These are the moments I live for.  The moments that make it all worth it.  The beginning of a relationship blossoming right in front of me.   When we are all home and they are in separate rooms, Quinn crawls around saying and looking for Tyler. Tyler walks into the room and asks me, “where’s Quinn?”  They want to be together.  They occupy themselves either playing alongside each other or interacting with each other.  It is a beautiful thing and I just hope I don’t get in the way.  Looking at these pictures, my heart melts and I have a huge smile on my face.  I never thought we would get to this place and here we are!!  I am convinced they are a good sibling match for each other.  They balance each other out in many ways.   They are just so cute and bring Chris and I so much joy!

We leave tomorrow for a one week vacation in Steamboat Springs, CO. My cousin is getting married there this weekend, so we decided to make a vacation out of it. I don’t know how much of the wedding and festivities we will attend as the events take place right around our kids bedtimes and you KNOW how I feel about that. Did I mention last night Tyler went to bed 1 hour early and woke up one hour early. He was a MESS by 4pm – that is 2 hours of lost sleep. Anyway – we will push it and see. If Tyler gets in tired, destructive mode, we may have to head back to our condo. I will have Benadryl in hand though if needed. Thanfully, the wedding is at the beginning of the week.

Looking forward to our vacation – this will be our first one since we went to the Guads last April before Quinn was born. Hmmm – she is a year now, so over a year since our last vacation. For 2008 – I have a hardcore vacation plan – I am trying to schedule 5 of varying lengths. The kids will be 3 and 18 months going on 4 and 2.5, so it will be a good year to do stuff.

Have a good week and I will see you next week. Oh, and the condo does have internet, so I may blog while we are there. However, I will not have access to my pics, so it will be all text for now.

I am so excited and in need of this vacation.  Hhhmm..did I fail to mention that we leave for Steamboat Springs this Saturday?  It is not so much that I am worn out or need any kind of escape per se, it is that I am so filled with emotions right now I am overwhelmed.  I need some space.   In the last week I have crawled back to that place where I am fearful and worried about my ability to create my future and be successful, been angry at my spouse, was disappointed in a friend, and tonight have been freaking out about child abuse in this country feeling so, so sad wanting to help all those kids and their parents. 

Then let’s bring all the crap that is wrong with this country – poor schools, poor nutrition, a war that should have people in this country so angry, our corrupt governement, constant thoughts about single moms and how to better support and help them build community, and wanting to help this Waldorf program expand and thinking I made a bad impression at a meeting last week.  There have been other small emotions swirling around.  I need a break from “feeling”.  It wears me out.

I have a fairly easy life which doesn’t tax me too much in the stress department, but I am fairly empathetic and have somehow taken on way too much.  I mean I latched onto this abuse thing feeling depressed about the future, wanting to do more to curb abuse in this country, sad for those kids, sad for those parents.  What will it be tomorrow?  I still need to call the Mayor of my city and the council people about this Walmart development and haven’t done that.  I suck at taking action.   {sigh}  I don’t want to come off arrogant like it is alll up to me to save the world, it is just that I do care about these things and I want to do something and constantly battle with either taking the time for myself or giving that time to someone else.  These days I do think it is important that I get the time I need to recharge, so I win out more often than not.

My head is just spinning so housework seems to be the easy stuff that I can accomplish these days.  I hate these places.  Last night I laid in bed for over an hour because my head was so damn busy.  I kept thinking that I need some kind of calm bedtime routine for myself to empty my head out and quiet it – but sometimes I think exhaustion is the only answer.

Too much, there is to much I want to do.  My focus sucks.  Deadlines – I work best under pressure.  I need to appoint someone to be my “boss” – someone to hold me accountable to all the little goals I set.  That person should meet with me each week and examine the progress I have made towards these goals and help me set action items and whatnot to help me.  In life, when no one is giving a damn what you are doing, well it sets the bar pretty low.

Why is that?  Why do we all need the recognition?  Why is it that we only shine when the spotlight is on us? Or is that just me?  I want my life to mean something.  Yes, I mean something to my husband and I know how important I am to my kids, but I want to do more.  I want to contribute and give back significantly.   Sometimes I feel like I stand in the way of bringing all my ideas and dreams to fruition.  Why do I feel so powerful and why do I feel like I can’t do anything?  Maybe I do need to try that Artist’s Way book to better understand what the barriers are.

I need a good cry.  I get pissed that I look back at this blog and as much as I post – I still see so many holes.  Even now, the amount of life that doesn’t make it on here saddens me.   I want to be open and raw, but when I read back to get in a certain headspace (like what I was feeling when Quinn was 3 months) – the emotions and details don’t seem complete.  I wish I had more time to post – so much stuff never makes it on here.

I am  having that feeling of inadequacy again.  I have been blessed to spend my life always surrounded by amazing people.  Somehow instead of drawing inspiration and guidance from these folks, my insecurities take over and I feel like an untalented dork.   Maybe I just feel like I am not living up to my potential.  Maybe everytime I think I have found something I want to do and do well, I run into someone who is way ahead of me and does it so much better anyway.  That gets me back to  what the hell am I supposed to do with my life anyway beyond generating ideas and encouragment for others and blowing sunshine up the world’s butt?  I mean, if I could get paid for that, well, I would gladly keep on doing it - that stuff comes naturally to me.

Personal growth blows, people.  I am just hormonal or something – should take a homeopathic rememdy – Sepia is supposed to be good for this.  I have gained back the weight and am now back at a healthy 150 as opposed to the waif-like 138 I was at.  Kind of enjoyed the skinny part, but I also felt like crap and had no energy.  Of course, I am not exercising and that is starting to drive me crazy somewhat.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.  I need to post a great post about Quinn’s first birthday.  I just haven’t been in a good headspace to write that yet.  And there is so much goodness to share.  I have to dump all this other crap out of my head first.  I need some clarity.  I need some space.  

** Chris took the first three pictures at some of the lavendar farms during the Blanco Lavendar Festival.  The latter in our backyard.  I love his photography so much.  It reminds me how much I love him.  He goes out into nature and captures so much beauty through his camera lens.  His photographs are striking, elegant, sometimes complex and always highlight the beauty and capture the energy of his subject.  Whenever I feel chaotic, I look through his photos and is why these posts are usually decorated with them.

So the kids were playing this morning and where do I find them?  Playing with the printer – a no-no.  This is the first time I caught them making mischief together.  It was cute  – they were both exploring it and playing with the always fun paper eject button.

Some of these are WAY old as I jot them down on the whiteboard and post them when I have time.  Actually, I am too lazy to transfer them to paper, so today I just took the whiteboard down and lugged it into the office to I can blog and see what’s on there.  Here are some gems from Tyler:

* Quesadilla make my tummy feel good!

* I like juice!  Juice makes me happy!

* …get two trucks to relax with me

* I’m still busy playing

* My tummy said “I need some water”, so I got some

* after being told not to touch Daddy’s saw, Tyler walked though the garage door and tells me, “I touched Daddy’s saw again, so he said ‘go inside, Tyler!’ (using a deep voice for his Daddy)”

* I rubbed my eyes, so I need to go to bed

* witches are in Canada with the wolves..   Funny  backstory.  The first thing Tyler had a nightmare about was a moose.  This moose came into his room and told him to get up according to Tyler.  Well, Chris told Tyler not to worry because moose don’t live here, the live in Canada and they will stay in Canada.   Since then Tyler has relegated everything that scares him to Canada.  The other night he said the witches needed to go live in Canada with the wolves.  I guess he sent the wolves there after the moose!  It’s pretty funny!

* The other day I was trying to get Tyler in the bath when he said he needed to go poo-poo.  I think he was stalling because after several minutes, no poo had come…very unlike him.  I told him he had only a few minutes to produce poo when he tells me “he’s working on it”.  Hmmm…after a while nothing.  So again, I tell him, “we need to get in the bath, let’s go”.  He then halff grins and tells me in a sing-song voice: “[poo-poo] could be coming in a minute…”  I was giggling at that one..

* Today he was recounting the story of a burn he received a few weeks ago.  He put a plastic fork in the candle flame and burned his finger touching the fork.  We were reminding him how much that hurt.  Then he said, “Daddy chopped leaf to make it all better”  He was remembering Chris getting some aloe vera from the backyard for his burn.  Too cute!

* At the end of each music class, we sing the Goodbye song.  At the end it talks about giving a “hug to your Mom or Dad or the one who takes care of you”.  I was surprised and delighted when Tyler comes right up to me and gives me a hug!  It totally melted me.

* We got ice cream the other day – Tyler got vanilla and I got a more elaborate flavor.  Well, I had finished most of mine when Tyler wanted to try it.  After trying it, he wanted to trade.  There were two bites left of mine and a half cup left in his.  I gladly traded with him he was quite content – so was Mommy!

I have a plugged duct that I am ignoring at the moment…it isn’t hurting right now so I can do that.  Um, without TMI, think of it as a milk traffic jam in my boob.  No traffic flow, more traffic jam and there is only so much capacity, ya know? 

“Think You Can Dance” is on, so I am daydreaming about being a world-famous ballroom dancer…ya know – I will probably start getting into it when I am 40 wishing I looked like I was 20.  Oh well – at least I will still attract the 80 yr old men that can move like that witihout breaking a hip…okay fine, I know I can get the 60 yrs olds too.  It is all a numbers game….

The dishes are in the kitchen reminding me that I am not REALLY off the job, just taking an extended smoke break if you will.  As usual, blog topics have flown through my head all day, but now I am tired, and sitting here staring at the computer don’t have much compelling to say.

 Age Ain’t Nothin’ But a Number

There is this – wow, 8 months isn’t really that much.  Chris and I are 9 months apart.  Today we went to the Greenbelt to hike.  At one point Tyler and Eva sat next to each other and played.  There was a time where he was walking and she wasn’t crawling yet.  It is so cool!! 

I mean, they could marry one day.  Eva’s Mom might shudder at that….I mean this is the kid that hogs all of her daughter’s snacks shoving them in his mouth while talking.  The ladies aren’t into that whole shoving food thing, Tyler….mmm, I think you got that from me.  Anyway….if Eva is anything like her mother, that guy she does find will be a lucky, lucky man.

At any rate, it is so neat that they see each other as peers now.  They are the same in each other’s eyes.  I also realize that one day my two kids will seem that way as well.  They will be simply be siblings and the only differences between them will be interests and personality traits.

One Thing I am Proud Of

I am really proud of how much my kids get to play in nature.  At least once a week they are in a natural setting such as the one you see above.  They are surrounded by trees, plants, birds, bugs, water and all things natural.  They play, they smile, they revel in the complete freedom and calm as does their mother.  We have NEVER had a bad day when our day is spent in a place like this. I mean how could you?  It is pretty much perfect.  And I agree with Kristy that I am so thrilled to live in Austin.  Even with all its sprawl which really saddens me, there are still so many magical places like the Greenbelt where you really do feel like you have left the city behind.  That is a pretty amazing feeling and many cities don’t have anything comparable to offer…and Austin has SEVERAL places like this.

And we spend almost every morning outside somewhere – a park, a hike, or a walk in our neighborhood.  Maybe I am making up for all those times I was in an office wanting to be outside?  Well, maybe it is because Tyler and I both would go insane inside all day.  Our energy needs to have some room to roam.

Boys Will Be Boys!

I hate to support gender sterotypes – but sometimes the kids just totally live up to them, ya know?  We had such a great morning!  Once the twins got into the water – well they were sold on it!  They three boys loved floating in the water.  I see a future Superfriends tubing trip.   I don’t know – I much prefer these outings to the playground.  No toys to fight over, no swings occupied…well, there is still the bonking – in this case with rocks and sticks.  But nevertheless, the kids always seems so happy.  OK, can I stop going on and on about this?  It was just a great, great morning and day for the most part.

Now I shall log off and play doctor trying to fix the traffic jam in my boob!!

This morning I was packing our diaper bag and talking out loud to myself.  I said, “what else do I need to pack?”  Tyler answers, “snacks, mama!”  Thanks Tyler!!   It was such a great morning!  This kids were in a great mood and Tyler slept in until almost 8am.  The kids were great in the car, Quinn making the sweetest babbling noises..”dah’s” and “ahh”s” with an upward inflection.  I was a little nervous about the hike – worried no one would come, worried that I wouldn’t remember how to get to this fantastic wading spot or that it would be too far for the kids.  It worked out great!  We had two great friends show up and everyone loved our special spot.  Quinn konked on the way back from the hike and slept in the car. 

Oh, and when we first got there, no one else had arrived.  Tyler asked, “where are our friends?”  I was a little nervous that maybe we were the only ones.  After a bit, Kristy drove in with Eva…Tyler said, “there is one friend!”   Adventures are always more fun with friends..Tyler gets so excited, it is so sweet!

It was just a nice morning..a morning where I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world with the best job in the world.  It is good to have moments like that – everyone needs good moments like that.   Things can turn bad in an instant with kids, so I have to really savor the times when all of us are feeling great and having fun!!

I took some great pics that I will post this evening!