If there was any doubt just how smitten Chris is with his little girl, this should convince you.  The picture below was taken at McKinney Falls at our campout last weekend.  Chris uploaded the image to his work laptop and sent me the following email yesterday:

Our daughter is the cutest thing in the universe. I love that picture of her on the blanket. Makes me smile everytime I look at it.

 - when I am ready to go somewhere, Tyler suddenly gets engaged in something or wants me to chase him down to get his diaper on or his shoes.  So today I just gave up.  I want to leave he doesn’t, he wants to leave, Quinn needs a nap.  Anyway, so I gave up, he goes into the bedroom and finds this huge stuffed duck.  He then asks the duck if he is ready to go and heads out.  I ask where he is going and he says “to put duck in car”.

I hate these afternoons – I try to make a plan.  Go to store, take a walk/play out back, make dinner, maybe hang out in the front yard for a spell.  And then there is Tyler who has his own ideas of what he wants to do.  Today I haven’t the energy to make it happen.  Perhaps I expended it all this morning.

I need to do a better job of planning.  I need to get into a better afternoon rythm.  Usually it isn’t so hard, but some days – we seem to all be staring at each other not sure what to do.  That and I lost my new expensive water kanteen.  Man, I am feeling pissy today. 

Ah – I know WHY!  If it gets to 2pm (it is 2:18pm) and Quinn hasn’t napped, then I am usually in a bad mood.  She did fall asleep on the hike this morning, but since she was on my back it was short-lived.  I haven’t been able to get her back down the times I tried since. Tyler dropping naps had some upsides at nighttime especially.  But the downside is that I am going full-steam ahead for 12 long hours every day.  To be down to one kid for even an hour is so amazing nice.  I can usually talk Tyler into laying down with me while I read him a book.

Push Forward

Some days this is what I have to do.  Baby and/or toddler is screaming, crying, but I have to keep moving.  Like today, we had to leave, Quinn was upset and Tyler decided to sit on the potty for 10 minutes and finally decided to poo sitting for like 20 more.   I had to put Quinn down so I could wipe him and clean the poo which ticked her off royal.  I had to do it and we had to leave.  Sometimes I try to sing and be merry and some days I am quiet and focused keeping my intentions in front of me and moving as efficently as I can.   It sounds cold, but it allows me to keep my cool and get us all to a better place quickly.  I keep thinking keep pushing, this moment will pass and be over soon.

It occurs to me that this is what I do when I am cycling up a hill, running or just tired and have a lot of work to do in the kitchen.  It is one coping skill of mine that I am happy to have – the ability to push myself when things get hard.  There are days I wimp out and put my head in the sand, but when I do stay focused, I usually make it through pretty well.

Some Gratitude Dammit!

Lately I have been wanting to be celebrated.  It is such a hard job that I do and there are days where I wish I did get a job review where someone would say – you are so amazing at what you do.  I told a friend the other day, that I was feeling “tough” when I usually feell weak.  That isn’t true.  I think I oscillate between tough and feeling like I am overwhelmed/failing.  I feel like I often come off as a tough person and as a result, don’t usually get the help that I need.  Of course, I often times have a problem asking for it because I am supposed to be the tough person.  Kind of an issue I am having.  Gotta go – Quinn may finally want her nap.  Tyler is currently destroying, er driving the new car…

 - The other day Tyler was taking a stick into the bathroom.  When I asked him what he was doing, sure enough, he was giving the stick a bath.  He soaped it, rinsed it, and even dried it off.

 - Chris told me that Tyler was nursing his fish and dolphin in the bath the other day.

 - Tyler was running up to Chris and I this evening as we were hugging, so we did joke screams “Ah!!!” and then scooped him up and did a little family hug. Tyler enjoyed this so much that he asked to be put down, ran to his previous starting point and said “Daddy snuggle Mommy again.” to he could reset and restart his fun!

 - I stripped Tyler down yesterday to let him play in the rain.  He had come back inside for a bit, but then said, “need to pee in the rain”.  He then ripped off his diaper, ran outside, pee’d on the grass and then came back in.  This one had me scratching my head.  If he could have the capability to know he needed to pee and could hold it to take off his diaper – couldn’t he be potty trained then?  Who knows - it cracked me up though.

 - Imitation – sometimes I want Tyler out of the way so I can do things, but I realize more than ever that he so badly wants to imitate whatever Chris and I are doing.  He wants to stir, wash dishes, cut vegetables.  And he likes to supervise me – tell me go slow while driving down the hill, give me fruit that I can cut, tell me to get up and lead me somewhere.

Pet Peeves

 - picking his nose and then putting his finger in his mouth

 - throwing toys and food

 - dumping

 - running out of the bathroom after he makes a poo and then playing chase all over the house so I have to catch him to wipe his butt

 - long poo-poo’s.  This kid sits on the potty for 20 minutes to complete his poo.  And when he says, “I’m still working on it”, he means it. It didn’t really occur to me how long it took until we were in Lowe’s one afternoon with Chris and he announced he had to go poo-poo. My god – he and Chris were in there for 25 mintues.  Chris was annoyed that I kept checking up on them, but I was sure there was a problem.  Nope – just Tyler doing exactly what he said he had to do.

This happened to me at Bull Creek where he sat on the potty for 15 minutes.  Of course, he is now enamored with using other people’s potties, so I have to be judicious when he makes a request.  He wanted to sit on the potty at Bull Creek again – but this time I knew it was just the fun of sitting on the potty.  Did you hear that, people?  Let’s go have fun sitting on other people’s potties…ug, no comment.

Limp legs.  Tyler is in the “di it myself” phase.  So when I want him to hold my hand or go somewhere and he refuses – he limp legs on me.  I was so not amused when he did this in the middle of a crosswalk at 45th and Burnet.  I pretty much had to drag him the rest of the way.  While I appreciate his independence, there are times where mama still needs to help keep him safe.  Just like today at Bull Creek, he had to fall and feel the water carry him a little bit before he understood why I wanted him to be careful.

Not much time, but had to drop a line.  I feel like lessons are flying in my face left and right.  I feel a little lost and a little found.  I went to the Blossom Work Day today to prepare the space where Tyler and I’s Waldorf parent/child class will be held.  Nature putting me on the right pathways again.  I ran into a few women who had eradicated ezcema in there kids.  I finally have a full prescription for all the things I need to do to help Quinn.  It will take 6 weeks to see it through and see her better, but I am excited to have a map.  People, I need a map – I am not an explorer that way.  Now I have one.  Yes, I need to completely remove dairy and as much wheat as possible from my diet.  I have some supplements (fish oil and probiotics) for Quinn and I.  It feels good.

Speaking of helpful pathways, some of the mamas at the word day live on several acres of land and will allow me to cut down cedar trees!!  I have all these Waldorf wood toy projects, but I need wood.  Where you find a tree lying around and on a day where I have my hubby with me to help cut and pack in the car?  This is SO great!  I will take them up on it. I can get wood to make toys and get get some larger logs for Tyler to play on out side.  He can chip them or sand them when he is frustrated.  

Our backyard is coming together slowly.  Slow..slow.  I am learning to understand the importance of slow.  Slow is what parenting is all about.  It is the Star of David plant that only blooms every 5 years.  You have to tend to the plant’s needs, love it, shelter it and in 5 years, the payoff is a sweet, white bloom.   During those 5 years you have to trust that your hard work might yield a bloom.   I see that in life, I need to let go of getting done and getting it done fast.  It is the long, slow, arduous tasks that have the greatest payoff.  This backyard may take years to finally transform, but what a great project, what a fun process to be a part of and enjoy, what a great experience for our kids.  We see how Tyler is really enjoying caring for the yard and tending for our plants.  He is fascinated by bugs and lizards and we are slowly trying to teach him to handle them with care.  I want to invite pillbugs, butterflies, bees, lizards all into our backyard.  It feels alive back there.  I love it!

I am so tired, so tired.  I am trying though to live each day.  I need to just deal with every day with calm.  Nothing that is tough can be solved quickly or easily.  I realize that when days are hard, I have been trying to avoid dealing with it and just watch the clock.  I need to stay present and not hide.  This is life, period.  I can’t leave the show when things get too hard or I have analysis paralysis where I don’t know where to start or what to do.  It is like the eczema thing.  I kept telling myself, next week I will figure it out.  Leave it to life to put me on a path where I would meet someone who could provide me with such clear guidance.  This is my kick in the butt – no more excuses – I know how to help Quinn, now I need to do it.

I get annoyed,  but there is reason behind it all. All the emotions, all the weather that I feel puts me all over the map some days.  This roller coaster – sweet jesus – I hope I am buckled in.  This journey is exciting as hell that is for sure.  I just try to find home base when it all gets stormy.

Am I cheesy with the metaphors or what?  It cracks me up because I use them when what I want to say is pretty clear anyway.  I just like them, they make me feel creative.  Actually I am a highly visual person, so maybe that is the allure?  And while I babble on….I need to learn to LISTEN.  This is so hard for me.  So hard.  I have to talk and I don’t know why.  There is fear there and I can’t explain it.  I have to say what I have to say because if I don’t…..there is something there. 

All these things – slow, calm, listen, being centered – they are skills, or whatever you want to call then, that I need to obtain to go into the career that I am considering.  It is all tied together.  I love that because I realize that every day is a lesson.  Even if I am dog-tired at the end of the day and just want to go to bed – I have still done tons.  There were lessons learned, there were experiences had, there was love shared, there were ruptures and repairs made, there was apprecation.  Every day is so rich - even the amazingly shitty ones where I feel like every choice I make is the wrong one.

I am hormonal today and a little scattered….that evident huh?  We are going to *try* to go camping. I think we will end up making it.  I will get the minivan today FINALLY. 

Life is crazy.  I am doing things right and wrong all the time.  But life is good too.  I can’t complain.  I am luckier in this life than I will ever know.  The best way I can be thakful is to live it and pay the love, joy and goodness forward in anyway that I can.  Quinn is asleep and the boys are running errands, so I need to get back to packing….all for one night!!  :-p

And I thank Mother Nature for the sun today.  After 7 days of gray, and I like the gray, but we here in Texas like our sun too…and my body needed it.  Feeling its warmth on my skin put my in such a nice, cozy place.  Off to pack..

One other quick thing..I just wanted to say that I am proud of myself.  I am not giving up nor am I playing the victim nor am I beating myself up too much.  I am learning.  I am accepting what I do well and what I don’t.  I am trying everyday to do my best.  I am being a student.   I am not only learning from encounters with my kids, but my husband, my family, my friends and people and animals in general.  Even when I screw up and upset or hurt people.   I am 32 yrs old and there is much wisdom still to be gained.  I can only do that by making mistakes.  It is good, hard sometimes, but I feel like I am growing.  Dare I say it?  I feel mature.  Well, except with my Mom to whom I still react like a snotty teenager most days.  Just yesterday I told her to stop nagging me.  I told her she nags and nags and then nags some more.  {sigh}  Some relationships take eons to evolve….  :-p

Had a zen morning at Bull Creek yesterday – that place never lets me down.  Quinn turns pages in her books now.  Both kids sleeping like crap, Chris and I are pooped.  My body is so tired and I need to try to buy a car today.  Never a dull moment, I tell you…..

I have been feeling to free lately and able to make a variety of plans for us during the week.  I realize that I owe Quinn so much gratitude.  She goes with the flow.  She doesn’t get overstimulated when we are out.  She is the most easy-going little girl.  I am so lucky.  I know babies who would not tolerate some of the stuff she does.  Mainly missing or taking delayed naps or not getting a diaper change when she might need one.  She is willing to watch and hang out.

I am so thankful and feel really blessed.  I really enjoy the flexibility, freedoms and patience she affords me.

Tonight, Chris had a work phone call, so I had to get both kids down.  I read Tyler two books and then we blew out the lights.  He chatted a bit and then started saying something I didn’t understand.  Then I realized he was asking for “Lyrtle, talk about lyrtle and being frustrated”.  I invented Lyrtle after a day where I lost it really bad with the kids.  I put Tyler to bed that night and wanted to tell Tyler the story of his day using his alter ego.  I couldn’t remember the name Chris had come up with that was Tyler backwards, so the first thing that popped into my head was Lyrtle.

I love this because I recount the story through Lyrtle’s eyes.  Not only does Tyler get the benefit of hearing the story of someone he can relate to, but I also have an opportunity to tell how I was feeling.  I have to provide the perspective of how Lyrtle must have been feeling BEFORE and after his mama got frustrated.  I can see that, no, Tyler wasn’t trying to upset me, but was playing a game or just having fun.  It is really healing for me and with Tyler asking me to tell him about Lyrtle when I put him to bed, I think he likes it too.

Also, Tyler is starting to tell me when he is upset and frustrated and will call me out when he thinks I am frustrated.  I like that.  It holds me accountable and it allows me to help him and know what he is feeling.

It is goog.  Lyrtle makes me happy!