So my co-worker, Andy, has a friend that enjoys watching TV shows that infuriate him and then reviews them for your pleasure. Here is his take on Mr. and Mrs. Federline’s foray into reality television:

Blankbaby’s Review

This was in the album spotlight on Rhapsody….

Straight Outta Newport
(Explicit)
Artist: Goldie Lookin’ Chain

Straight Outta Newport is a lobotomized love letter to old skool hip-hop, Goldie Lookin’ Chain being to the genre what Tenacious D are to rock. While the Welsh crew’s in-jokes are strictly British, the hash-sheared logic of gems like “Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do” is for all. Like the man say, “You knows it!”

So funny, we put Tyler downstairs because it seemed that we were all waking each other too much. Last night he slept throught he night, but Chris and I wake up exhausted. We had the baby monitor on and it seems every time Tyler resettled or the thing made some static noise – we were awakened. I guess we are so used to him getting up we are both sleeping lighter these days.

I told Chris we need to adjust the volume when he playing in the crib so it is as low as possible where we can still here him if he is awakened. Hopefully, his sleeping through the night will continue. Although, equally preferable – I would rather get deeeper sleep in between his waking up.

At some point this family will get itself in sync!! Oh, sat down to watch Daily Show last night – it was a repeat (sniff!)

Well, ok, so I got a little emotional. Tyler was fine today and I don’t think anything that may have happened last night left him permanently scarred. I should trust that in the past 6 months I have been able to forge a fairly strong bond with him. Anyway, lesson learned – err on the side of keeping the volume HIGH.

Under a Fog
I am tired again, and don’t know why. I didn’t lose that much sleep, but I feel like a vegetable. I can always eek out enought energy to care for Tyler, but when it comes to my sanity that is another issue. I never realized how much I needed sleep until I am wihtout it. I can feel depressed, unaccomplished, dumb, boring..then the anger, resentment and saddness set it…and then I just realize I am under the fog. Give me two extra hours of sleep a night on a weekend and I feel like I can conquer the world..but of course the fog returns. I am not bitching about it – just documenting it. It is a pretty nutty feeling – the fogginess – I wonder if people strung out on drugs feel this way – under a fog.

That book I mentioned, Let the Baby Drive, was so cathartic for me. That may sound overly dramatic, but I felt so validated. Her experiences are similar to mine and that was nice. She also described how she left for a quick our of town trip without her son and felt renewed and had an epiphany. One week back home and the fog settled back in and the epiphany faded.

Dunno – I can get so cranky when I am like this – tonight, Tyler is asleep, Chris did the dishes and I feel in a pleasant submission. Tyler was just gazing at me tonight when I was rocking and nursing him – looking me in the eye. Just the way he looks at me is cool. He has also mastered a new noise with his lips – he seemed quite proud of himself in the bath. He is starting to smile at everyone and is laughing at a lot more stuff. Guess more things just seem funny lately.

Sorry, Bryan
I also have to apologize to my brother. He might be taking care of Tyler on Wed and was thinking of doing it by himself. I hesitated and said I wasn’t sure that was a good idea. He was here last week and did most of the routine with my Mom while visitng. I was worried that Tyler might have a teething fit or just get cranky and overwhelm and freak out my brother. Then I thought – great, Alyssa – way to encourage your brother and to instill confidence. I should have encouraged him and supported that. He is a smart, capable, creative person – and I am sure he would be fine. Because of my hesitancy he is bringing his wife who has a great deal more experience with babies. Anyway, I have to apologize for not trusting him more – after all, he is doing me a huge favor and giving up his basketball night to take care of his nephew. Who could ask for more devotion than that?

AHhhhhhhh! So I had the baby monitor volume too low last night and think I may have missed Tyler waking last night. I heard him this morning barely as I woke up and thought is that Tyler? Turned up the volume and he was crying. I found his 180 degreed turned from where I had laid him and looked like his face was tear-stained. One of the BAD things about having him downstairs. I think I may bring BOTH monitors upstairs now just in case one goes out.

Hopefully one night hasn’t broken his trust in me. He can test me by waking every hour for the next week. I will be there – I will let hime know that his Mommy is there.

I dont’ want to hear “that was probably good for him”. I wanted to deck my co-worker who has never had kids and said that. Who told me that at two years he will be bugging me….. Cuz he is so experienced… My co-worker is awesome and I love discussing politics, etc with him, but child-rearing is off-limits…

I don’t mean to be rude to those without children – but even I had NO clue how much you love this little being. I had dogs and thought I knew, but this is more powerful than you can imagine. You can imagine killing someone with your bare hands if they were trying to hurt your child in any way.

Listen people – I use my intuition. My inuition tells me that when he cries, he needs me or needs something. I am tired of letting other people’s thoughts, even my doctor’s warnings about nursing him to sleep, lead me to second guessing myself. I am a sane, rational, educated person and I know what i am doing. If you think I am going to raise a monster – well he is my monster. If you think he is going to make my nights a living hell, well that is my choice.

I believe that by responding to his needs I am teaching him trust and providing him the security he needs to thrive. I also know that he wakes up for a reason – sometimes flatulence, sometimes his teeth hurt, sometimes he may be hungry. He has his reasons.. Anyway, I wasn’t there for him last night and that kills me.

I am pretty sleep deprived these days. Chris said I was a “vegetable” yesterday stringing together works that make incomprehsible sentences. My thoughts are fast, random and fleeting. I can’t remember what I just thought.

I read Let the Baby Drive this weekend and it really moved me. It is the most articulate expression of every emotion I have felt and have yet to feel since Tyler was born. The lonliness, balancing work and home, learning to use my intuition. After reading her account, I think I am going to stay home sooner than I thought. Instead of waiting for #2 to arrive (Chris isn’t read to even consider making #2), I think in another year I may just stay home. We will see how it all evolves. One thing is true – change is constant and I have to have the courage to trust my intution at each step in his development.

I have to get back to work – but will write more about the book later.

I don’t know – may be what I said is not my “calling” per say. At any rate, it concerns me and in some form or fashion I want to be involved. It is Friday – I am going to get some work done today to I can leave early! We are having a “Big Boy” weekend with Tyler – starting solids and moving him downstairs at night – so I can’t wait to get started! :-p

By the way – at his 6 mo. check up yesterday he was 18 pounds and 27 inches long.