Note: This is an email I sent to my Superfriends after my first day with both kids. I post it so that in the future I can look back and see just how far I have come. Please know that later this day, my friend Susan and her daughter came over and kept us company and today I have been surrounded by my wonderful friends for most of the day. I am going to be fine and we will get things figured out – it is just going to take time. I am okay.

I have had the most awful day as a mommy ever. I did things today I am ashamed of and had to endure things today that really sucked. My morning started off well enough – I had my whole plan. We had a good morning and had over an hour and a half of outside play. I had Quinn in the sling and Tyler only asked to nurse once. I was able to redirect him with just a little fuss. We get home, I boob Quinn while feeding Tyler lunch and he plays for a while. Get Quinn to sleep and then go to nurse Tyler to sleep- no dice after 25 minutes. I was pretty upset as Quinn woke up soon after I gave up. Got her back to sleep and then got Tyler to sleep, but upon transition to crib, he wakes up and throws tantrum. I did try lying down with him before, but no luck. I even left him in the crib for 10 minutes to see if he would fall asleep – no dice and no fun.

So no nap for Tyler. For the next two hours off and on I have two crying children and a crying mommy. I was pretty mean to Tyler and feel awful about it. Feel like I was on the brink of abuse with him which scares me. I didn’t know what to do and had no motivation to do anything. I even took the kids on a car ride after a call to Susan. Tyler didn’t fall asleep, but Quinn did only to wake up when we got home. Poor thing – I think Tyler and I kept her up – she was awake from 10 AM to almost 2:30pm. She woke up around 4:30pm. Then there are the little Tyler behaviours that drive me nuts – like the throwing food on the floor and the eating of food only to open his mouth and let it all fall out right onto the floor…ug!

Chris got home at 6:45pm and takes Tyler for a walk. Well, usually if he has no nap, we can get Tyler down at 8pm. Well, he fell asleep on his walk at 7pm – so who the hell knows what tonight will be like. About 10 minutes after we put Tyler in his crib, Quinn wakes up after a very brief nap. She spent the rest of the evening crying- gas is the only culprit we can think of. She was crying on the boob, so she wasn’t hungry. We have her some Gripe Water a bit ago and she finally fell asleep on my shoulders.

I feel like total shit and although I know this will pass and I will eventually figure it out – how much hell am I going to go through to get there? Will God or someone help me muster the patience to be empathetic with my children instead of angry and numb? If I lose the ability to empathize, it is so much easier to be mean and cold – and I hate that place. I had a 12 hour day with no breaks whatsoever ping-ponging between tears. I hate that Quinn goes from baby holder to baby holder so I can manage Tyler. I can’t really sling her at home since I am nursing Tyler.

Anyway, my in-laws will have Tyler Friday morning, so I am going to attend the Central AP meeting. Hoping to maybe find a couple of Moms with two or more that can give me some advice and survival tips. Kelly, you have my absolute admiration – in fact, I think you are a frickin’ saint. I couldn’t imagine with two babies…. I don’t know – it has only been one day and I feel beat to hell and I feel like a failure. I should be able to handle this dammit. I should be a better mommy than this….

Anyway, sorry this is so long and sorry to ramble. Earlier today, I wanted to crawl under a rock and was going to hide from the SF because I was so emabarrassed. I guess instead I decided to let it all hang out, so to speak, and just be honest about the awful things that are going on at my house right now. Thanks for listening. And Sarah, I remember one thing you said your sister mentioned about having two kids – talking about more crying and having to get used to that – she is so right – there is lots and lots more of that…..

This afternoon we put Tyler in our jogging stroller and Quinn in the sling and headed to Zilker park. We took a nice one hour stroll with the kids. It was in the low 90s, but we took the shadier route so it was still pretty nice. It felt good to just get out. Tyler has a good time and Quinn slept.

Connections
Things with Tyler were going pretty well when I was in my third trimester, but Chris and I were somewhat disconnected due in large part to his crazy work schedule. What I find funny, is now I am in this crazy place having two kids and dealing with a nutty night situation, but Chris and I are totally connected. We have had great “what is going on with you/me” conversations and I think we both feel fairly in sync. I guess I am just amused at life. As one aspect of my life gets better, at the same time another one goes to hell – or at least is having a temporary setback/challenge. It is just funny.

All in All
Things are going well. I really can’t complain. Stuff is getting done and it doesn’t feel like the whole world has stopped this time around. At some point I will again post pictures. I miss seeing all the Tyler pics and now I will have both Tyler and Quinn pics the surprise you with. Maybe tomorrow I will see if I can’t get some out while Chris is still home.

You can never plan when your baby will arrive, but if he/she does near a holiday – I HIGHLY recommend it. It has been nice with the 4th of July this week because my first week with both kids will only be 3 days long. My strategy for those three days is to have a solid plan in place. A plan of activities for Tyler each day and each night to get the diaper bag packed, snacks ready, breakfast prepared so that I can spend more of my time tending to the needs and ushering us through our morning so we can get out of the house. The big test/challenge this week will be getting Tyler his nap. Going to be a lot of trial and error, but I am sure I will get something figured out.

Changing Emotions
These last few nights after Tyler has gone to bed, I feel sad and want to go snuggle with him. I can be so frustrated during the day, but after he is asleep, that all just melts away. We are going to get the cosleeper set up in the bedroom so I can put Quinn in there when Tyler comes to bed. Right now, it wakes her up when I have my back to her and am nursing Tyler. If she will sleep in there, that will allow me more time to nurse and snuggle Tyler and not have to turn back to her right away.

Sorry I am just thinking our loud here. It is just my nature and I am in problem-solving/strategizing mode. Well, Tyler is asleep and so is Quinn, so I am going to enjoy the peace for a litte while.

Crazy Nights and Creative Solutions
It really has more to do with my emotions and my lack of patience. Both kids were up at 4am last night. Nothing was working. I was nursing Quinn and patting Tyler back down behind me – this has worked in the past, but this evening Quinn was being pretty noisy and that was keeping Tyler awake. I tried to tandem nurse – no dice. Then I had to change both their diapers – they were both pretty wet and I thought that might be keeping them up. One exciting development – Tyler successfully climbed out of bed while I was in the nusery changing Quinn’s diaper. Anyway, I was pretty sure Quinn was done nursing by her behavior, so I put her in the swing and went to nurse Tyler in bed. Quinn was upset after a while and Tyler was still quite awake. So finally I grabbed a bouncy seat and sat in the glider. I rocked and nursed Tyler in the glider while bouncing Quinn in the bouncy seat with my foot. When everyone was finally asleep, it was 2 hours later. I was probably in tears the last hour. Chris came to check on me, but really – there wasn’t much he could do. This night I was actually proud of myself for being creative instead of gettng angry. Sometimes I like tears, because it allows me to release my emotions while tending to my kids withut directing any of that emotion towards them. I actually found a solution and got everyone back to sleep on my own.

In Hindsight and Looking Forward
I was fearful of the nighttime stuff and I know we should have had some kind of backup plan, but sadly the time leading up to Quinn’s birth Chris was working insane hours and had several overnight launches. He was tired and there just wasn’t a window to experiment. On nights like the above, I really regret we didn’t try harder, but at this point – what can we do, but deal with the situation at hand? In about 2 months when the dust settles and Tyler isn’t freaking out about Quinn, I think we will change things up quite a bit. I want to get him a twin bed and see if we can’t get the nursing out of the equation. He usually only wakes once or twice, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

Nap Woes
Today, Tyler wouldn’t nap when I tried to put him down. That is probably the hardest for me because I am so ready for that break. He is in my arms nursing and all the while is waving to me and popping off to talk to me. Had me in tears again, because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Thankfully, being a weekend, Chris could drive him around and got his to sleep. It is things like that which make a day seem impossible. I just want a break and at 1pm when it seems he won’t sleep, I think about the 5 or 6 hours I have to be “on” before Chris gets home…

Adventures in Tandem Nursing
I thought I would really be into tandem nursing and sometimes it isn’t so bad, but Tyler is still drinking milk like crazy. One thing I didn’t think about is how diapering him would change. I have to change him all the time now – because of all the milk he is incredibly well-hydrated and leaking out his diapers all the time. I won’t go into how it affects #2, but you mamas who breastfeed/fed can imagine I am sure. I do hope all the requests for milk slow down at some point – it just wears me down. And every single time he sees me nursing Quinn, he wants on..and if he thinks for a second that answer is no – even if I am just taking a minute getting pillows adjusted for him, he freaks out into tantrum. Very, very tiring. I know this is frustrating for him – it is so hard sometimes to put my feelings away so I can focus on his. Again, it is tiring.

It’s Only Been Two Weeks
I keep thinking “two months, two months”. I need some kind of milestone to hang onto. A place where I can look back, take a deep breath, and feel like “look how far we have come”. Inherently, things will get better it just takes time. It is like labor – eventually, the baby has to be born…you just have to endure until that time comes. At least I can say that so far Chris and I are in a good place….I hope we can stay there through this transition.

I was on my own for a few hours with both kids yesterday and things felt like they went to hell pretty quickly. Tyler didn’t take a nap which had me in a pretty bad mood, because I could have used the break. I think he was feeling cooped up and I was not really wanting to tandem nurse. This morning, Tyler had shown his first aggression towards Quinn and this afternoon, he bit her foot. Of course I did the textbook WRONG things and got upset with him which led to him putting this one toy in his mouth and gagging himself so much that he threw up. (my son has a strange gagging obsession – we really need to ignore this before he uses it for attention like today) Of course I got upset again.

I decided we needed to get out of the house so prepared to go the park. More crying and upset ensue as I have to change diapers and was having trouble getting Quinn comfy in the sling and Tyler was getting impatient following me around saying “Mama”. We finally get to the park, Quinn fell asleep in the sling, and life was good. Tyler had a good time going down the slide. He has just begun to master this.

That evening I felt really bad. It is amazing how quickly having a second child can turn me into “Mama Bear” and change my sentiments towards Tyler. Even my reactions to behaviors he exhibited before Quinn was born have changed. There are new pressures balancing the needs of two kids. I still have to figure out what things I can still manage and what things have to change (will I still be able to spend 20 minutes nursing Tyler to sleep for a nap?). I also have to find more empathy for Tyler at this time. This cannot be easy for him and while I have to set some boundaries, he also needs room to express his frustrations and stress from the situation.

Next week, I look forward to getting back into routine. I think the key will be keeping Tyler active. We have been so cooped up in the house and I think that was adding to his stress. It is interesting how the hard stuff with #1, is the easy stuff now and we are facing a whole new set of challenges that stem from balancing the needs of two kids – especially when there is only one caregiver around.