I get pissed that I look back at this blog and as much as I post - I still see so many holes.  Even now, the amount of life that doesn’t make it on here saddens me.   I want to be open and raw, but when I read back to get in a certain headspace (like what I was feeling when Quinn was 3 months) - the emotions and details don’t seem complete.  I wish I had more time to post - so much stuff never makes it on here.

I am  having that feeling of inadequacy again.  I have been blessed to spend my life always surrounded by amazing people.  Somehow instead of drawing inspiration and guidance from these folks, my insecurities take over and I feel like an untalented dork.   Maybe I just feel like I am not living up to my potential.  Maybe everytime I think I have found something I want to do and do well, I run into someone who is way ahead of me and does it so much better anyway.  That gets me back to  what the hell am I supposed to do with my life anyway beyond generating ideas and encouragment for others and blowing sunshine up the world’s butt?  I mean, if I could get paid for that, well, I would gladly keep on doing it - that stuff comes naturally to me.

Personal growth blows, people.  I am just hormonal or something - should take a homeopathic rememdy - Sepia is supposed to be good for this.  I have gained back the weight and am now back at a healthy 150 as opposed to the waif-like 138 I was at.  Kind of enjoyed the skinny part, but I also felt like crap and had no energy.  Of course, I am not exercising and that is starting to drive me crazy somewhat.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.  I need to post a great post about Quinn’s first birthday.  I just haven’t been in a good headspace to write that yet.  And there is so much goodness to share.  I have to dump all this other crap out of my head first.  I need some clarity.  I need some space.  

** Chris took the first three pictures at some of the lavendar farms during the Blanco Lavendar Festival.  The latter in our backyard.  I love his photography so much.  It reminds me how much I love him.  He goes out into nature and captures so much beauty through his camera lens.  His photographs are striking, elegant, sometimes complex and always highlight the beauty and capture the energy of his subject.  Whenever I feel chaotic, I look through his photos and is why these posts are usually decorated with them.