I have decided to take my friends’ advice and plunk my butt on the couch for another week. This healing stuff is so hard for me. I feel so awful watching my mother having to expend to much energy to care for Tyler. She is a champ though and they have a god time. My Mom has even taken up some of Chris’ nighttime duties as he is having to work in the eveings after he gets home. It is just hard to be cared for. I hope that by resting the best I can these next few days that by next week I can handle life on my own. Thanks to the 4th of July - I really won’t be on my own until next Wednesday - so that is 18 days of healing. Not bad I think.

No pics
There has just been no time to download them off the cameras. I look back and think - how was it that I felt so busy with one kid? And then I look farther back and think - how did I think I was that busy with no kids????

I know I will find a stride again - it may just take a while. Not much interesting or profound to say today - just wanted to check in…

It has just been Chris and I the last few days and it has been nice. He has been doing plenty of Tyler and Daddy adventures and I have had several quiet moments with Quinn. It has been really nice having him around. I am going to really miss him when he returns to work. Wish he could just stay home with me and we could raise the kids….

Tyler is over at his grandparents playing right now. It is amazing how peaceful the house is right now when he is not here. You realize just how much energy and excitement he exerts and stirs up when he is around. Tyler is such a wonderful, crazy kid. He entertains us and keeps us laughing so much of the day, but can also push our buttons when he is up at 10pm not yet asleep.

Ah, the true adventure begins week after next when I am on my own with the two of them. It will be crazy.

Nursing
Yeah, things really do change when you bring a baby home. My nursing relationship with Tyler is different. I see that he nurses for comfort and Quinn nurses for food and yet I feel like Tyler nurses more then Quinn does these days. I have started to try to distract him from time to time away from the breast if I can. I do feel kind of “Mama Bear” about Quinn. It has only been a week, so we have a long way to go… I am sure there will be ups and downs just like there were when I was learning to nurse Tyler. Patience, Alyssa, patience.

In about 10 minutes one week ago, Quinn was born. I am still on a high from the birthing experience - it really was amazing! She is so wonderful and I drink up every quiet moment I have with her. I can’t remember if I was this way with Tyler. I think the second time around I have more appreciation for this newborn phase - it is so simple and so short. Soon she will be more and more aware of the world and as she grows our relationship will be more complex as Tyler and I’s has become. Not complex in a negativve way, but it will have many more dimensions.

Anyway, I can’t believe it has already been a week….

So Chris did the ritual - Daddy pees, Tyler pees and then a bath. He peed in his potty again!! It is so cute to see him looking down watching what happens! It is too funny! We aren’t going all out the potty thing. I think one thing at a time. See how this ritual keeps going and then add in the poo and other things. God, how bodily fluids are my life these days……

I should note: the “he” who peed in his potty is Tyler…Chris’ potty training is done for the most part - he is ready to be Tyler’s Jedi Master… :-p

When Tyler was a newborn - I dreaded night. At that time, I couldn’t nurse lying down and he didn’t fall right back to sleep after nursing. I remember fearing what the night would hold for me. Here it is the second time around and even though nights with Quinn are a breeze right now, I am still filled with that fear. Chris jokes that it is still the same reason: Tyler. And I guess he is right.

It is that whole will he wake when Quinn does? Granted the two times it has happened I have gotten them in some kind of funky tandem position and eventually gotten everyone back to sleep. Chris helps right now, so maybe it is the doing it all by myself part that has me nervous. Chris was saying the other options were to nightwean Tyler or to wean him altogether and I didn’t want to do that, so here we are.

I know I will get past it and figure it out - it is just going through the emotion of not knowing. So I guess even being a second time parent - there are still times of uncertainty and anxiety. Maybe I fear being sleep deprived all over again or maybe it is the stress of two screaming babies who only want thier needs met and have no patience for their fuddling mama at 2am.

On the bright side - the amount of nightwaking so far has not been killer. I have had much WORSE nights with Tyler alone. In fact I haven’t had any of those up for an hour plus kind of things. At least Tyler is at the point where he wants to get back to sleep and really doesn’t want to awaken. It has been leaky, wet diapers that have disturbed him most these past couple of nights.

Anyway, need to get his bottle going. The thing that gives me a break at night, gets me at 3am when Tyler has filled his diaper because he had 8 oz of milk before bedtime. I have a love/hate relationship with the bottle…..

I am trying to enjoy the quiet moments I get with Tyler out of the house because I realize that it won’t last. Last night was somewhat insane and with just me to handle my two nightwakers at night - it is going to be a crazy couple of months. I am going to be so run down - I can see it clearly.

I think submission is the best course of action - submit to and don’t fight the reality. Let the house go to hell, let some bills get paid late, do what I can to make meals easy, let the dishes pile up - this isn’t going to last forever. We will figure it out and make it work.

My life could be a hell of a lot harder - I have two healthy kids and I am really fortunate there. I wanted this (my kids close together) and I got what I wanted - so I can’t complain too much. Anyway, I am going to lay down and rest while I still have the chance to do so….

Here my baby is just 6 days old. She has a whole life ahead of her. And at the same time I see my parents slowly getting older and dealing with scary ailments. My father has aphasia which is somewhat similar to Alzheimer’s, but is more rare and we think my mother may have rheumatoid arthritis. Sadly, it won’t be confirmed until the end of July, so we have to wait and see. I am still at a time in my life where I need my parents and it is scary to realize that soon they will need me more. I will be doing more of the “taking care of” part.

My Nana died when I was 14 and my Grandmother is still living although she is not well. I want my kids to have both their grandparents around for several years. I don’t want my kids to see them as frail and sick. My Dad’s illness is getting very advanced and I see how hard it is to take care of him. When my Mom is here helping us, she is not only watching Tyler, but having to care for my Dad. And since he is not home, he is more likely to throw tantrums just like Tyler.

It just makes me sad. It is probably harder for me to see my Mom getting sick. She has always been a strong, feisty woman and is walking a hard road with my Dad. It is hard to see her have to deal with physical ailments of her own on top of all that. And my Dad can’t help her - he won’t even understand that she has an illness too.

Sadly, they need to stay in San Antonio because it really is best for my father, but at some point I really hope they will move here. I would feel so much better if they were closer and we could more easily support them. My Mom has done so much for me and for us and I would really like to be able to return the favor as they age. Also, my brother and his family are here, so it would really be nice. The difficult thing would be finding them a house near all of us as housing prices continue to rise in Austin. Their San Antonio home won’t be an even trade for something in North Central Austin. Everything happens for a reason and happens when it does for a reason - so I will cling to that and just hope it all will work out at some point.

It is life and we will just have to deal. I have such mixed emotions at this time - all at once filled with great joy and great sadness.